the art of being young

Things that make me sad.

2011-10-02T21:24:00.003-05:00

Last week was a sad week. Some things were justifiably sad, some were just random.
On the bus, three drunken youth harassing these indian guys for no other reason than they were indian, and feeling helpless to stop it.
At the mall, I saw a picture of tiger cubs, I used to have one just like it hanging in my house, I don't have it any more and it reminds me of all that I gave up, my brother gave it to me for Christmas.
Dropping off my resume to a mall coffee shop, made me cry. I don't want to work at the mall or at a coffee shop at the mall. I felt like a failure, and they didn't even give me a call back.
Deciding between a job I love and a job with better hours, making the hard decision then having the chosen option fall through.
Finding out that I am not pregnant.
Thinking about the fact I haven't changed my name to my married name yet.
Not being able to go to church because of work.

Our Wedding

2011-02-16T18:59:00.001-05:00

Video chat rooms at Ustream

"We’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are."

2010-11-27T23:11:00.004-05:00

After what seemed like an eternity, it's happening. In 10 days I will leave the continent I have called home my entire life. That's right, I am gone. While I am very excited for this new adventure, and excited to see my darling Australian, today I am sad.
My brother was in for Thanksgiving this week. Not just my brother but my niece, my sister-in-law and her brother and sister. We had a lot of fun, laughed, hung out.
Last night my brother and I went out for coffee, there is a local coffee shop in town here, but it was after 8 and although they closed at 9, the guy was already mopping the floors, so we decided to just walk and talk around the streets of this small town. About an hour and a half later we headed to Sheetz where I introduced my brother to steamers. When we pulled back in the drive way, he took my hand and prayed with me and told me he loved me. This is what big brothers are supposed to do.
I remember when he first finished college I had just started and coming home for the summer meant visiting him a lot. I remember staying up all hours at his house eating cookie dough and drinking ginger ale. Sometimes we would have a socked feet rubber band war. I remember sitting on the couch quoting lines from calvin and hobbes and we both had read the books so much we merely referenced the page number and we both would laugh all over again.
I remember sitting in the next room while he dialed a girls phone number 20 times, hanging up before it started ringing because he didn't know what to say.
I remember when he was engaged to his wife and we took the craziest road trip ever to surprise my grandpa for Christmas. We drove 13 hours, had dinner and breakfast with grandpa and then drove back, forgoing the steak and shake milkshake in indiana, and then craving one the entire day until we were 30 mins from home and found another steak and shake. We are crazy folk.
Somehow in my whole life, I have always felt the odd one of the bunch, at work, at school and sometimes at home. My brother makes me feel like it's ok to be odd, and being odd is beautiful.
So today we said goodbye, not knowing when we would see each other next. He gave me a hug and started to cry, and I did too. I bequeathed my complete calvin and hobbes collection to his watch care. He will have to call me up and tell me about the joke on page 156...

Emma

2010-11-18T21:41:00.003-05:00

Emma is my future sister in law. Shes one of the coolest chicks I know. Right now she's somewhere in Africa--and I am somewhere in Jealousy. She left home the end of July this year and is traveling until she's done. This has always been my dream. She is so brave and I am so proud to become her sister. She started touring some around Europe spending some time in Hostels, and couch surfing, visiting old friends. She got connected with an organization called HelpX. It's pretty similar to things like WWOOFERS (willing workers on organic farms) Providing room and board in exchange for various different jobs and work activities. A really cool way to see the world. This is of course after she finished el Camino de Santiago (the way of St. James) Its like an 800 km pilgrimage across Spain, I think that is flipping awesome.
Last week she sent me a post card of a giant spider sculpture from the Guggenheim museum in Bilbao, y'all know how I love bugs.
Anyhow, I thought a lot about her brave journey, and for her, this is a great time of discovery and personal reflection, A pilgrimage both literally and figuratively. I envy her travels but I do not envy her alone-ness, I respect that she can do but realize I will never be her, and I am me and I prefer cooking dinner with my fiance and reading a good book with him and adventure to me is something that should be shared. I am glad Emma is sharing her adventure with me-- through postcards and photos, it makes me feel like I am there with her, and I am in my thoughts and prayers.

What Did You Have On Your Pizza?

2010-05-08T19:47:00.002-05:00

Complications with Andrew not being able to come here, made our proposal a bit unique. Friday night I got home from work, and Andrew and I had planned on Video chatting on skype, he asked my parents over the webcam if he had permission to ask me, Dad's response was "You have permission to pursue her until she catches you."

I suppose I caught him, because he seems to have caught me as well. After a few brief moments and apologies about the space and distance. He said he had a question to ask me,

"Yes!" I replied before he could even ask.

"What did you have on your pizza?"

"Oh, that's not the question I was expecting, um artichoke, peppers, onions, broccoli.."

"Mmm, sounds good. Well that's all I wanted to ask."

However I knew there was more, his smile told me so. He apologized again about the distance, and how he couldn't even do it proper on one knee because he would be out of camera range, then he cleared his throat and looked at me with his beautiful puppy dog eyes and said "Rebekah, will you marry me?" I didn't say yes this time, I paused and with tears in my eyes I said "Absolutely!"

This is the point in the story where the happy couple kisses and embraces, and he puts the ring on her hand, but there was none of that in our story yet. However, that doesn't make it any less memorable or real. I would love to not be on the otherside of the world now, but especially at that moment.

Andrew assures me that I may not know when or how, but I will get a real on the knee proposal one day, he doesn't want me to feel like I am missing out. I can honestly say traditional proposal or not, I am not missing out, and my answer will be the same. Plus it's probably a rare occasion he will be shorter than me.

Constellate

2010-03-08T20:12:00.003-05:00

The sun hung out for a little longer today, as a reminder of the coming spring, I see the lengthening of days. When it finally slipped below the horizon, the stars began to appear.I think about that Chris Rice Song, And your Praise Goes on

"The moon is high and the sunset fades
The lullabies have all been sung
We’re tuckin’ in another day
And stars appear now one by one
But the stillness moves and the silence yields
And not a single beat is lost
You can hear the chorus in the fields

Taking up where we left off
And Your praise goes on, rising to Your throne
Where You guard us while we dream
Past the stars they fly, Your praises fill the sky
‘Til You wake us with the dawn
And Your praise goes on"

After my walk, I got home and continued reading in a passage I had open this morning from Colossians 3
"Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits at God's right hand in the place of honor and power. 2 Let heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about things down here on earth. 3 For you died when Christ died, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 And when Christ, who is your real life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.
5 So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual sin, impurity, lust, and shameful desires. Don't be greedy for the good things of this life, for that is idolatry. 6 God's terrible anger will come upon those who do such things. 7 You used to do them when your life was still part of this world. 8 But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. 9 Don't lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old evil nature and all its wicked deeds. 10 In its place you have clothed yourselves with a brand-new nature that is continually being renewed as you learn more and more about Christ, who created this new nature within you. 11 In this new life, it doesn't matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized, slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.
12 Since God chose you to be the holy people whom he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14 And the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are all called to live in peace. And always be thankful.
16 Let the words of Christ, in all their richness, live in your hearts and make you wise. Use his words to teach and counsel each other. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. 17 And whatever you do or say, let it be as a representative of the Lord Jesus, all the while giving thanks through him to God the Father.

I like the first part where it talks about setting our sights on the realities of heaven. I don't think this passage is referring to the stars, but I think the stars are a good place to help us keep perspective, by showing us the power of God, our insignificance, as well as the example of worship. David wrote about the stars in the Psalms on more than one occasion.

When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers-
the moon and the stars you have set in place-
what are mortals that you should think of us,
mere humans that you should care for us? (Psalm 8:3-4)

He counts the stars and calls them all by name.(psalm 147:4)

Praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord from the heavens!
Praise him from the skies!
Praise him, all his angels!
Praise him, all the armies of heaven!
Praise him, sun and moon!
Praise him, all you twinkling stars!
Praise him, skies above!
Praise him, vapors high above the clouds!
Let every created thing give praise to the Lord,
for he issued his command, and they came into being.
He established them forever and forever.
His orders will never be revoked. (Psalm 148:1-6)

I see the stars appear and I am reminded of my insignificance in a giant universe, and I am reminded of the bigness of God that he could call each star by name. Each star is a reminder of a home that is other worldly, not like a martian landscape, but a place where we are free from the dominion of sin, and in the presence of His glorious light. As we prepare for that, we are given clear commands as to what that should look like, and not just physical things, but spiritual things. The act of putting to death certain things and putting off evil, and putting on the holiness of God. So do not focus on earthly things, but Let heaven fill your thoughts, both a physical heaven and a Spiritual one.

In Love.

2009-08-30T21:12:00.005-05:00

After the last post, I thought I was done with eharmony. Frankly I was glad my time was over, it was valuable, I learned a lot. Phew. I was perfectly content to be single the rest of my life, I didn't really believe there was anyone out there that I could love that would love me with the same intensity.
Then came AS.
I didn't even see it coming, he happened to reach out in communication with me on a weekend where eharmony had so graciously given me a free weekend(great marketing on their part I might add). I didn't plan it, I didn't even think it would happen, and here we are many months later and I still want to pinch myself. To top it all off we live on different sides of the world.
He's brilliant, funny, kind, thoughtful, a man of God, a man of his word, he's honest and sincere. After all this I believe he could be a troll and I would think him handsome, but he's got beautiful deep kind chocolate eyes, a smile that makes me melt, a mess of unruly hair that I think is positively adorable.
The best of it is, he thinks I am beautiful, and by him thinking that I am becoming that. I am not talking about changing who I am, I am talking about bringing to surface what was already there, my posture is different, my countenance, I feel beautiful because he thinks I am. I feel lovable, because I am loved.
Its strange how that works, the people that mean the most to us, and how they feel about us affects how we feel about ourselves. Although I can't give the credit to AS, the very fact that he met me, loves me, and continues to love me, is by the grace of God. If I had not first understood my position in Christ's love, the beautiful creation he has made me and the grace he has given to redeem me, I wouldn't be in a place to recognize or accept AS's thoughts about me.
Sometimes things with AS seem like a whirlwind, I have never met anyone quite like him before, and his life overflows with the grace of God. Sometimes I feel like this is crazy and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, there is no way I deserve anything this good--and I don't. But I keep coming back to Psalm 84:11 For the LORD God is our light and protector. He gives us grace and glory. No good thing will the LORD withhold from those who do what is right.(NLT) Not only is he looking out and protecting me but its for my good and his glory as I follow him in obedience.
Whatever my future with AS(Mrs. AS!!!!)I can be secure in knowing that I am beloved and beautiful to my God first. He has brought AS into my life for a process of sanctification, and to build my faith in Him. I don't know how the story is going to end, but I can be sure of this, God is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine, and he already has.

By Your Side

2009-05-13T22:57:00.001-05:00

The past two months have been an interesting learning experience for me. The beginning of March I decided to join eharmony. I had been contemplating my alone-ness for a while, and thought I might have some valuable gifts to share with the male half of the species. I felt like options for potential dates in my age range had pretty much dried up. I didn’t know how to meet anyone else. Church is always a good place to start, and initially that’s the route I went, but it appeared my options were limited there as well. I had encountered some guys at work, we talked and we flirted, and realizing that we had nothing in common outside of work, those vanished like the rain in the desert.
So I signed up for eharmony. Recently I admitted to being a bit of a Romantic and Traditionalist. This was a hard step for an independent, self-sufficient 28 year old female. My whole life I was told I could do it, and I did. I shunned romance and fluffy things; they were equated with the female stereotypes in popular culture, that couldn’t seem to do anything without a man. Not having a man, I couldn’t have any hint of weakness. It wasn’t until M; he seemed like the perfect fit, won my heart that all these ideas of “thoughtfulness” came to mind. Suddenly I wanted to know things about him; I wanted to send him little gifts in the mail. I had a perfect plan for his birthday, being a photographer I was going to take pictures of the letters to spell “Happy Birthday” from the myriad of businesses and signs around my neighborhood. Then I was going to make them into simple post cards and send them all at the same time. That’s when I knew I had the heart of a romantic. It’s unfortunate that things didn’t work out with me and M, because I really think that was a great idea, but I have no motivation for it now.
One of my first conversations was with J; he was a really nice, funny man. He was honest from the get go about a physical disability he had, I was unsure, and I went through much prayer about it. I felt like I was a pretty horrible person if I couldn’t look past the fact that he was in a wheelchair. That’s when I learned about the shallowness of my heart. At first I tried to look for other things that were red flags about him. We conversated anyway. He taught me about how God can overcome things in our lives and he talked about past sin and the mercy and grace of God. I knew I needed some of that. I knew J wasn’t right for me, but not because of the physical which I thought initially, but there were goals and family differences as well. I thanked him for the chance to get to know him, and ended it because I respected him, and wasn’t going to toy with his heart. This was something I was learning too, something that continues to be hard for me. I didn’t want to put the good guys with the scum I encountered; I needed a separate folder for them called the-just-won’t-work-for-me-but-would-make-an-aweome-for someone-else-file.
That’s where A comes in. A was boring. I kept holding out hope that there was more to A. I asked him questions and he gave me one word answers. He didn’t understand my humor and mostly I ended up feeling bad. Probably why I decided to go ahead and talk to him outside of eharmony. He lived in the same state as I do. I sent him an email telling him that I would be back online later to chat I was going to church, and he sent me an email back asking for a raunchy picture of myself. I told him the inappropriateness of such an inquisition and challenged him with the word of God. He said he was sorry, I said I forgive you but I think you need to work some stuff out. That is where our conversation ended.
Each day I was challenged by more things, one by one my fairytales were breaking down. Little by little the lies I held about myself good and bad were being revealed. It was often overwhelming. It challenged me to be in the word more, to be who I said I was, to strive to be a better person. It went from trying to find the man of my dreams to finding what is God’s best for me, and knowing those things don’t have to be mutually exclusive. I dug in the scriptures more; God became the provider and sustainer of my joy. I wasn’t going to find that in a man. I still felt that God’s plan for my life was marriage, so I continued to do what he asked of me until he chooses to change my desires and move me along. I knew that until the right person came along I had a responsibility to become the woman they needed. I had opportunities to share my faith, and the love of my amazing God with some guys that needed it. I shared scripture and encouraged them to be men of God, even if things would never work out between us. I prayed for them, I prayed for me. I need courage to do the right thing which often meant standing by hard truths, or telling people goodbye. Things I had never done in my past relationships.
The hardest part came about a month ago. M and I had been talking for several weeks, sharing stories about life and love and God. I felt a real connection, I was hopeful for what was to come. Then one day he told me he thinks we should be “just friends.” I didn’t want to be just friends; that is not what I came to eharmony for. I knew that my goal was a husband to start a family with. To complicate the matter I couldn’t get any responses from anyone else on eharmony. While it was great I could devote all my time to M, it wasn’t real. I read an article the week of the “just friends” email. It was about the possibility of “just friends.” I had played that game before, and I always had a hope in my heart that it would be more than just friends, what girl doesn’t want to marry their best friend. We are relational like that, but I knew he didn’t see me that way and I chose to not talk to him anymore. I didn’t just leave him hanging I explained all this and I think he understood. Even after his last email, I felt I wanted to say more, but I didn’t. I had prayed specifically about him for weeks. I was so excited, I was so hopeful. I was so ready not to spend another $50 on eharmony. I gave him to God, and God said this isn’t who I want for you.
To me this was as close to real as I have ever gotten. Some of my friends didn’t think it was a big deal. These were people in committed relationships, had they forgotten what it was like to feel the nervousness of a new relationship and the hurt when it ends. To wait your whole life for something that didn’t work out? My heart was sad, but I felt good about it. Because I had chosen to do what was right over what would feel good. Did I want to still talk to M?—Yes. Did I want to be friends?—Yes and more. This was a huge step for me.
When it came time to renew my membership I chose not to. I had mixed feelings about it, I am terribly curious, and I wanted to see where it would go. Ultimately finances spoke louder than curiosity, and I needed a break to process the things God had been teaching me. I am not the same as I was, and for that I am thankful. One day I will be the woman that God wants me to be, and each day I get a little closer.
This song by Tenth Avenue North called “By Your Side” has really convicted and encouraged me in this time. Check it out here…

By Your Side

2009-03-01T00:14:00.003-05:00

The area that this four spotted pennant calls home is the southeastern shrub bog which is also known as pocosin. Pocosin describes a type marshy or swampy wetland with deep, acidic, sandy, peat soils, without flowing water, containing ocean derived salts in concentrations of less than .05%, and is nontidal. Shrubs and Pond Pines are very common as well as Loblolly and Long Leaf Pines.
The Pond Pine is a tree found along the coastal plain of the eastern United States, it can reach a height of 30 meters but usually grows between 10 and 20 meters. . It has serotinous cones meaning they require fire to melt the resin to open and release the seeds. This is similar to the Canadian Jack Pine.
In summer 2008 an ongoing drought and a lightning strike started a blaze near the Pocosin Lakes National Wildlife Refuge. Many people believe drainage ditches and canals used to make the land agriculturally friendly in the mid part of last century has further dried out the carbon rich peat, to the point where prescribed burns to control wildfires were not conducted in such areas because of the risks. Much of the Pocosin Lakes National Wildlife Refuge , In Columbia, NC, where this photo was taken were consumed in the fire.
While this was good news for the reproduction of the Pond Pine, it was devastating news for some of the other species in the refuge. Namely the Red Wolf . This refuge was important to the reintroduction of the extremely vulnerable Red Wolf to the wild. Currently there are no known wild red wolves with about 100 total in population.
As for the dragonflies, I am sure they will return, Insects are incredibly adaptable, it may be decades before the diversity of the refuge returns. Dragonflies like the four spotted Pennant spend one to three years underwater and only emerge as adults for a couple weeks of their entire lives. Given the time of the wildfires, and the magnitude of the drought and the wildfire, not many survived last year.

http://www.fws.gov/Pocosinlakes/management.html
http://www.fws.gov/pocosinlakes/
http://www.newsobserver.com/news/story/1115666.html
http://www.refugewatch.org/2008/06/08/fire-at-pocosin-lakes-nwr/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pocosin
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pond_Pine
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palustrine
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_pine
http://bugguide.net/node/view/18776
http://www.geocities.com/brisbane_insects/DragonflyLife.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dragonfly

2009-02-28T11:15:00.003-05:00

The Black and Yellow Argiope spider is a member of the Orb weaver family of spiders each night is takes down and rebuilds its web, paying careful attention to construction of the web. These spiders are also known as writing spiders because of the zigzag pattern often found in the center of their web. The web can be more than two feet across with the ability to catch prey that is 200% its own size. Because of their poor eyesight, these spiders depend heavily on the vibrations of its web, making the construction of the web vital to its very survival.

As the spiders grow they have to molt their exoskeleton, they anchor their feet as the inside layer of their skin is digested and then they fall out of their old skin, they are particularly vulnerable as they wait for their new skin to harden. If the spider has lost a leg, it is even possible during this shedding process to grow a new one.

These spiders can create up to seven different types of silk, of varying thicknesses and stickiness. The silk is so different because the chemical composition is different for each type.

These spiders are usually found in sunny areas among flowers, in a spot that is out of the direct wind. They are not tolerant to the cold and usually die with the first hard frost.

After mating the females produce a large brown egg sack, the outer layers of which are specially designed to protect the young spiders from predators, and parasites like wasps, which will eat the spiders before they can hatch.

I found one of these spiders, outside my church. Insects have always been fascinating for me; even now I have several specimens in my kitchen freezer. Often I am found crawling around on the ground attempting to photograph such a critter. Strange and beautiful creatures, the same hand that spoke the spider into existence, procured our salvation. We often miss the little details that remind us of just how great our God is.

The web provides shelter, protection and sustenance for the spider, but the spider must live in the web and responsive to the vibrations. I am reminded of the passage of scripture in John 15:4-7(NIV) “Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.” We find our life and shelter when we are connected to the vine, like the spider in its web.

I also look back on my life already and remember the little exoskeleton hanging from the web, how small and immature I once was, and by God’s grace I am shedding the sin of my former self. I am being transformed by the renewing of my mind through the word of God. (Romans 12:2) I still have many more layers to shed, that’s the process of sanctification, there are things even now that keep me stunted in my faith. I can relate to Thomas who wanted to see Christ with his own eyes, to touch the scars with his own hands after the resurrection, sometimes I don’t have the spiritual vision and I must by faith depend on the vibrations of the web, and trust that God is in control, even when I can’t tell he is.

I was amazed to learn that this spider reconstructs the web every day, which shows a dedication that I lack as a human. I get busy and I have my prayer time and my bible reading but I don’t spend time crafting the relationship as I ought. Each day this spider carefully takes down and rebuilds the web, a process that takes lots of time and energy and effort, it takes all of its resources to maintain the relationship it has with this structure. But it was crafted for this purpose; it was given the ability to produce the seven chemically different strands of silk required to build its web. I too was crafted for this relationship; I was designed for fellowship, with Almighty God, but how easily I lose of sight of that.

Fortunately I have a God of grace and mercy who isn’t dependent on my works. That is so profound, even writing that now, doesn’t truly account for the magnanimity of the idea. He has given me everything I need for life AND he made it beautiful. I’ve spent the last few years bringing a vision for His creation and the splendor of his works through my photography. Studying the details of just one of his many creations, I am able to share that with others to increase his glory. My praise is so much more rich, my worship so full, to realize that the same God that spoke the world into existence, came down as a man, so that fellowship could be restored with me.

I think about how because I am His child he wraps me in the safety of his arms. Even better than the protective layers of the egg sack, I am surrounded by his love, safe in the shelter of his wings. The world rages around me, but The Sovereign and Mighty is holding me. What a God!

So by faith, God is bringing me back to a place of indepth study of his word, and I believe a place to minister the wonder of creation to others around me. His grace has sustained and blessed me these last few years, but I am seeing him moving me into a new direction, and I believe this is the step I must take by faith, I just can’t believe it took me almost seven years to figure this part out.

Bartlett, T. 2004 “Species Argiope Aurantia - Yellow Garden Spider” (online), Bugguide.net, accessed December 16, 2008 at http://bugguide.net/node/view/2025

Hammond, G. 2002. "Argiope Aurantia" (On-line), Animal Diversity Web. Accessed December 16, 2008 at http://animaldiversity.ummz.umich.edu/site/accounts/information/Argiope_aurantia.html.

Valerie .2004 “Argiope” (online), Garden Bits, Accessed December 16, 2008 at http://home.att.net/~larvalbugrex/argiope.html

Blue Letter Bible. "John 15 - New International Version." Blue Letter Bible. 1996-2008. 16 Dec 2008. < b="Jhn&c="15&t="NIV">

Steal it all.

2009-01-25T23:46:00.002-05:00

Tonight I came home, after being out all day to find a bright green flyer in my door handle. I love it how it was a flyer warning about break ins, nothing says nobody home like no car in the driveway, a for sale sign in the front yard and a bright green flyer in the door handle--I mean really?!?
I thought it was bad a couple weeks ago, when someone stole the flyer box off my for sale sign. I know times are rough, and everybody is feeling the pinch but what is the market value for a flyer box?
I feel like I really am living a nightmare. I have recurring nightmares since my break-in back in August. Everyone I knew said it was so lucky that i wasn't home when they broke in. I always think who is the lucky one? I don't know if they are so brazen yet to break in when someone is home. I just know in my dreams/nightmares about the break in, it always involves me and a baseball bat, sure I may not be able to hit a good pitch but you break into my house, and you will realize you have way more surface area than a baseball, and although I don't have any baseball bats around, a chair, a broom, a shovel, are all things I have very close and i will use them.
I am generally a non-violent person. I'm peace-loving and gentle, really. But this city is sucking all of that out of me. Between traffic and these "incidents" that seem to keep happening and the fact that you leave your Wild Irish Rose liquor bottle, from the cash only convenience store, on my front yard everyday, has me at my wits end.
In the past year my house has been broken into, they got away with a computer, a laptop, a digital camera, and a drill. My car(poor Lola the Corolla) has been shot, yes folks I found the bullet in the trunk. My car has also been broken into, the thieves unsuccessfully tried to steal the stereo, so in turn they managed to get away with some cheap earrings, and a wind up flashlight, and make it so when I accelerate the whole dash falls off.--thanks.
I want to put a big sign up on my front porch saying come on in take what you want, followed by some very vulgar names and swearing. I suppose that won't help sell the house. Coming home is a nightmare. Not only is it incredibly hard after a weekend with family to come home alone, to my empty house, but to know that when I get home my house could have been broken into again and all my stuff rifled through and my just back to normal-finally-settled-the-insurance life would be disrupted again. I feel like I need to pack everything up and put anything of marketable value at the bottom of my dirty clothes, but they would probably go through those too. I wish I still had the litter box from my cat, I should get one just to store valuables, nobody rifles through a litter box. What I really want is to not be alone and have to do all this by myself again.
I need a dog, I wonder if anyone will rent me one to keep around during the day when I'm at work. I can't seem to train the turtles to attack intruders, is it bad to wish Salmonella on them for breaking into the house? Maybe they will decided to touch something of the turtles and get sick, they will probably just blame it on the peanut butter crackers they ate earlier in the day. Maybe I should get a big cage and beware of snake signs, or maybe I should just get out of this town, that is the plan, as soon as I convince someone why they should buy my house. It's kinda a catch 22 isn't it? I can't move from the neighborhood because of the neighborhood. It makes me laugh in that tragic, cynical, situationally ironic kind of way.

HONESTLY....

2009-01-22T22:18:00.003-05:00

I didn't vote. Some people think that's unpatriotic, unAmerican, un-something. I get lectures about those that fought for our freedom to vote, and history lessons as well. The problem was I had no opinion. If you have an opinion, let it mean something, too many times I have let other peoples opinions not only influence, but dictate my own. So I decided not to.
Politics aside, I can think of many instances in my life where I have done things because someone else liked them or wanted them for me, or questioned that what I thought or did was ridiculous. I can't think of a case where this has worked out for me.
I liked this guy that was really into cars, so I thought I had to be as well, I read all the car magazines, we talked about cars. I knew little about cars, just enough to fake a conversation. I like cars, but I don't love cars. It turns out that's all we had to talk about.
I also know I bought the house I live in because I was convinced it was what I needed to do, everyone told me that it made sense. It was charming and cute(still is) but it had character (meaning it needed work) I let my family and the idea of having a home decorating, fixing, having people over convince me of a false reality. I didn't stand my ground. I let someone else tell me what I wanted.
I think about my photography, I love taking pictures but sometimes I let the things people say stop me. I know its weird to take photographs everywhere you go, but that's who I am. I can't say it isn't hard when friends call you out and make fun of you for it. So I don't take pictures, I don't see the world through the lens. I get stale and uncreative in my work. Because I let someone else convince me that I was ridiculous.
I am learning a broader definition of Honesty. It's not just telling the truth its being the truth, being real with who you are. You may be wrong , but If you are honest about it you can move forward. The first person we deceive is ourselves.
It starts like this, "If I was in to cars he would like me more," "If I buy this I will be happier," "If I listen to my friends they will respect me more." So I have begun to think about what is real in my own life and what things do I go along with because it's easier, or because I live in fear of what it means or what people will think of me.
We know the "Christian" response to this. "It only matters what Christ thinks of me." We fail to ask the question, "What does Christ think of me?" , properly. Too many times we think in a performance mentality, we need to act a certain way for God to love us. I can't be this way, or think this way because God's word says that's evil. Its a good thought but are we lying about the nature of our own sin, we are covering things over. We miss the idea that Christ loves us, IN OUR SIN he loved us, before the foundations of the earth he loved us. Christ's love for us isn't based on how good we are. Grace wouldn't be grace if we deserved it. So lets be honest about our righteousness.
Yes, Yes we know that we are imputed with Christ's righteousness, and declared righteous before God, but I'm talking practically and sanctificationally. Is Sanctificationally even a word? We are still fallen creatures living in a fallen world, the difference now is that we have the ability to choose righteousness.
Honestly, I'm prideful and impatient, a little impetuous, a lot of faithless, I'm mean spirited and conniving, manipulative even. It is Christs work in us that changes us, but how can we ask for fixing if we don't think we are broken. It starts with Honesty.
Getting back to it I am learning exactly how this plays out. I no longer feel like I need to pretend to like things I don't. I am not talking about being impolite, I really don't like raw tomatoes but if I go to someones house and they serve me raw tomatoes, I am gonna eat them and if they ask me how they are, I am going to say thank you, but I am not the best judge of what a good tomato is. Would I like more?-No, Thank you. What I mean is I don't have to pretend I like cars, or zombie movies, or a certain type of music or whatever. If I care about you I will take an interest in things that interest you, but it's because I like you, not because I like cars or zombie movies, and I am not doing it to convince you, that you should like me back.
I laugh now, because it wasn't too long ago, I had a crush at work. So being slightly stalkerish I decided to see if he was on Facebook or Myspace. He was. After looking at his profile, mine just didn't seem very cool, and I convinced myself I needed better pictures, and different music, before I could add him as a friend.
Not only can I be honest about what I don't like, but also what I do like. I am not going to feel bad telling you that I like sappy movies, I really like sappy movies, and for so long I didn't let myself because a guy I was pursuing a relationship with didn't like sappy movies. I convinced myself not to watch them. Needless to say that wasn't the only thing I forfeited to try and make it work. I stopped being who I was, for who I thought he wanted me to be. When he probably just wanted me, or maybe more realistically he didn't want me at all AND THAT'S OK TOO. We miss that. I sure did for a long time.
Be honest with yourself, honest with others. Think for yourself, stand up for what you believe, have a reason to do so, correct and uphold others in love. Value others opinions, as opinions. Realize not everything in life has to be agreed on, but recognize when it does. No amount of convincing is going to make you like my power rangers soundtrack, and that's OK too. Christ loves his own, and always has and always will.

what i thought i wanted

2008-12-01T20:41:00.004-05:00

Do you ever go to a restaurant and you really think you feel like a hamburger but then you see the specials and there is something different like carrot ginger soup and you are curious, so you order that, when you get it you eat it because you paid for it, but it isn't at all what you wanted.
I feel that way a bit about my life. Maybe I've never known what I wanted. But if you don't know what you want, don't rush into a decision. I made some decisions on what I thought I wanted. A house, this job, among other things, and now I get here and I'm eating it because I'm paying for it, but it isn't what I really want. Problem is I'm sitting at a table where everyone else knows what they want and I might just want some more time with the menu, or maybe I want to skip dinner and have dessert. This is the point in time where everyone tries to act like your mother and give you advice on your eating habits or act like your father and tell you to just make a decision already because everyone is hungry and you're holding up dinner. What if I don't want to get to the end of the meal and have to skip the only part I wanted because I'm too full or what I didn't want? just some food for thought...

2008-03-10T23:58:00.001-05:00

Pandas eat a diet primarily consisting of Bamboo, even though their physiologically designed as carnivores, this makes them unable to properly digest the plant protein cellulose. Because of their inability to process plant proteins effectively they get little nutritional value from the food that they eat. They must constantly eat and keep bamboo in their digestive tract in order to survive.
We can look at the panda and think they must have been created for more, yet they spend the majority of their time feasting on something that doesn’t satisfy. How similar we are. C.S. Lewis says
“We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”(The Weight of Glory)

A panda's thumbs are especially designed to grasp bamboo. An interesting observation when we realize our own bent towards sin and the things of this world. Our nature seems designed to reach out for what’s readily available, as if we are designed for it. It’s only through the intervention of the grace of Christ, that we are able to move past this fleshly bent. We must strive to not always take the easy road; to grab at what’s convenient, what feels right, pretty soon we will be feasting on things that like the bamboo for the panda require all of our time and attention to get a whole lot of nothing.
The panda’s unique markings offer the ability to hide in the shadows. Humans are the masters of disguise; we mask our true position of worthlessness outside of Christ. We hide in the shadows, blending in with our surroundings; it’s only when the light of Christ shines in our lives eliminating the shadows that we realize we are even in the shadows. I think of a line in a song “I never saw my shadow, ‘til I saw the light” (Massivivid) we don’t see our darkness until we have the light. The contrast of the light and the shadow we were in is so drastic it separates us from our hiding places, exposing as we are.
When we think of the panda, we need to be reminded of our natural propensity towards things or the world and remember how we too feast on the things that fill us up but don’t offer any value. We must remember that through Christ we are a new creation, his light has exposed our sin and his blood washes us clean, and there is no hiding from him.

why i havent blogged

2008-02-17T02:29:00.002-05:00

two days after the last blog grandpa had a stroke.
over the course of the next two weeks we watched him end his time on earth.
then it was thanksgiving--literally--thanksgiving day he passed.
back to work then it was christmas in a blink
and new years. i went out of town a lot in january and have been working to get my biz up and running. Its now mid feburary and this is what i have to show for it
BECKAGATOR PHOTOGRAPHY
please stop in and look around buy something if you want.

The Heart is more than emotions

2007-11-10T16:16:00.000-05:00

Ephesians 4:31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of malicious behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
God, you know my heart, my broken heart, you know the bitterness and anger that are there and continue to form there. That you would take my broken heart, broken because of its own hardness --a heart of stone, and give me a heart of flesh.(Ezekiel 36:25-27) I know this heart will bruise easily, but God that I wont become calloused and insensitive and apathetic over time. But that is would be a heart filled with love for you that overflows to others a heart that is patient and kind, not jealous or boastful or proud. A heart that is not rude or self seeking, that doesn't keep records of wrongs like callouses. A heart that triumphs with the truth, that never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.(I Corinthians 13) that others have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. that they would experience the love of Christ, though it is so great we will never fully understand it. Then we will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God.(Ephesians 3:14-19)

2007-11-08T19:21:00.000-05:00

Emotions are a funny thing
I once had a relationship with this Guy; for the sake of the accused we shall call him Ed. Ed and I met in a group of people our age that got together every week. Over the course of many months I started to feel a special connection to him, I started to seek out his company, I would swing by his workplace for lunch, I would pop in and see him from time to time, do stuff with him and his family. We talked everyday mostly through texting while at work or on the phone. I was pretty reluctant to push the issue of where the relationship was going because I have been hurt many times before. I was careful not to talk about it too much or too little, I wasn’t trying to avoid the topic but I didn’t want to be the one to do all the initiating.

One night we were talking late, and I had had a particularly hard day, just dealing with memories of a past relationship that were really haunting me, this was a HUGE step for me, the girl that tries so hard to be guarded opened up her heart. The problem was Ed opened his heart to, and it wasn’t a heart for me, he told me about a past relationship that was going to be a future relationship, I was nowhere in the picture. Obviously I was broken hearted, I had put a lot of time and energy and emotional effort in this relationship that in one instant wasn’t going anywhere. I had been nervous about telling Ed why I was so troubled that day; I knew the potential for heartbreak. I knew that it could go wrong and the whole friendship we had built over many months would dissolve, and dissolve it did.

For a while I tried to push my aching aside, and remain friends, both of our lives got busy yet we still had many overlapping paths. I remember one night several months after our fateful conversation I decided to stop by and try this being normal friends thing again, we hung out and talked until about 2am, things seemed to be going well, although these times were few and far between. Ed just seemed too busy. I still really cared about Ed and every time I spent time with him, it felt like the twisting of a knife, I knew in my heart that it would never work out, but sometimes you carry that hope for a while, but most of all I just wanted my friend back. Things have not been easy down south since I moved back 3 years ago; friends are hard to come by, which has never been a problem for me until now.

In November of that year I totaled my car, injured both of my hands in the accident, I called up Ed to help me salvage stuff from my car, but more than that I needed a friend, Grandpa passed away that thanksgiving, it was a difficult month. Ed did what he could and I really didn’t expect much after all we weren’t together, we were just two people whose paths crossed.

The new year came with our own set of struggles it has been months since our conversation had changed our friendship, it had been months since we really talked, months since we had really been friends, there was enough stuff in our lives some shared difficulties of friends that kept us close proximity wise, but now there were things that were just annoying me. He looked at every interaction, every comment, and every action through the filter of me liking him, as the same girl that told him how I felt half a year earlier. I was enraged. Did he think I was stupid, he said to me as plain as day that we had no future and he was going to seek the future with someone else. Did he think I was an idiot? –Probably not but that’s how it felt. Emotions are a funny thing.

I had tried several attempts to get some people to hang out together to do stuff, I thought it would be good to get to know some other people and just get out of my apartment and do stuff. A few of the attempts had been successful and Ed had even come along. Some attempts have not been so successful. Downright disregard and disrespect for other people, I decided to take a break from organizing and planning, I was lonely and frustrated and not used to not having people in my life. Ed had even said it was a good idea to get together and many others but nobody else had stepped up to take that on. So why after all this time am I still enraged when Ed decides to get the group together? When I invited him out to do something randomly he said that it would be better to get a group together and try and do something, not tonight maybe after some planning. Like salt in a wound, I felt like he had forgotten about my failed efforts and as far as organizing he hadn’t really done anything just kept mentioning it in passing. Then he invites some people to get together, I should be excited, finally something, but I’m incensed, because I’m frustrated. I feel selfish, because this is something I wanted---but I was never invited. Ok I get it you want it to be a guy thing or you want it just to be a couple of people, or maybe you just plain don’t want me—Ok, just tell me the truth. Left to my own imagination who knows what I could come up with. Emotions are a funny thing.

Ed decides to move to a new place, trying to once again be a friend, I having moved 3 times in the last 2 years am very experienced at this process, so I offer my services, mostly moving boxes and such but really however I can help. He says that would be great and I asked him what time I could meet him the next morning and he said he would call me. At about noon I got a phone call, another friend of mine wanted to go to a special lecture on blues music, and I wanted to as well, but I told them no because I had promised to help Ed, and I was sure he was gonna call me anytime. Well he didn’t ever call me. He did it all by himself. Now I’m mad. Not because I gave up a blues lecture, but because as much as I would like to be self sufficient I need help, we all do some people just aren’t convinced yet. Someone had said they needed help and they had that help at their fingertips and they didn’t even have the courtesy to call and say, hey I guess I got it on my own, thanks anyway. And Ed hurt himself in the process because he tried to do too much by himself. So now I feel like one of those napkins you get at the restaurant when you try and grab one but a bunch come out, I’m the one that’s been pulled out but either gets thrown away or shoved in the glove box to check the oil one day several months from now, used but unused.

A few weeks ago, I got a text from Ed, asking me how I was doing in regards to a friend of ours that’s been very sick again and again. I told him I was mad, I told him that I'm tired of doing this, I’m tired of the same thing happening over and over, I’m tired of caring. He asked for my forgiveness because for the whole last year he hasn’t been a friend because of our conversation, he hasn’t been the friend he should have been and he’s sorry. Yeah I’m sorry too, sorry that you lied to me for a year pretending everything was ok and normal while I just felt crazy, stupid and heartbroken trying to deal with this stuff, and Ed pretended it was all in my head, and that our friendship hadn’t really changed at all. What does that mean?! Emotions are a funny thing.

I invited Ed and his family over to my new house. I wanted someone to come visit, I wanted them to see my house, see how hard I've worked, to see what “home” feels like to me. I wanted to once again try this friendship thing again. When I was on my way home Ed called and asked if it was ok if I just came over to his place because it would be too much of an inconvenience for them to come all the way out here (15mins). I went to his place because I needed to not be alone and I wanted to spend time with them, but I cried the whole way there. That little recording that plays inside your head was telling me that I wasn’t good enough, I was inconvenient. That’s not what he meant but that’s what I kept hearing. Emotions are a funny thing.

At the end of all this I wonder why I still care so much, and why I continue to try and why the things Ed does affect me so much more than the things other people do even after a year?!? Why does everything he do hit the most sensitive part every time. Why does he even matter anymore? Why do I keep trying? Why do I care if he hangs out with other friends or if he never comes to see my house? Why do I care now, that he lied to me last year when I knew he was lying the whole time? Why does he always make me feel so worthless and useless and ridiculous? Why do I let him? Emotions are a funny thing.

2007-10-12T00:18:00.000-05:00

For the past 3 years I've really tried to love this place. I don't think its working out. I thought maybe i need a different job, three jobs later or maybe four and its not any different. I thought maybe i needed to get to know more people, I know more and the more i am let down by them. I thought maybe i needed to change my living arrangements and after a room, then an apartment, and now a house, I'm still just as alone. I know God should be enough, i just can't figure out why he's not.
I don't really know what to say. I've never wanted to leave a place so bad in my life, yet I'm stuck, i have no employable skills or education, I'm no closer to knowing where i am supposed to be or what I'm supposed to be doing than when i left school 5 years ago. I have a job that pays me the least it can for the most amount of work and i just am exhausted.
i feel like i have some kind of horrible disease that everyone thinks I'm contagious, I'm tired of initiating contact, I'm tired of making an effort to try and have a friend. Now i feel inept and slightly stalkerish, i forgot how good a hug from a friend feels cuz i haven't had one in ages. Pretty much I'm in an untouchable category, why is it that the church wont touch a single young woman, i get a hug about once a month when i see my mom and dad, usually for lunch on a Sunday afternoon or dinner on a Friday night. Usually i am the one having to drive out to see them. I love my parents and i am glad that i see them as often as i can, i just wish they would come see me too.
The time alone has been good, Ive been getting so much from scripture, and my prayer time has just been so rich, but when I'm done reading and when i say amen, I am still alone. I know all the cliche responses because every time i am vulnerable to someone at church about how I just wish someone else was there. "God is enough..."He's always with you..." YES, i know that, and I'd be in a way worse state if i didn't understand that. My point is, since when has the eye been able to walk and the ear been able to smell and since when was a part considered the whole. Since when are we supposed to go it alone and live totally independent of each other?
I get all kind of praise for all the stuff i do with the church, with the youth and the praise team and this and that and what would they do without me. while it is nice to feel needed, I'm not in it for the praise, I'm not in it for the feel good factor, i am doing it because that is what God has asked me to. As much as they need me in these things, i need them in my life, yet day in day out they don't even know where i work or what i do or where i live, they don't know any of my testimony, they don't know i even have family. I just need some help and i just need someone to care, and sometimes i just need a hug.

2007-05-16T20:33:00.000-05:00

How vile and low, and sometimes still

Knowing in his cocoon we will

Be transformed and given wings

For once we crawled and now we fly

Praise God our redemption's nigh

Soon with angels we will sing

2007-04-01T20:29:00.000-05:00

It was closing time, and the frantic rush to close and go home had already begun. The door was being locked as the last customer was let out the door. A man came up, I had seen him many times before, and he seemed to always come about this time. He didn’t have a lot of money, and he wasn’t prepared, he wasn’t a nice person, but he came and asked if anyone could help.
I called him over to my desk and he filled out his deposit slip as my coworkers looked on in annoyed astonishment. I processed the transaction and gave him his change, thanking him for his business.
After he had left my coworkers began to go on about the last minute customers and the rude, inconsiderateness of his actions. It may be true, he did not deserve for us to help him, and after all we were closed. He didn’t deserve to be waited on in any way, and he wasn’t even grateful. I tried to explain about grace, but it was lost on them. I was frustrated trying to communicate a concept that only God could relate to them. I realize they are blind to grace because God has not revealed it to them.
I got to thinking about that act of grace later. It was the end of the day and I was tired and I had some very challenging clients that took a lot of my energy. I didn’t want to help him and I certainly could have said no. But God in his gracious sovereignty made it different. I can give God all the credit for that, because it certainly wasn’t anything in myself, it makes me think back to the story of Jonah; God’s grace was certainly more evident because of Jonahs lack of it. I was reading in Jonah this week and a part I must have read so many times before had really stood out. The men on the ship turned to God and worshipped him because of Gods punishment of Jonah. God in his grace had allowed Jonahs sin as a means to bring unbelievers to himself. Jonah then realizes the grace of God in his own life as he is sinking in the ocean. I like the dialogue in chapter two when Jonah is praying from the belly of the fish:

“Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from inside the fish. 2 He said, "I cried out to the Lord in my great trouble, and he answered me. I called to you from the world of the dead,* and Lord, you heard me! 3 You threw me into the ocean depths, and I sank down to the heart of the sea. I was buried beneath your wild and stormy waves. 4 Then I said, `O Lord, you have driven me from your presence. How will I ever again see your holy Temple?'
5 "I sank beneath the waves, and death was very near. The waters closed in around me, and seaweed wrapped itself around my head. 6 I sank down to the very roots of the mountains. I was locked out of life and imprisoned in the land of the dead. But you, O Lord my God, have snatched me from the yawning jaws of death!
7 "When I had lost all hope, I turned my thoughts once more to the Lord. And my earnest prayer went out to you in your holy Temple. 8 Those who worship false gods turn their backs on all God's mercies. 9 But I will offer sacrifices to you with songs of praise, and I will fulfill all my vows. For my salvation comes from the Lord alone."
10 Then the Lord ordered the fish to spit up Jonah on the beach, and it did.”(Jonah2, NLT)

It seems that Jonah understood God’s grace, after all he knew if Nineveh repented God would save them, and this is where the disconnect occurs. Although God has just rescued him and shown him amazing grace, he doesn’t understand why God would save Nineveh, he wanted justice and judgment, like the parable of the servant whose debt was forgiven then he went out and demanded repayment from someone else(Matthew 18:23-35). He was shown grace, yet he didn’t get why Nineveh deserved it. After preaching judgment he went up to the hillside and waited to watch God destroy the city, and was sorely upset when it did not happen.
It’s easy for us to sit back and comment on Jonahs lack of Grace, but who are we to say such things, we are often in the same boat as Jonah. We run from God because we don’t agree with the way that he works, we think it should go the way we want it to. Fortunately it doesn’t work that way, how many of us deserve the grace we have received. If you truly understand the definition of grace the answer to that question would be none of us.
However what is noteworthy about Jonah is the fact that he made it into the cannon of scripture. That alone should tell us there is much to be learned from him, and how God used him, not only did God use him to bring the sailors to salvation, but also the city of Nineveh. We can roam around in our selfishness and totally miss what God is doing around us, but that doesn’t mean that God isn’t using us. That gives hope for us all. We too like Jonah must recognize that our salvation comes from the Lord alone, it’s only by his grace and without it we would be blind and lost too.
I want to remember this and to be used of God to help others understand this mystery of Grace. Whether God has me doing that where I am now, working at the bank, and in my local church, or if he decides to use me else where, I want to be a representative of his grace.

internal

2007-03-14T22:30:00.000-05:00

Leaving was as hard as staying.
Not wanting to stay and not wanting to leave
Wanting to be home but never to arrive there
You’ll be ok if you never leave the airplane.
Stop crying! Why indulge that obnoxious method.
You don’t even know why you’re crying
Your tears of joy and sadness carry the same authority
Incomprehension precedes you like calm before a storm
The paradox, caught between two worlds
Can you choose betwixt the two?
What if the place you want to be is the hardest one to get to?
Do you choose what is easy?
What if it’s just a case of greener grass?
You can rationalize both points, but that doesn’t make either right.
The battle inside ensues.
When will the civil war end and when was war ever civil?
Why can’t you make a decision? Just cast a ballot, information will only confuse you; in the end does it even matter?

Grace

2007-03-09T10:41:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, i helped a good friend bury his dad. I never thought about the fact that this is what we must face, in our lives. Somewhere in my mind I thought it would be different, maybe the media has numbed my spirit to death. It just doesn't seem right in my human mind to at this age lay to rest a father or a mother. I catch myself saying "it's not fair God, he lived for you and you took him away," but this is my flesh speaking, the grace and the faith that i trust in tells me a different story, It's not fair God that you would choose any of us to receive your grace, but you have and we've been faithful and you will call us home one day as well, I am right it's not fair, its grace.
God in his mercy decided becka needed to witness this grace in another way, i saw grace written on the lives of a church full of people, who worshipped together, the grace and peace that comes only through the knowledge of Christ. Yesterday was hard, my mind is spinning from the things that i observed. But in the complexity once again there is grace, knowing that God has granted us the ability to feel, that we aren't just robots, Knowing also that God understands the pain, loss and sadness, yet he rejoices with his children when one makes it home, we rejoice too, and worship.
There was a point at the funeral yesterday when i was crying, it wasn't out of sadness but being overwhelmed by the grace and mercy of our amazing God, who is sovereignly in control of things, and truly just leaving it all in his hands. I had some amazing time with God yesterday as his children gathered together and worshipped and the angels gathered around the throne in heaven to welcome home Lyle Smith.

2007-02-16T21:09:00.000-05:00

sometimes i think ive been going this way all along and the scary part isnt that its wrong, its the apathy and the ignorance.

2007-01-15T22:31:00.000-05:00

Wash away,

What no human can touch,

Fingers of God, purify,

with one tidal rush.

The surge of the ocean

The power of God's grace,

How every tiny grain of sand,

reflects his mighty face!

The waves, like his faithfulness,

Hush the sound of slightest doubt

Back and forth with unseen force

always coming in and going out.

I think today was the breaking point

2006-11-15T21:48:00.000-05:00

Today was hard. All this writing recently has help to sort the stuff out in my brain. Plus the unbelievable stress of dealing with insurance companies and trying single handedly to work full time, drive to another city to sign a piece of paper to get money for a car that's been totaled so I can return the rental car and buy a new car by Friday--that made me cry. The insurance agent handed me the check and all I could do was cry. I am not sure if it was relief or agony. If felt good and stupid at the same time. I was listening to Geof Kimbers book "A Worship Driven Church" I only have the intro and the first 2 chapters so I have been listening to it over and over to get all that I can out of it before I trade it in for disc 2. At some point in listening it hit me, and it all became clear. What became clear--I'm not sure. All the stress of late and the thoughts that seemed to play like gibberish on a skipping record, suddenly came into clarity. Psalms 118 says it best and was critical in the epiphany I had. In verse 8 it says "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." I had to reread it a couple of times, and the context of the passage is amazing.(hint hint READ IT) But I was thinking about the conclusion I had come to in the last post, it's a trust issue. This verse is what it all boils down to, and this whole struggle lately, I was putting my trust in temporal, earthly things and my heart was broken-and rightfully so. It says right there in verse 8 "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." All morning I was so stressed and freaking out about all these million hoops I had to jump through, and I knew God would provide, but it wasn't making the heart connection, until this afternoon, then it was like dropping a bowling ball on my foot, like I can't believe I just did this, ouch and shame all rolled into one. SO the tears were a mix of relief and frustration, anger, loss, and grief over how stupid and stubborn I am. So in the end it feels a lot better to be broken.

2006-11-13T19:36:00.000-05:00

I don't know at what point of figuring "it" out I am currently inhabiting. Some days I have so much to say and the words just don't come. Today, after work I tried to have a long talk with God. Lately the same topics have been coming up. I am frustrated with the fact that for the last 3 months my prayers have been the same, and mostly selfish. If I could overcome this myself I probably would have. I am caught somewhere between pride and apathy. Self hatred and self entitlement.
Yesterday I went to the nursing home, I sat with a lady for quite a bit of time as she repeated the same conversation over and over. I am thankful that God gives me the gift of his grace and I hope, by just listening and praying for her I was able to share that grace. I really didn't know what to say, I spent much of the time expressing myself with my eyes, part of my time trying to focus on her and not the handsome man sitting next to me. Gods grace is found in him too, and that's what I find so attractive about him, Part of me wants to spend more time with him, part of me knows that he is only a reflection of Gods grace and not the actual thing--I question my motives, I question why my heart aches and what its aching for. I'm so tired of thinking about him. It's not just about him, but its about my future in general. There are things I want out of life, or maybe that's where the entitlement comes in, I feel like I deserve something, or maybe it is just God given desires. So once again I bring these matters before the throne of grace, once again I plead with the God of ages to change my heart to purify my desires, and to help me know and discern his word and its application to my life.
Before I left the nursing home I visited with another lady. That same grace that is so attractive to me, I found in her. Its as if no matter what happened around her or to her, she had a faith in her creator that was so evident. The words she spoke were like honey. I am thankful that God sovereignly crossed our paths. It was an answer of sorts. I have been praying that God would be enough, that of all the things that I want, all the things I need will appear so insignificant in comparison to the riches I have in Christ Jesus. I can relate to Paul when he says "Not that I have already obtained all this, but I press on toward the mark.." Most days lately I feel so far from wanting God to be enough. I don't mourn over my sin like I should. So I pray. I am weak, and I think I'm not. I am poor and I think I'm rich. I can only pray, God, I want to want you. I want you to be enough. I guess I want a feeling, but I am learning just how deceitful my own heart is, and how I cannot trust it when it comes to how I feel. Yes I feel lonely, but I am not alone. I want to feel God but I want to feel him in my way, and essentially I am saying God, you are not good enough, when all he wants to do is break my silly perceptions and free me from the limitations I have imposed. To know God, and trust him to do what's best for me, because he knows me better than I know myself, that's where the ultimate breakdown is. I don't know how to trust God because I project all the human failings on my relationship with Christ, carrying my doubt and insecurities into that relationship, being careful not to get too close. Keeping God at arms length, I'm afraid that I will get to close like I have in so many human relationships only to have it all fall apart. I think maybe,if I could just get a human relationship to work out, if just once I could be loved, maybe then God could love me. But that's so backwards. God is Love. It is only by his grace that he inclines the heart to truly love someone else. To love as God loves. I don't know if I understand all of it yet. I guess I am still somewhere in the figuring it all out stage.

I never knew dull could be so fascinating

2006-11-09T21:22:00.000-05:00

I am beginning to wonder if dull is merely another word for the lost art of creativity. since TV has captured the attention of the masses. Im not much one for TV. Id rather live in reality than reality TV. I stumbled across this, and its intriguing. Maybe we could all use to be a little duller.
DULL MEN'S CLUB

The death of...

2006-11-07T21:22:00.000-05:00

Well its been 5 days since the accident. My hands still hurt. I saw the doctor again today. Nothing is broken. Its amazing how much you rely on something for example thumbs. I knew something was wrong on Thursday night when I couldn't open my bottles of medication. I couldn't open anything with a twist top. Then I realized I couldn't really pick anything up either, or do simple things like squeezing the shampoo bottle in the shower, holding a toothbrush hurt, writing was excruciating.
I guess the stress of everything all hit on the weekend. I was exhausted I felt like all I did was sleep. I got the rental car on Saturday, and cleaned the stuff out of my car. I am glad I had a friend with me, its the only way I remained sane.
yesterday I met with the insurance agent. My family was worried that I would sign away my life. I didn't sign anything. I'm exhausted. The medications don't really help, they make me even more sleepy. I feel like I need a vacation.
today in the mail I got a bajillion letters from attorneys offering their legal services and 2 envelopes from chiropractors offering their services. Nice to know they care. I think lawyers are pretty high in ranks up their with insurance agents and used car salesman. They say insurance companies are only out for their best interests, how are they any different chasing ambulances hoping to cash in big off the insurance companies using me as a pawn in their game.
I was hoping the doctor would tell me something conclusive. Like something was broken or out of place. That there was a reason for this pain, a reason for not being able to do all the stuff that I can't do because it hurts. I wanted confirmation that something was wrong with me and it wasn't just all in my head. They assured me I'm normal-whatever that means, and that its normal for my hands to hurt, and that it will go away. But if it doesn't I should see someone else. That's always comforting.
Meanwhile I should be practicing using my left hand for everything because the right hurts too much. My writing with the left hand is legible just not very quick, its frustrating and slow, I need to practice more. I suppose I need to ask for help more too, but That's a slow lesson for me. It was hard to ask john to help me with the car on Saturday, but I needed his help. Its hard to ask people to do stuff when I have to figure it out on my own at home. Friday was a pretty lonely day, I was stressed and hurting and I just needed to feel it was ok. I needed someone to hold me or something. I cried myself to sleep with the help of muscle relaxants.
It was at that point the grace of God, I take for granted, was so evident. I didn't feel God any more real. I didn't feel like he was holding me in a supernatural sense, but I trusted him and his word. I didn't feel any less lonely, or any better emotionally. But I knew that God was there and he was working it all out for my good, and his glory. It was all going to be ok. While that didn't offer any emotional comfort, it was a test of my real faith, the faith beyond how I feel. God is faithful.
Tonight at dinner, a friend was praying, he prayed about God's grace and mercy, and I remembered how many times I forget about it, and how many times I forget to give thanks for it.
Everything about my life, about the accident screams the mercy and grace of God, but sometimes I'm so concerned with the circumstances I don't see beyond them. I don't see that God is working out his will in me, and making me into the person he wants me to be. Everyday is a struggle with my emotions, when I go home at night and my hands hurt so bad, I can't open my medication, and there is nobody to help me, and I feel so alone and helpless at that moment, when I'm weary and tired and just need a hug and nobody is there, its difficult. When at the end of the day the doctor says I'm ok, but I don't feel ok, and I have nobody assure me that I'm not insane. No witnesses to prove how this is affecting everything I do. I fight the flesh on these things daily-- between pity parties, overwhelming loneliness, frustration, anger, warped sense of entitlement, there is a quiet simple grace that shows its presence, and That's amazing.

Cross-Country Skiing and Crawdads

2006-10-30T21:43:00.000-05:00

There are a few things in life, that have me beat. Among these are Cross-country skiing, catching crawdads and, breaking out of the alliteration, MEN.
The crawdads I remember as a kid, to this day I still haven't caught a live one. This may seem silly, but to my childhood mind catching one was the ultimate "it." I think it might have been in the approach, they swim backwards you see, and I didn't have the timing thing down.
In college, I decided to try cross-country skiing. A semester later and many bruises and near death experiences and a very cold Becka, I don't think its really for me. Something about the coordination, of my feet and arms in the right place and everything working together. I could never get forward motion.
Now, I have men problems. Not necessarily men but relationships with them. I don't know if I miss the clues, or read things the wrong way or maybe I am just generally unattractive. But it doesn't work out for me. It feels like it is, then POOF! We are just friends. Maybe its a little of the above problems, a little bit of bad timing, and maybe a little of not being in the right place and everything working together how I think it should.
So I guess for now, I will have no stuffed crawdads on my wall, no skiing in my future and no males other than my friends and my dogs. The timing isn't right, then men aren't cooperating--they keep swimming backwards in the relationship stream. Meanwhile the relationship is getting cold and not really moving forward, and we both end up hurt. Sounds like my old foes coming back, ironic. I love irony.
Maybe those crawdads and hours of cross country skiing class taught me patience and perseverance, after falling on the same hill 200 times in one day while cross country skiing, I wanted to conquer it. It didn't happen that day, but on the last day of my winter camping trip, we were lost and tired, and I made the hill down and back up the other side, it was a small victory. To quote a phrase from one of my favorite movies "baby steps" that's what its all about, maybe not all, but in order to take those small steps we have to have faith in our very BIG GOD.
So as I learn these lessons, maybe one day the timing will all come together and everything will work right and I will understand and be understood. Until then I pray for contentment, not in failure, but in the victory that I have in the blood of Christ, and that this will point me to the paradox of my faith that I must be content but yet never satisfied, I must die to live, and I must be humble to be exalted. Never coming to the point where I think I've had enough of God. But rather coming to where I put God first, and submit totally to his will, where I can say, there is nothing I desire but God.

2006-10-20T22:59:00.000-05:00

2006-09-02T12:40:00.000-05:00

"The true prayer is that of the heart,and the heart prays only for what it desires. To pray, then, is to desire-but to desire what God would have us desire. He who asks what he does not from the bottom of his heart desire is mistaken in thinking he prays.."--Francois Fenelon.
Prayer changes things, but it does not change God for God is unchangeable. Its about a desire to conform our will to the will of the father. Its more than just words we speak, its about actions we do, and putting his glory above our own. "There is no life in the things we do, but the things we do are brought to life when done for his glory in the place of our own."(Unknown)
In Matthew chapter 6 it says that "Your Father knows what you need before you ask him..." He knows that what we truly need is a changed heart. Its so vital to all these things, we cannot truly pray without a heart that longs for God, we can't live the abundant life the bible talks about unless we have a heart that has been changed. Our hearts are evil, and wicked. Read much of the old testament and you will see how wicked we truly are. Jeremiah talks about it, as do most of the prophets and the stories of the nation of Israel points to a rebellious people, and they were the chosen of God!
A poignant example is found in Ezekiel 36. God knows that we need a new heart and therefore says " For I will take you out of the nations; I will gather you from all the countries and bring you back into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws..."(24-27)
Talking about hearts, I was reading about Solomon in 2 chronicles 1 today and how God granted him the wisdom that he prayed for because it was his hearts desire. We see in Psalms that God gives us the desires of our hearts under the condition that we delight ourselves in the Lord. I remember in Sunday school as a kid hearing the story of Solomon and thinking that I would definitely ask for wisdom because then I could have it all, if you remember the story, Solomon asked for wisdom and God gave him that plus riches and fame. I wanted the riches and fame, the things of the world that I thought were so important, I thought wow--Bonus! I could be smart and rich and famous. In my naivete I thought I could trick God. I always took (sometimes I still do) the verse out of context about him giving us the desires of our hearts. Its not about what we want but its about God placing in us, his will for us. Looking back I can see that my motives were wrong, I didn't want God, I wanted the world, and that's where God changes the heart. To help us see that without him, we are dead, in all things.

Deeper

2006-08-07T20:42:00.000-05:00

I wanted to go deeper than I've ever been
But oh how you stop what never begins
I see your hand and I shake my fist
why don't you just let me go?
The pit of my stomach ache--feeling.
What I seek most, like a dog with a short tail, I'll never catch it.
Like the dangling carrot just outside my grasp
Only with you, its different
Nothing you desire is beyond your reach.
In sad irony I keep chasing something I already got.
I know you know the feeling because you've been there too
You wanted to go deeper than I've ever been
I said no lets just be friends

2006-07-13T19:45:00.000-05:00

Is it written in my eyes,
because I'm afraid you might see it there.
Another chip goes in
who's gonna win?
Would you bluff just to see my hand.
somehow it doesn't seem like winning,
even if I have aces in my hand
if I fold now I may never know...
if I stay in, it might be risky.
The choice must be yours
will you call?, will you raise?
The pressure is on.
I've been careful but I'm scared
I have no confidence in my hand
I'm wondering if I should have bet this much...
Lay down your cards, lets finish this game!

2006-06-08T08:27:00.000-05:00

what are we fighting for? A peace that won't last. A freedom thats just an illusion. Killing people because we claim to have a freedom that isnt ours and a peace that is purely imaginary. Blind, selfish and apathetic. Peace and Freedom can only be found in one place, and that isnt what we are offering.

2006-05-29T10:41:00.000-05:00

The last male i kissed was such a dog.

beautiful babies

2006-05-16T15:08:00.000-05:00

Being a mother is great. I have three beautiful babies i adopted several weeks ago. I love coming home from work to see them sleeping in the sunlight coming in the front window. They are little angels, except when they fight. poor little Samson gets picked on by the other two. Ella hissed at me when i picked her up the other night. Anthony is such a shutterbug, he likes to stretch his neck out so i can take pictures of him, but hes a bully to the other two, taking their food and trying to bite them. But they are still so cute. Maybe one day i will get pictures of them up on here. I took a group shot of all three together, it was hard to get them all to sit together, and sit still. I believe i have the most beautfiul turtles there have ever been :)

Apartment Life

2006-04-22T12:24:00.000-05:00

Maybe I didn’t get the memo but since when is it ok for you to summon your friends and your neighbors by beeping at them. It would be one thing if I lived in the woods and my house was surrounded by a moat full of flesh eating piranhas and the only way for me to lower the drawbridge was for you to beep. Not that anybody is coming for me anyway but I do find it annoying when people are always laying on their horns at all hours, shouldn’t there be some book of etiquette for apartment living. I should write one. 1. It is not polite for your friends and family to come over and instead of knocking they choose to beep the horn of their car from the parking lot which happens to be outside my window. You deserve more respect than that, I deserve more respect than that, tell em to cut it out. Yeah, yeah I know if you have a 1. You are supposed to have a 2. but I don’t. maybe the second should be. Don’t splash people with puddles when they are trying to take pictures of the bubbles on the surface of the puddle, that happened today after a good hard rain, luckily I turned in time to protect my camera, I suppose if I had been feeling better I would have been playing out in the rain rather than just watching it. It was a good playing rain. I should also put in my apartment etiquette book something about car alarms, yes I know they are necessary sometimes, but they sure are annoying when they go off at 1:30am and probably because some cat walked by. I dunno, I guess I will work on the other rules for my book, I’ll keep updating it.

yay for randomness

2006-04-22T12:21:00.000-05:00

A guy tried to live in walmart for his entire spring break, how cool is that!! He’s my hero, I wonder if he is single? I read a book when I was in 4th or 5th grade where these two kids lived in a museum; I totally wanted to do that.
A duck billed platypus has 800 hairs per square millimeter, more than a polar bear or a river otter, I couldn’t find the hair density of a beaver, but I imagine its gotta be close. The platypus is the animal shown on the Australian 5 cent piece, they have more hemoglobin in their blood than any other mammal and they can slow their heartbeats down to less than a beat a minute. They are also the only venomous animal, but no worries all you platypus owners its only the mails during mating that are venomous—apparently—WHO KNEW?
It’s easier than you think to lose 100 bucks in dimes, but no worries I found them.
The funniest thing just happened. I was sitting down in my chair writing some blogs and I leaned back in my chair and it broke and I fell backwards and if hitting the wooden bedframe hadn’t hurt so much I might still be laughing. I have a bad habit with chairs—the base just broke off the top I don’t know why or how but its hilarious so now my desk chair is on the floor where I am sitting on it as I type.
(next day) I have a bruise the size of my face on my shoulder, it hurts real bad.

the absent minded becka

2006-04-04T18:24:00.000-05:00

Lately I seem to be forgetting everything. I think I might actually forget my brain if it wasn’t securely surrounded by my skull. This weekend I thought I lost my cell phone—turns out I just left it at home. Saturday night I forgot to set my clock forward. So as I hopped out of the shower yesterday I got a phone call from a friend because I wasn’t at church yet. I lost my bible study questions and I forgot to charge my camera battery. I also forgot my bible study book. Last night I turned on my a/c and forgot to shut the window. Today I managed to leave my lunch on the table at home, so I decided to go pop in the pizza shop and get some lunch. When I got there I realized I had forgotten my wallet at work. To my benefit, I have a friend that works there and he made sure I got some food.
After I finish eating, I have to run by the bank on the corner to pay him back, I just don’t feel right getting something for nothing. That’s probably the greatest struggle with my salvation—essentially it’s something for nothing. Even when I think of my intellect—something I have always taken pride in. I suppose I got that for free too—and it’s something for so long I have taken for granted as if it was ever mine to control to begin with. I guess its all pride, even the idea of needing salvation to begin with, we must come to the reality that we are hopeless without Christ. We all want to think we have it all figured out and we don’t need “charity.” I am leery of the abuse of grace as well. If I was to go back expecting free lunch everyday—it would be a different story, I am not in need of a constant free lunch because I work hard and I have money to pay for it. But with out salvation all of our works are as filthy rags. We can never pay our own way. Grace is such an antithetical concept to the human mind; we are so trained to think in actions and consequences. You work hard you get money you pay for what you need. But grace is not for the lazy who won’t work; it’s for those that have come to realize that all their work is pointless without the shed blood of Christ covering their sins. The people that are the worst are the ones that need grace the most. If grace could be about deserving the favor then the less you deserve grace the more it makes sense that you need it. If grace is unmerited favor wouldn’t it make sense that the worse you are the less you deserve anything-- which is what makes grace so complete? So if I actually let go of my pride—which is the very thing that makes me a candidate for grace maybe there is room for Grace to work in me. But I keep tripping over this attitude that I am ok, or I am not as bad as______, or to the point of bringing down others in an attempt to make it look like I am good comparatively, even if I am better, it may not be a matter of being better—it may just be that I am less worse.
So as I sit here enjoying my free lunch I am reminded again of God’s grace—not only in the salvation I don’t deserve but in every aspect of my life. Even when we think we have what it takes, we realize grace is not even about what we deserve, it’s about God. And that’s all that really matters.

three weeks

2006-04-02T00:36:00.000-05:00

I’ve gotten to know God a lot more in the last three weeks. About a month ago my friends mom came down to live with him, her first week down here she fell and broke her leg in 2 places. That was her welcome here. Those situations would be difficult for anyone, but especially for her; developmentally she’s lost somewhere along the way.
So the first week she was out of the hospital she was moved to a nursing care facility. I went to visit her the first week she was there-- In an attempt to somehow show the love of Christ. I wasn’t sure what to think at first and sometimes even now I am not really sure what to make of it. I can’t say that I immediately felt any love for her, I didn’t really know how to navigate such a situation, but I know that I should do it. The second visit came easier. Although I was worried it would be strangers staring at each other in awkward silence. I didn’t want to be there for the wrong reasons and I spent a lot of time praying that my motives would be correct. I didn’t want to go just to look good, or gain the respect of people, or because of a sense of duty, or even to gain more respect from my friend for doing this for his mom. I wanted it to be because I was bringing glory to God by showing love to someone that I didn’t even know. It wasn’t that they weren’t unlovable, I just didn’t know them. I knew as long as I remained distant I would also remain apathetic.
The second visit was better, not only was she in less pain but she was out and moving around a bit, so there were things to talk about, she shares similar tastes in music as I do, and music is always common ground for me with just about anyone. But something happened on the second visit, I got to see her interaction with other people, I saw a kind and generous spirit of a woman that I can only equate to an animal probably because there are very few humans that embody this—that is to say like a dog that you kick will still come back and lick your face and wag its tail. That was my first lesson--the lesson of truly loving your neighbor as yourself.
During that visit I was also privy to an intimate exchange between a mother and her son. She admitted there were nights when she would sit on his bed while he was sleeping and wish he was dead, the story started off as a “when you were young…” type of story so we thought that it was going to be a really good juicy embarrassing story about him. But it changed very quickly to a solemn time. She felt over 20 years of guilt from wishing her son was dead, the son who is her lifeline and her strength right now. Usually a conversation killer, but instead, someone suggested forgiveness. She leaned over to her son with his face in her hands and asked for forgiveness, with tears in her eyes. That’s probably a lot of information all in one day, to know that instead of a cute embarrassing story about your childhood that instead your mom wished you were dead, but in grace and great wisdom, I witnessed Gods power of reconciliation, as a mother and son held each other, both realizing the weight the fallen world puts on us, and rejoicing in the fact that the past is the past and there is forgiveness and healing.
Today was a special visit, because today was her birthday, I decided that I don’t have much to bring but I do have the ability to make stuff, so I made cupcakes, easy to make eat and share. I was amazed by how many people she knew, the people around her that she would give the world to if she could. There was a bit of the awkward silence today, but I don’t mind it as much as I used to. I stayed and hung out with her for several hours, people gravitate towards her room, she has a way of putting people at ease and making people laugh, some have to ability to raise their selves up and “rise above” everyone else, she has a way of raising others up, a gentle humbleness that I really can’t explain. When I went to leave she gave me a hug and told me she loved me, something I wasn’t really expecting at all, which was by the way my third lesson about God and his love. His love always comes first. We only love him because he loved us, and I hope in a sense that she loves me because she loves God in me, after all it is his love, not my own that I give.
The past few weeks I have seen a practical application of the things I have spent most of my lifetime studying—the hard to grasp concepts of God’s love and forgiveness. I went in thinking I was going to show the love of Christ to someone, and what happened was they ended up showing me.

voting off

2006-03-30T00:27:00.000-05:00

So today I am cruising down the road after work, doing one of my favorite pastimes—singing along with the radio. Its springtime so the windows are down, and I am enjoying my ritual unwinding time. Just me and the music. I look up to see if the light has changed and some pedestrians thought that I should not be singing in my car at that volume and decided to tell me so with their gestures. Ha ha, all in good fun—whatever.
Who are they to think they are simon cowell and can judge whoever they want. I am not attempting to go on national television and be critiqued by America. Yet people feel free to cast judgement on me for doing something I love. Which really has nothing to do with them anyway.
The other night I watched the show American inventor, and this guy had a therapy doll, that he thought was a good idea. Now the editing made it appear as if he was ridiculous. And maybe he was but what right have I to say such a thing. If I think its ridiculous well I don’t have to buy it, but what helped him may not help me but it might help someone else. See I use pets as therapy and really its not that different. Maybe hes allergic to pets and this helps him get through his day.
But we seem to have this overwhelming urge to tell people they are idiots or at least they look like them. The whole idea of being creative and thinking in a different way is so prized in success yet is squashed and misunderstood in every other avenue. Creative people don’t always have the best ideas, talented people don’t always perform their best. And people singing to the radio in their car are just people singing to the radio in their car.
I don’t understand why those people had to gesture anything, I was doing something I loved, and I don’t really care what I sounded like. So what if I was flat on that last note, I don’t see you singing, I just see you crossing in front of my car making rude gestures at me. Now I am not trying to stifle anybody’s creative thinking, but it comes to my attention that I am in a car and they are a pedestrian walking in front of my car, I think if you are going to be judging people you should be prepared for that. Pedestrian verses car the pedestrian doesn’t usually win. Not that I would ever run over anyone, but they don’t have to know that.I wonder what makes people do things like that, through out my life I can remember instances where I was on the judging side of the story. My mom used to sing to the radio at department stores and grocery stores, I thought this was terribly embarrassing as do most kids with anything involving their parents. But I also remember times when I saw someone jamming in their car or doing something totally crazy and my thoughts were—man I wish that I could do that, or More power to ya. It takes guts to do stuff that isn’t accepted as the norm, and I have a lot of respect for people that are willing to put themselves out on the line for the world to “vote “ them on or off. I have great respect also for people that care a lot about people, but little about what people think about them,maybe they are singing in the car at the top of their lungs or maybe they are talking to themselves, or maybe they are just enjoying life.
I mean c’mon y’all, whats the big deal. When did we all become to grown up to enjoy life, when did we get so stuffy that we had to try to put on a presentable front to everyone. I just feel like I am getting sucked into this hole where I have to conform to normal which includes mostly not venturing too far outside the norm of thought/culture/society/--dare I say religion. And in turn for being like everyone else I get to “vote off” the “weirdos” that are still holding on.
Its no wonder that much of the world views Americans like they do. We act like we know it all, but when it comes down to it, turns out we don’t know anything. Any brains or bright ideas that we had we firmly squashed because well—they just weren’t normal.
Im not saying we should be so nice that we disregard the truth. But if we continue this bullying attitude, thinking we have the right and the ability to judge and critique someone else, we are crushing the creative drive that has helped this country become what it is today. What if we could say to that guy with the therapy doll, “you know I don’t think this idea is widely marketable, I am glad that it helped you out, its very unique, keep the ideas coming”
On a similar note, lets have a show called Americas next president. Make it like survivor, put all those running on an island together and whoever outlasts, outplays, and outsmarts the others and becomes the survivor gets to be the next president. Or maybe we should make it like American Idol where you can vote for who your favorite is. Would certainly bring an interesting perspective to the political debates. Forget all this democrat/republican business—everyman for himself. We will probably find out more of what they are made of than we can during election campaigns anyway.

whats my motivation

2006-03-11T19:03:00.000-05:00

There have been a lot of changes of late, seems like the story of my life these days. I have to report though that things are going very well. The job is going well I finish up the first major part of my training on Monday. I am moved in to my new place, although I did try to burn it down by leaving some potatoes in the oven and then going over to a friendÂs house, by the time I remembered them the sirens were already on their way. I came to 5 fire trucks and a busted in door. I guess that will help my memory in case I ever want to forget about something I am cooking. ItÂs nice to have weekends off. This weekend I had the opportunity to take some long awaited pictures and to go visit with some people, I managed to do my share of yard work as well, and I guess it all evens out since I eat at their house half the time anyway. I sold out to the man and actually got a cell phone. But I have made a conscious effort to not talk on it when I am in the company of real people. I don't accept calls during supper or when I am busy doing something else, it's a phone not a digital leash (thanks to John for the digital leash comment).
I have been thinking about motivation and why we do what we do. What are my motives for doing anything? Of course the Christian cop-out answer is to say Âto glorify God.Â Ultimately that is my goal but what does that mean? I am playing out a variety of scenarios in my head and I canÂt decide if my motive is one way or another. Is it good to try and please someone else? Some would say no, you should only live to please Christ, but in practical terms how does that all play out. Say for example I want to do something nice for someone. So here is the thought that runs through my head:
Ok so I am going to write a card and buy flowers to encourage--lets call them person A--am I doing this to encourage them because I truly care about them, or am I doing this because it makes me feel good when I do nice things for other people, or am I looking for validation from another person that I am a good person. So what if my motive is a little of all 3 or what if its just one, does that mean I should not do a nice thing for someone? Meanwhile I have just missed my exit off the interstate because I was deep in this self discussion, and now I am lost and my head hurts. I would like to say that my motive is always for the good of other people, but honestly its not, so does that mean I should just stop doing nice things to people until I can get my motives straight? Meanwhile my brain is in grid lock because itÂs overwhelmed when I think of everything I do in this kind of context. So I end up doing whatever the default is because I just canÂt handle the information overload, and then I think ok, default thatÂs another option another motive, is that motive called laziness. And if God is sovereign, and I believe he is, doesn't he use my good motives and my bad motives to accomplish his purpose. And I'm not meaning a license to sin, remember these are good noble things that I want to do and I want my motives to be right. I can't say to God well I will just do whatever I want and then you can use that, that's the wrong line of thinking. God commands us to do certain things and not to do other things and those are important. I just keep seeing this ugly heart, and I am being so brutally honest with myself and it makes me mad, that I think this way. And remember motives are something nobody else can see, this is all within my head and my heart and I am mad not because I am going to get caught, or because someone might think less of me, I'm mad because I know what's right and I can't seem to stick to that line of thinking. So here I am confronted with nothing but my own thoughts and I realize that in spite of it all God still loves me and that's powerful information. This week on the way to work I have been listening to the CD of our Easter cantata for this year. There is a monologue testimony on there that I listen to everyday and when it gets to one part I rewind it and listen to it several times. It says "Everyday God reaches down and resurrects me from the grip of death... and everyday he exerts that same power he used to resurrect Christ from the grip of death." I have to listen to it a few times, because sometimes it just doesn't seem that it can be real. That's the power he is using for my sanctification. Every time I really and truly focus on this fact, I am left in speechless awe at my amazing God.

Let's toast Love... with a glass of pesticide

2006-02-21T16:25:00.000-05:00

Why am I nervous? Why am I at a loss for words when I see your face?
I want to talk to you and I have so many things I can say, but when the time comes suddenly I have nothing of consequence.
I am not trying to avoid you or not talk to you, but every time I try to talk all thoughts disappear.  Even the most basic like hello, how are you? Because I know the answer is going to be ok or fine or alright, and I want to know more about you than that.  What I really want to ask is who are you? And what’s on your mind? And what do you think of me? I want to hear you laugh.
It wasn’t always this way, and I am not sure what has changed to make it this way.
I’m not even sure that I like you, or that I know you well enough to like you.
And as for you, well I don’t really know what’s going through your mind.
I need to call you and I look for an excuse to dial the number, then I hang up and wish that I could just write you a letter or send you an email; I'm not good about this on the spot stuff.  It’s nice to have time to think things over and respond.  What if I get the answering machine, worse yet what if you answer, it seems so silly to call you for something that all of a sudden seems so meaningless.  And after I ask you and you answer my question, I want to stay on the line, but I don’t know what to say.  Last time I came to visit and all I could manage was “this is good Mr. Pibb”—how dumb is that!
And although I can’t seem to talk to you these days, I miss you when you aren’t around, or when I’m not around as the case may be and I don’t get to see you.  But what’s the point in seeing you if I can’t even talk to you.
Maybe we should do something, then I would have something to talk about, I’d love to go for a long walk in the woods, I know a great spot, or a drive maybe the Blue Ridge parkway is great this time of year.  Would it be weird for two friends to do something together?  I think I would be able to talk if we could do something to distract my self.  Or maybe I could let you borrow some music and we could talk to each other in song lyrics, but I don’t even know if you have time for any of this, and I know you wont have much time pretty soon.  I’ll have weekends off soon; I’d love to spend some of them getting to know you.  Do you like to go fishing, do you know of any good spots.  I don’t think I have to talk, silence is fine with me.  Except when I am calling to talk, and have nothing to say.
I just wish I could swallow some pesticide and kill these butterflies; I was doing amazing before they came.  I don’t want to feel these things I just want to be able to talk to you in a normal way, I’m really not avoiding you, but yet I am.  I know people will talk and I’m not ready for that, I don’t need any more ideas in my head; I have enough of my own.  We aren’t there yet, and we may never be, but in the mean time id like to see you.  And if I find out that you have the butterflies too we can both toast a glass of pesticide and move on with our lives.

Status

2006-02-13T02:03:00.000-05:00

Well it’s been another crazy time.  I can’t believe how old I have gotten.  When did all this happen?  I have been thinking back to the past few years and looking at where I've been and what I’ve done.  Things have been pretty crazy.  In the last year I’ve managed to have 3 jobs, been to at least 7 different states, out of the country once.  I’ve grown closer to some friends and drifted apart from others.  Now I am embarking on a new experience, I am starting a new job at something I’ve never done before.  I’m moving to a new place, which is yet to be decided.  I have new members of my family and new members being added soon.  I’ve been diving in to the lives of the people around me sharing in their joys and hardships.  I can’t say this has been fun, in terms of what I used to think was fun.  In college I had fun, irresponsible impetuous fun.  But this is different, this is more organized and more steady more day to day.  It’s all together different.  It’s changing who I am and that’s a good thing.  I think I am becoming less selfish and more grounded.  I am learning to trust in the only giver and sustainer of life and his faithfulness for the journey.  I have been in some pretty lonely and rough places and just learning to seek God’s face and make the right decisions when everyone was telling me to do the contrary, and on the decisions where I failed, just find the love in forgiveness and being able to start new.
I still have much to learn, and this journey is far from over.  I just hope that I will be able to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God.  That I will live each day overcoming the fear that controls me and learning to address my weaknesses, first to my savior, and second to those that will keep me accountable.  I want to carry others burdens, not because of a duty or service, but because I love them, and the love of Christ lives in me and I want that love to be so deep and strong that it flows out of every thought and action in my life.  I want that for you too.
And when I stumble, I want you to be there, to lift me up in prayer and to help me get back to where I need to be, to sharpen me in the truth, as iron sharpens iron.  To show me a different way to think, and a different way to respond, that I may bring glory and honor to our father in heaven.
And yes I am way too spiritual on this, but this is right where I need to be.  I want to look back on this part of my life and say, I had a fun time, I was right where I was supposed to be and this is how it all worked out, and it was all God.  Like this job, I have been praying for, for over a year, and its here.  And God is good. The answer was coming and it couldn’t have been at a better time.  I am praying for many more things and eagerly waiting to see what God is going to do, now all I need is patience!

Locked

2006-01-17T04:18:00.000-05:00

The keys are locked inside; I could get a locksmith if I could trust one.
Then once they get inside I still have to find the keys before I can actually go anywhere.
Everyone has gathered around they keep telling me that I shouldn’t lock my keys in the car and that I should be more careful.  Why don’t the spectators get a life? Because they are seeing me on my way, and they are seeing me—an idiot for locking the keys inside. I wish they would just leave, as if I needed their statements of the obvious.  As if they have never done that before.
There is a spare set of keys but the one who has them is far away.  I called him to come, and maybe he will, maybe I can just get it done before he comes, and it seems so stupid to bother him when I am the one that locked the keys in the car.
I’m so frustrated now, like I am the one that’s locked without a key.  I am just trying to get out of here, but it’s taking longer than I thought.  These people are never going to let me live this down; I’ll hear about this the rest of my life.  Even when they are silent I hear their thoughts, “How could anyone be so stupid…”
The locksmith can’t get in, and on top of that there is now a big scratch on my door.  I call for the key, he still won’t come.  I’m so mad I throw the phone across the parking lot, as it slams into tiny pieces I sit down on the gravel next to the car and start to cry.  The tears have blurred all the faces of those that are still standing around watching me.  My anger burns, I don’t want them to see me, I feel so dumb.
Finally he’s here, he helps me off the ground and without a key opens the passenger side which has been unlocked the whole time, I sit down and he uses his key to open the driver’s side and start the car.  My lost key had been slammed in the door of the car as I shut it, and it wouldn’t work anymore anyway.  I don’t care that it took him so long, I'm just glad he’s here.  “I was busy, I came as soon as I could, trust me you’ll see” he assured me.
“I didn’t think you were ever going to come, I feel so foolish, and I’m so frustrated and the car and the scratch and the price of the locksmith and …”
“Its ok I got it covered.”
“But…”
“But nothing, its ok, I needed to drive anyway, you would have never found this place on your own.”
“Anyway I’m glad I don’t have to be around those people anymore, I felt like such an idiot.”
“Why?!?, I sent them to you, didn’t you see how happy they were when I came to help you, they weren’t there to judge you, they were there to help you, you had it all wrong, everyone of them has done the same thing, and I had to come pick them up too, they will meet us there tonight when we get home, you’ll see it will be different.”
“I should have waited for you, instead I called the locksmith and now there is this bill I can’t pay.”
“I said I would take care of it, a lot of people call the locksmith, and sometimes he actually gets them into their cars but they still don’t know how to get where we are going, I know you didn’t think I was coming, and that’s ok because I came and you are here now, and you are going to love what I have planned for you…”

this to shall come to pass

2006-01-05T23:58:00.000-05:00

I got some new music for Christmas, YAY! For new music, YAY! That Christmas is over, not that I don’t like Christmas but I don’t like Christmas. I am not a scrooge and if you really want to know all the reasons I hate Christmas I will tell you but I am not going to drag it around through this blog again every year. So I have been listening to this song Beauty from Pain from the title track off of superchick's latest album. I guess it speaks to me especially right now because I am reading through the psalms as well.
“… and all that’s left is to accept that it’s over, my dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made…after all this has passed, I still will remain, after I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain, though it wont be today, someday I’ll hope again… and you’ll bring beauty from my pain…my whole world is the pain inside me the best I can do is just get through the day, when life before is only a memory I wonder why God lets me walk through this place, and though I cant understand why this happened I know that I will when I look back someday, and see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes and made me gold purified through these flames…..and there will be beauty from pain…”I guess it kinda puts into perspective all that we go through and in reference to another song on this album “…And so each step that she’s taking is a step of faith toward who she’ll be…” I am facing a lot of uncertainties right now, but I know one thing that is for certain and that’s God. And I am ok with that.

Colouring within the Lines

2005-12-06T15:07:00.000-05:00

There are times when the trail is necessary when the lines help us to know where we are and what we are doing, and I am not suggesting disregarding authority or tearing down structure and what’s right and wrong for the sake of doing things my own way.
But sometimes we get stuck in the mentality of lines; we lose what it feels like to be creative and adventurous. We get into the habit where things are done for us. Lines are drawn, trails are mapped out and roads are marked, do we ever question who put up these boundaries, was it for our benefit is it really for our good?
I am merely suggesting that we get dirty once in a while or wet or cold or just plain uncomfortable to go beyond our field of experience/knowledge to discover something better and more grand than we could imagine.

I smell

2005-12-06T13:07:00.000-05:00

I smell like a French fry, no, no, no, French fries do not have the ability to smell, I know French fries don’t have noses and yes I can smell ...the aroma that French fries give off is the same aroma I am giving off, which is great if you are hungry for French fries but no so great if you are not a French fry. Or is it freedom fry, or better yet sweet potato fries or garlic fries—those make you smell real good, no not smell like that…grrrrr….there is no winning this argument with you.

Progress/Regress Report

2005-12-02T13:52:00.000-05:00

Progress/Regress ReportI set some goals for myself so that my mind would not go to waste.I was going to read a book every week, I was going to try something new or do something that scares me everyday, I was going to take pictures everyday and continue to grow and work on these things.  I wanted to write more, but not just about what’s going on but important things, deep meaningful though provoking things.  I was also going to continue not to watch TV.
This is my progress report.  I haven’t read a book a week since august when I got stuck on Jane Austen’s Emma.  In regard to writing about nothing, I would have to say Jane Austen leaves nothing to the imagination; every detail is described to the point of needing no imagination.  Which I think leaves no room for the story to transcend time periods and people can’t place themselves in the story because they aren’t imagining themselves in that atmosphere.  So I got so frustrated with the book after the 6th chapter or so I couldn’t continue, and I had 4 more books I had checked out from the library which I tried to read, but it was lost.  So I ended up turning the books in late and I still owe money on them.  As far as trying something new, or scary, it just hasn’t happened.  I quit my job and now I am working 2 others, that’s pretty scary, I guess there is just so much uncertainty about where I am going to live and work that there is no brainpower left to try something new.  I guess you can count my meal of Spam and Chai as something new, rather a new combination, or even something scary judging by the reactions of those around me.  I am using a new camera, at first that was scary and new.  So I guess I am not doing too bad in this category, I guess I just wanted it to be more intentional, like a fear factor kind of thing, but I am not easily scared, and maybe everyday is too frequent and needs to be adjusted.
Most days I take pictures, either at work or with my own camera, I am still wanting the new camera, and I think even if I don’t take pictures everyday I make up for it on special occasions, I just noticed a lack of everyday pictures which makeup most of my gallery.  I guess if I wanted to I could blame it on the weather, and my tiredness, but I still need to take more pictures.  I just haven’t felt inspired lately and I think people aren’t used to me taking pictures of them because I don’t have my camera out enough.  I have to admit occasionally I feel very silly for taking pictures for no specific reason.  But I need to get over this, I guess I am just tired of the comments and stares of people thinking I am crazy, maybe I am but who are you to judge?  And I guess I have been working on my photography, I printed off some model releases last night and a photo log to keep track of the information and details of some pictures, that’s a step in the right direction.
I was going to start writing more, thought provoking things, involving all kinds of irony and plays on words, satirical.  I love that kind of stuff.  I had many people comment on the blog about hair dye, it actually sounded like a disgruntled ex –girlfriend speaking of the many ills of her former beau. (See September 12, 2005 blog)  Its still one of my favorites.  I want to write more like that.  Sometimes I feel I need an audience though.  I just don’t think anyone cares anymore.  Maybe they don’t but my writing shouldn’t be dependant on them.  I guess I am insecure that way.  A general lack of creativity doesn’t help either.  I dunno if it’s from the restless sleep, the crazy scramble of life working 2 jobs and trying to juggle all of this life, which really isn’t so bad, but it’s enough to make me tired, yet I still have the creative drive, but I’d rather sleep.  My friends help with my creativity and lately I just haven’t spent enough time with them.  It’s hard when everyone is so far away, either geographically or mentally.  I maybe just need more friends.
I can also blame the TV, I stopped watching it mostly.  I got used to not having it, but it has become a social thing now.  When I go to see someone we watch TV, which is ok but I want to do something more creative that uses our creativity but it goes back to the whole tired uncreative ness issue—why I'm not writing and taking pictures more—It’s a lot of energy to be creative and what’s the point of using all that energy when people are content to just watch TV.  And I think TV just adds to the uncreative ness, it’s like a sick cycle.  It reminds me of a C.S. Lewis quote I came across this week that I think I will share.
“We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.  We are far too easily pleased.”
Although I believe Lewis was speaking of much more spiritual matters than these.  I believe there is a direct connection with the spiritual settling for less and that same settling in our everyday lives.  Could it be that I am experiencing this drought because I have forgotten the one who wants to give us life to the full.  Have I settled for these things instead of focusing on the creator of these things?  It does pose an interesting question.

Love is like rain

2005-11-27T23:56:00.000-05:00

Love is like rain-
It washes away stains,
Erasing past pains

Love is like rain-
It pours down on our hearts,
Leaving permanent marks.

Love is like rain-
It strikes us deep
And keeps us from sleep.

Love is like rain-
It drips through our hands,
Can’t hold on—never can.

Love is like rain-
It hurts so good and helps so bad,
Sometimes it even makes us mad.

Love is like rain-
It comes and it goes,
It causes all things to grow.

Love is like rain-
It pounds inside
It makes us want to hide.

Love is like rain-
It bids us to cry,
Until the day we die.

©1998

2005-11-04T00:42:00.000-05:00

Just because there are options does not necessarily mean you should choose any of them--I am the only one who believes this? Thanks for the rock I was already at a hard place, I'm so glad you are so encouraging in this way. Thanks for helping me make the wrong decision. I know what I need, thanks for making me feel like an idiot 50 times over by pretending that this is something you are surprised I actually understand. And maybe this is for the best. Try to live with the decisions I make ok? If you are going to let me fall let me fall already, so I can stop wondering when. So I can get to putting the pieces back together already. Oh and for you thanks for allowing me to cease to exist in your life, I am not going to hold onto this anymore, lets just let it die ok? After all everybody else seems to be able to leave it behind, you aren't the first or the last. I am so glad that you are able to share with your family how well I am doing, after all its about time I grew up eh? Here's where I could insert a personal attack but here's where I don't because I care about you and I just wish you'd stop hurting me. Here's where I cry because I am so frustrated thinking about me, just when I start to get out of that you have to make sure I don't. This is the part where I wish I could just vomit and flush and it would all be over.

1 year anniversary

2005-11-04T00:37:00.000-05:00

well in honor of one year of bloghood. i would like to direct you to my latest internet craze. DEVIANT ART
please check out my gallery.

With a twist

2005-10-28T12:23:00.000-05:00

y'all know how fun and interesting those email quizzes you get can be, so I have made my own, in celebration of them.(p.s. secretly I think the email quizzes are lame)and they all start off something like this
Here's what you do: take this entire quiz and copy and paste it on to a new email, then change the answers to fit you and forward it back to everyone in your address book including the person that sent this to you. If you do this in *insert random time period* you will *insert good fortune(usually something about your crush or love life or some wish coming true)*, if you don't then *insert bad news here(usually the opposite of your good news, only worse. I always make the wish that I would get these dumb quizzes all the time and then hope my wish doesn't come true)*. I personally think there should be a little giggle at the end before you start the quiz so *TeeHee*
NAME: Becka
AGE: Old enough to know better
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: I keep hearing that little TeeHee in my head
(then there are usually some random favorite questions or the type that aren't really questions like shoes/socks?--what is that supposed to mean?!?, so here are my interpretations of those)
ICE CREAM/USED TIRES? mmm tires
HALF A FLIP FLOP/OR A FALAFEL? I'd like a falafel with that
BACKSTREET BOYS OR N*SYNC? backstreets back--ALRIGHT!
CALCULATOR OR MEASURING SPOON? Yes
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE
DENTAL TREATMENT: ooh I love when they pull out that little scraper thing that looks like captain hook and scrape along my gums with that
PUNCTURE OR ABRASION: considering the number of my piercings...
(now here comes the part where you are supposed to answer with numbers)
TATTOOS:1 but it covers 96% of my skin
PIERCINGS:7
FRIENDS:square root of 2
TEETH: sometimes
SAT SCORE: 5,283,562.9
GPA:see SAT score
SHOE SIZE:right foot 11, left foot 7.5
KNIVES IN YOUR COLLECTION:17
RAN OVER SOMETHING WITH A CAR: see SAT score
(here's the deep part)
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW: well first off how dumb these quizzes are, secondly how bored I must be not having a job to come up with this, thirdly just waiting to know the next step, trying to figure out how to not go insane from this world that's dishing out insanity with a pitchfork. I'm also thinking that today I would rather eat chocolate than soup, and how it feels nice to sit in your pajamas all day.
well that's the end of my quiz. Happy Friday everyone!

You guys know..

2005-10-25T14:54:00.000-05:00

You know how great I think the band bleach is. SO if you can't decide on what to get me for Christmas, I will be your friend forever if you get me the new bleach "audio visual" CD and if everyone decides to get this for me, I can give away the extra copies to my friends and family. bleach should be shared with the world. This is like the best of the best and you can get it here

The Switch

2005-10-21T23:09:00.000-05:00

These guys are oh so cool. Check them out on MySpace and PureVolume or at their site

MEEOOOWWWWWW!

2005-10-21T20:18:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about how I would like to be a cat. Some days I would just like to curl up next to or on someone and have them pet my head.--Therapy for both of us I am sure. Today that sounded like the best option, curl up next to someone I totally trust and fall asleep as they stroke my head. And all would be well.
Then I realized if I were a cat id be furry everywhere, and that’s not so cool. And I would lick myself and that’s not so cool either. I would probably have one of those strange demented owners that put stuff on their cat and take pictures of it on their cat.
But for a fleeting moment I thought it might be nice.

A year ago today

2005-10-06T11:15:00.000-05:00

A year ago today
I left them all behind
A year ago today
I think I lost my mind
A year ago today
I cried the whole day
A year ago today
I left with so many things to say
A year ago today
I had seen the season’s first snow
A year ago today
I remembered change causes us to grow

2005-10-03T13:02:00.000-05:00

2005-10-02T23:57:00.000-05:00

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Rebekahosis
Cause:	too much sleep
Symptoms:	occasional acne, ability to fly, delusions
Cure:	acupuncture
Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:

silence

2005-09-20T11:36:00.000-05:00

If the whole world would be silent, for a moment so I could let him know how I felt.  I think somewhere inside I imagine when the day comes to make a decision as to where this relationship will go, I imagine if it progresses to seal it with a kiss, since I have never kissed or been kissed, I somehow think time will stop or the world will fall silent.  But that’s probably all in my head.
...Just fantasy child.  It’s not about the kiss, it’s about him, it’s about how he makes your over anxious mind fall silent.  You sleep better, you smile more, and he makes you laugh deep.  You finally feel safe in the arms of someone else, how long it has been.
It would be awesome even if it was all about you, but its not.  Cuz you turn it upside down for him, keep him on his toes, losing his breath, gaining his confidence, laughing, sighing, being afraid and knowing its ok.
And when you stop and look in his eyes it’s as if you have always known him, because you know you see his soul and he sees yours, instead of turning away you hold the stare, barely breathing except when he breathes, and all is silent just as you imagined.

2005-09-12T16:27:00.000-05:00

You think I need you, but I am just fine on my own.
Maybe I thought I needed a change,
maybe I thought you would work for me.
But you're so superficial, so pointless.
Maybe you make me feel beautiful, maybe you are just a cover for my boredom;
I don't want mere entertainment, or superficial change.
I know you wont last long, in a month or two you'll be gone or your straggly remnants will be holding on at the end, and I will wish we had never met.
The stench of your existence lingers long after you are gone like a cigarette smoked yesterday, I try and wash it away, but its still there, refusing to abandon me.
I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over, you're all the same--Never really changing me.

Memory(sing it like CATS--if you can remember that)

2005-09-02T10:01:00.000-05:00

I think about alzheimer's everyday as I put anti-perspirant on, I think, "wow this is one less memory I am going to have," do I really care if I am going to stink more than I care about losing my mind? There have been links to aluminum and alzheimer's, and here we are applying something directly to our skin everyday that's active ingredient is a form of aluminum that is supposed to absorb into your pores. So if I ever smell bad, I just thought that it was a day was worth remembering.

Peanuts anyone?

2005-09-01T22:34:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid, I didn't know anybody was allergic to peanuts. I took peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to school all the time. I never saw someone rushed to the hospital with anaphylactic shock.
so where did this hysteria come from. Are my kids never going to get to enjoy a nice PB&J sandwich(the road trip food of choice)at school because one of their classmates has the dreaded peanut allergy.
where did it come from. I mean people have always been allergic to nuts. So is the government adding stuff to our food (genetic engineering, chemicals, etc.) so that our bodies learn to reject this jimmy carter, George Washington carver wonder?
It seems to be a recent phenomenon, so what aren't they telling us. Why would our bodies on such a large scale start rejecting "a protein" hmm makes you wonder?
Or maybe like SARS, West Nile, Mad Cow, its just a pretend epidemic, by the media? WHAT DO THEY HAVE AGAINST PEANUTS?!?

Moving around

2005-08-15T00:37:00.000-05:00

Tonight I really wanted to go shopping. Seeing as I don't have any money I didn't think that would be such a great idea. I guess more than anything I am feeling like I need a change. The job is going great and everything is fine, I just want something to be new and different. The best way to accomplish that is to buy something right?
Tomorrow I am planning on swinging by the newspaper office to drop off a resume. Its for a writing job, so I am a little nervous about my mediocre resume. It needs a little more tweaking and altering. I thought maybe a new job close by where I don't have to fill up my car 6 times a month with gas prices at $2.70 a gallon. It's in our small town and I think it would be a great opportunity to really do something I would enjoy. So I thought why not, I'll give it a shot.
I also decided tonight that the setup of my main room was all wrong so I moved it all around to give myself some more space and breathing room, the room is pretty much square so its not the easiest to do but I managed with the door and window placements to come up with a less cluttered more open solution. So I might be able to go into the attic tomorrow and pull a rug down to make it more my space. I also have to reorganize my book shelf since I pulled all the books off to move the shelf
then maybe I will box up some of moms stuff and stash that in the attic as well. I'm tired of not having my own space.
So maybe this will cure that itch for something new. After the last 6 years moving every 6 months you just get antsy when you've been in a place too long. So here's to almost a year in one place!

It's a Bugs Life

2005-08-15T00:20:00.000-05:00

A texture not all that unlike over cooked mushrooms covered in fish scales. BUGS.
Saturday they has an all day event at the museum of natural science. After work a friend and I took off on an adventure of the bug kind. Fully armed with, well, nothing but ourselves our trusty steed(trogdor) and of course my camera. We ventured to the "other" city and fumbled our way around until we found the museum, because we had both forgot directions on how to get there.
It was interesting, I was hoping it would be different or better--I had high hopes after all these are BUGS we are talking about. I had a Madagascar hissing cockroach crawl on me, but I couldn't pick up the spiders or the scorpions or anything else, I dunno I wanted to touch them, and look at them, the popular tables like the spider/scorpion you couldn't get to. I was hoping they would have a big room where you could walk in and observe all the bugs --like just a big room full of bugs. I wanted to see some stick bugs, and some spruce bugs and all kinds of spiders and butterflies and dragon flies various types of ticks and fish flies and horse flies and water bugs. I wanted to see a stand that made jewelry out of the bugs in a pseudo amber look. Maybe there were more displays earlier in the day, but I thought it was lacking. The most interesting part was the sitar player and eating mealworms and grasshoppers. There were lots of people--lots of kids and I was tired and had a headache and really bad food. So we left.

Twilight zone

2005-08-12T01:08:00.000-05:00

I waited a long time for this. For almost a month I have been planning today. Lucky for me I can't sleep anyway. I have too much on my mind. I watched the sky for almost an hour and I saw one measly meteor, so I went to Walmart to buy a tent.
Why you ask?--hmmm, that's a good question. I went there and ended up purchasing a packaged of yellow legal pads. Its a mystery to me as well, but I am sure its practical. I was going to buy some nice tall black strappy heels, another mysterious thing I felt like buying, but luckily for my checking account there were none.
Today has seemed like forever. I guess I have been awake for a long time now longer than usual. I managed to offend a friend, to say good bye to one, and to be furious at another. Today must be my lucky day. My mind is still aching from all the thoughts that have been spilling through, and my dream about the envelope that was believed to be a cat, I guess it should be classified with the Walmart mystery.

The ride of my life

2005-07-29T14:05:00.000-05:00

I get restless in my job and at my home especially in the summer. So I drive. Not to any particular destination but just to drive. Not having air conditioning makes driving in the cool of the evening the best option. But there is a magical transformation that takes place in my car when I drive.
I can go from being lonely and sad, or stressed and depressed to feeling alive and independant and strong. Its like in a small way I am deciding something in my life, something of little consequence like which direction I will take a particular road, but it makes me feel like I am doing something important.
I guess all around me there are just too many options and I am afraid where one direction will take me, or maybe I just don't know where I am going to end up. Many of my decisions are made for me based on my environment and circumstances. But when I get in my car to drive I go on the roads and realize that it doesn't matter if I don't know where I am going, it doesn't matter if I am lost because I am not trying to get anywhere, I am just enjoying the ride.

2005-07-25T00:23:00.002-05:00

2005-07-25T00:23:00.001-05:00

2005-07-25T00:23:00.000-05:00

a little river in egypt-part 1

2005-07-24T23:08:00.000-05:00

The air has finally cooled from the day.
As we look upon the stars,
I contemplate how alone we really are.
I see how I am lost and insignificant.
But feel significance lying next to me,
in the bed of that old truck.
the metal cool to the touch, sends a chill, and I move closer.
I lean over to whisper the magic to you.
You stop me with a look, before I can speak.
I'm waiting in anticipation to see if the thought on your lips
were the same ones I wanted to share with you
the words come out--
"Man, I'm hungry"

A little river in Egypt-Part 2

2005-07-24T23:00:00.000-05:00

There is a time at the beginning of the day when I am almost awake but not quite. I wander between consciousness and unconsciousness. I find this is the time when I allow my self to think thoughts that otherwise I would keep in check.
Like something that is whispered but I wouldn't said out loud. A Pandora's box of sorts, afraid of the power of the secret thoughts and emotions that rush out like a shaken up can of coke. Thoughts my waking body tries to keep a lid on. Put into words they become credible, when spoken they become truth or lies. But in the disorientation of a waking mind, truth and lies are blurred and I'm not sure which category my thoughts fall into. Its better if I don't speak them, I am afraid it will make them true--or false. And sometimes neither option is what I really want. Such are these waking thoughts, neither good or bad, but they cannot be uttered, even acknowledging them is dangerous. Its a secret that I want desperately to tell, but no-one to find out.
the thoughts play over and over until my mind is aware and I can force myself to think of something else, although often I don't feel I really can.
Then I quietly remember that nobody else can hear my thoughts, I take a deep breath, and slowly exhale and now I am awake and the thoughts are far away, and maybe its better that way. I'm not sure that they don't make me a monster.

makes me wish i was in a place of no haze no lights and no trees

2005-07-23T01:27:00.000-05:00

Hey all CHECK THIS OUT

2005-07-10T23:32:00.000-05:00

2005-07-10T23:30:00.001-05:00

2005-07-10T23:30:00.000-05:00

Vote for Summer

2005-07-05T08:41:00.000-05:00

I think as I get older time goes by faster. It seems to go slower if you are waiting for something BIG. There is something to be said for the anticipation of an event.
When I was a kid, all year we longed for summertime, and it took forever to get there. Once it got there it passed quickly, but the rest of the year seemed like forever.
Now summer has no meaning for me, its just another season, there is no extended holiday, no carefree kickball games. Its the same old day in day out-go to work, sleep, etc.
Its hard to believe its already July. Its hard to believe I have been at my job for 7 months now. In the same place for 9 months, that's got to be a record for my adult life.
So I am feeling a little cramped, the wanderlust is kicking in. The resistance to aging and becoming my parents is at full throttle, but I'm just spinning my tires. I feel like I need to do something quickly.
Of course this may be because things at work aren't going so well these days. I'm not enjoying it as much anymore. Not to say that one will always love their job, and that there wont be hard times and moments of struggle. I just wish that this feeling would have waited until the winter to come.
Summer is a magical time that way. It makes people do crazy things. Maybe its the heat or maybe the long days. Maybe its something so ingrained in us since childhood, that summertime equals adventure time, and I wonder now that there is such a horrible thing as year round schooling, what will the future generations think about summertime.
Summertime is about new adventures, picking berries right from the bushes, catching fireflies, and breathing in your surroundings and maybe a mosquito or two. I dunno why the world seems to be less fascinating as we get older. But I say lets put a stop to it.

2005-07-04T23:21:00.001-05:00

2005-07-04T23:21:00.000-05:00

2005-07-04T23:20:00.000-05:00

The one armed Barista

2005-06-24T13:00:00.000-05:00

So rumor has it that New Zealand is a great place to go surfing. Since I have never been surfing or to New Zealand I really have no clue if this is accurate. However there has been discussion recently of me doing both.
Yesterday I was thinking what would happen if I went surfing and I didn't drown, but what if a shark attacked me? I thought of that girl that got attacked by the shark while surfing and lost her arm. I thought what if that's me. What if I lose an arm.
I was discussing this at work with my fellow coworkers and the idea of the one armed barista came to mind. With a few modifications I think I could actually do my job better with only one arm. Like putting foot handles on the fridges, not only would that be a great idea for arm challenged people but I would love it now. How many times do I have 4 jugs of milk in my hands and I cant open the refrigerator?
So I was practicing yesterday making drinks with one hand, I figure I shouldn't have to practice much if I lose my left arm because my right arm is dominant, so I should practice using my left arm just in case. If I lost both arms well I guess I would have to make drinks with my feet, some people might not like that too much, but it would bring curious people in.
This whole thought is kinda crazy because its not really out of fear of losing an arm but how fascinating it would be to try and learn how to do everything without an arm, just in case. When I was a kid I always thought I would go blind, probably from watching Mary go blind on "Little House on the Prairie." So I would walk around my house with my eyes closed, so when I did go blind life would carry on like normal. I got really good at it and sometimes now I find me going about my day with my eyes closed. It limits the sensory stimulation, which in our over stimulated generation--is kinda nice.
And if I ever lose an arm, I think i'll be alright, and I could get one of those cool knobby things for the steering wheel of my car!

2005-06-24T12:44:00.000-05:00

touch me so i know im real
hold me so i wont run away
whisper to me so i remember to laugh
love me so i wont forget

2005-06-24T12:40:00.001-05:00

2005-06-24T12:40:00.000-05:00

2005-06-23T22:22:00.000-05:00

Don't Panic

2005-06-04T12:25:00.000-05:00

I had a bunch of ants crawling on me and biting me yesterday, I haven't come to any conclusion about a deeper meaning and how I can use it as a metaphor. They bite and they hurt but can you blame them, I stepped on their house. Now they are in my car, I am hoping they will just eat all the crumbs and then die and I can vacuum them up. That's the idea for now. Maybe I will do some research on them and be able to come up with something. I think most things we encounter can teach us something valuable other than the obvious -don't step on a pile of ants.

Graduations

2005-06-04T12:18:00.000-05:00

Its hard to believe it was 6 years ago to the day that I graduated. It some aspects it seems like only yesterday but in other areas it seems like an eternity ago.
Its interesting to think back at how different life was then. And how much the same I still am. I am still that kid seeking adventure not knowing the next turn in the road. But I am older and wiser( I hope) and know that there will be turns in the road and that not everything will go smoothly.
Gone are the days of no worries and no responsibilities, but the new days are here. Just as fresh and exciting as they always have been. New horizons new relationships. There are new things to think about, new dreams to have. I am learning that circumstances aren't really good or bad, sometimes they just are.
I am looking forward to moving and having friends come to visit. I'm looking forward to turning older, just so I can have a party, gives me an excuse to have company come over.
I don't think I will ever grow up according to society's expectations, but who cares about them!

Big Business and the little guy

2005-06-04T12:10:00.000-05:00

Sunday I decided to wander around with my friend Rebecca, wandering is a favorite pastime of mine, and the weather was nice enough so it was a lot of fun. We made our way to downtown. A small downtown only 2 streets wide and 3 blocks long. Most businesses there dont have a prayer. why go to them when you can get more variety and lower prices at some big chain store. Most things last less than a year in downtown.
I was suprised to see a new coffee shop. its been a while since i actually explored down town, Im guilty of finding more selection and lower prices as well. its hard to not fall into this, because most people live on a budget. I stepped into this coffee shop, it was amazing. They had a local artists work on the walls and you could buy it if you wanted to. The furniture was ecclectic looking like it had come from a thrift store, there was no uniform or dress code of the workers. the music was great and they had games and books. It was everything starbucks isnt.
It had a personality of its own. The drinks might taste different everytime you go, the music might be different everytime you are there. But i appreciated inconsistency, it adds variation. You can fully appreciate the sun if you know the rain. No corporate business partners telling you what music to play and how to set up the displays. not the selection of coffees to purchase.
Its nice to step out of the corporate world for a couple hours on a sunday and enjoy a nice cup of coffee. i will be going back. as long as they are open, which i imagine wont be much more than a year, but my voice will speak out against corporations, it may only be the whisper of one, but it will be there still.
What if we all just did things that paid the bills and gave us enough money to get by, and didnt concern ourselves with getting more and bigger..would it be that bad?

2005-05-26T22:26:00.000-05:00

It didn't take long before the words turned to arguing. She simply stated her point matter of factly, he retorted. The tension grew. Back and forth tearing into each other, taking the words of a friend and using it against each other. She was right, she thought, He was wrong. She was wrong, he was sure of it. Tempers flaring, refusing to listen. It sounded ridiculous. She was speaking frantically now, and he was raising his voice echoing the same line, too frantic to listen to loud to hear. Two different voices saying the same thing in their own way, neither listening to realize it was the same thought. Each trying to get in the last word all talking at once in a hurried way, so much like us...Only at the point when they were speaking so fast they spoke in unison did they realize they were saying the same thing. The piano piped in with an "I-told-you-so" comment and they glared together with their tongues out in spite.

What if "THE FORCE" was used to tickle people into submission rather than choking them?

2005-05-26T22:24:00.000-05:00

2005-05-19T23:15:00.000-05:00

2005-05-19T23:12:00.000-05:00

2005-05-19T23:07:00.002-05:00

2005-05-19T23:07:00.001-05:00

2005-05-19T23:07:00.000-05:00

I HAVE BUGS IN MY FREEZER!

2005-05-11T23:38:00.000-05:00

To some this may sound like a strange thing, but to those who know me well, its just another weird thing I do. I left the porch light on tonight so as to attract some prime specimens. When I got home I had a porch full of beetles and moths, I put two beetles in an old koolwhip container the kind we use for our leftovers and put it in the freezer. I was contemplating whether I should mark on the top what's inside. If I label the container "BUGS" mom will for sure find it gross and throw them away. However if I do not label the container it may be mistaken for leftovers. Although bugs can be an excellent source of protein I don't recommend eating them unless you boil them or roast them. Mom's not too into the whole eating bugs. I figure that won't be a huge concern since neither mom or dad are big fans of leftovers. But I labeled the container for my own benefit, so I can easily find them when I need them. You never know when you will need a frozen dead bug!

The "age" of conformity

2005-05-07T23:17:00.000-05:00

A friend told me today that I should grow up. I guess I will forgive her because 1) she's my friend, and 2) it was said in ignorance.
I'd like to know what is this growing up business and why it is so imperative that I do it? Maybe I will be non-conformist and not grow up. Or maybe I have been grown up for a long time, or maybe nobody ever really grows up and anyone who thinks they are grown up is stuck in a sad delusion. I mean delusions where you have fun are one thing but why pick something boring like growing up?

Tick tick Tick

2005-05-02T10:42:00.000-05:00

Some may think this is about my walk in the woods last week, and the "hitchhikers" I had on me when I returned. However its not.
tick tick tick is the sound of the clock. I used to have several clocks in my room, the non plug in kind that ticked. Everyone else found the ticking annoying. But I liked it. However, the tick reminds us of passing time.
A friend of mine just had a birthday. I am not good with remembering birthdays and the only reason I could remember his was because it was 2 months before mine. So as he turned older(which we do everyday--its not like you age a year in one day) it just reminded me that very soon my birthday will come around. I am not sure whether to be excited or apprehensive. Not that this year is a big milestone, but it seems like it is for me, and I am not sure why.
Maybe because it seems other people my age are getting on with their lives, they are getting married or having kids or going back to school for more education, and me well I am still at home working my job, and I guess that's getting on with my life as well. And I am not trying to complain that I don't have all that stuff going on in my life, I just always thought by this point in my life I would be somewhere different.
Maybe the lack of a serious relationship, the lack of a degree, the lack of permanent residence are all contributing to this feeling. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up and that's scary since technically speaking I should be grown up. I don't have anyone that wants to be in a relationship that is more than just friends, and honestly I am getting tired of just being friends and only that. It makes me feel unwanted. I feel incredibly empty and broken and with nothing to offer to anyone.
I know that maybe I am being self-centered. I always get depressed when I think of myself. Reflection isn't always a bad thing. Maybe it is time to reassess my priorities and redefine my expectations. I don't think I am in a bad spot in my life, just different than I had always thought. I realize there is so much more going on around me, that these things seem kinda piddly in comparison. But this is where I am, and how I feel in case anyone wanted to know.

She is a flower...

2005-05-01T13:24:00.000-05:00

Not a rose, for a rose is fragile, she has no thorns about her.
She perseveres, she flourishes in spite of her conditions, and seems to add colour to places that need it most.
each day lifting her head to the see the sun, or to welcome the rain.
she has a beauty of her own, few appreciate it, but those who do can see it clearly in all of its strength and power.
she is the first to shine and the last to fade.
She's wild and free, often leading her to places where people do not appreciate her.
dandelion will be her name.

2005-04-30T12:54:00.000-05:00

Sorrow poured over my heart like a summer rain.
Each drop leaving a mark on the parched soil.
The smell of dust arising in the air
reminding me from that which I came,
knowing that this must take place.
Knowing that the storm is fleeting but still cools the summer heat.
That which i must endure the falling and dying of autumn, the sleepy sweet solitude of winter,
'fore I will see the life that flows from the rain.