sacrifice, selfishness, sightlessness

This week the denomination of the church I attend made some major decisions concerning a debt and the properties that are owned by the denomination.  Slowly information is being leaked out through various means, but the scope of what is involved has not fully surfaced.  There will be congregations that will have buildings sold, buildings they worship in, buildings their families helped build, buildings they got married in or baptized their children in...buildings.

I also know of some land that is being sold, mainly because my little garden plot with my wee little cabbages is on the auction block.  Not my specific plot--I am not sure who would want the weeds and all that cabbage, but the entire garden and adjoining tennis courts.  This is used for a "community" space.  I use community in quotations because of an incident shortly after I became a member of the garden.  A homeless man had been let into the garden by someone who left the gate open when they went to play tennis, he was later evicted from the garden and we all got a swift email about problem people in the garden.  Not a very nice welcome, especially since that man was the nicest person I met at the garden and I carried on a long conversation with him that afternoon about brussels sprouts and the value of bricks in the garden for adding warmth to the still cool winter soil.  He is like the people I work with everyday, the people that are family to me, many of them recovering addicts or those with severe mental illness, they have a way about them that can be very distinctive, this fellow had whatever "that" is.  My heart broke.

I also have been seeing a lot of people posting "fugitive of the week" type statuses on their social media accounts.  Seemingly trying to protect their friends and family from whatever murder, child abductor, sexual predator or whatever is on the loose again.  It's usually accompanied by some rant about "lets keep these monsters locked up" or "I can't believe they would let people like him/her out on the streets"  I have a couple of problems with this.  1.  If we were honest with each other, we are all monsters, and "people like them" are oddly the same as "people like us".  2.  Security/safety is an illusion.  3.  I would love to see the statistics of people that these things have helped compared to the people it has hurt.  Especially in instances of "alleged" crimes that later turn out to be false, yet when this stories makes the rounds on the internet again next year, they might lose their job, or be threatened physically or had the cops called on them for no reason.  In cases where someone did actually commit a crime, know the context and the charges.  It's so much easier to just hit send/share rather that digging to find out the real story.  You can't trust media.

And maybe about now you are wondering how all these things relate, besides just being thoughts running through my brain.  So let me cut to the chase.  THERE IS NO "US" and "THEM". 
What I mean is that the churches debt is our debt, the sale of the buildings affects us all, its sad, its discouraging, its disheartening.  It is taking away what makes us feel safe.  We can point fingers and blame other people and we can make ourselves feel righteous because obviously we do church better if they don't take away our building.  We can take pride in the structure we have built and wipe the sweat from our stressed brow because "phew, we made it through this cut. "  We can rationalize and hypothesize until we are blue in the face about the reasons some were chosen and others weren't.  It is not helpful.

The garden gets me too.  I am still miffed about the "community" space.  I was really hoping it was going to be something great, where people were welcomed, and I can honestly say I don't know the whole story, but I also don't like locks on gates and threats of calling the cops because someone is in the garden.  Someone who was not like "us."  I don't know who they are basing their "us" and "them" theory on, but this guy was a lot like me.

I am also a wee bit over the drama that ensued on my email today about ideas to "Save the Garden."  It is my understanding that the property belonged to the church and we aren't paying rent for the land use.  So technically the church can do what it likes, and I hate that something that proclaims the name of Christ can be used to exclude people.  It just doesn't make sense in my book.  If the garden is so important for community then why not have someone donate the use of their yard for the purpose they find so noble?  I would give my yard, and I can say that because I don't actually have a yard, so I don't actually feel the sacrifice of such things.

As far as the offender thing, instead of treating the symptoms, treat the cause.  Are they a sexual predator? Maybe we need to have good long talks about internet pornography, sexting, modesty, proper sexual conduct.  If you are worried about what kind of "monsters" they are letting out, maybe you should start doing some prison ministry so that the grace of God can reach and change people.  If you are concerned over the safety of your children--statistically if something is going to happen to your child, it is going to be by someone they know, you need to get to know the people they know, have real honest conversation about things that are going on, conversations that probably won't happen when you have already passed public judgement on someone who is struggling with a similar issue.  Your kid is more likely to be hurt by your church friend who struggles with pornography than some stranger who happens upon your child.  Statistically a child is more likely to be abducted by a family member than a stranger, unless you are living in a country that is heavy into human sex trafficking, in which case to protect our children and those around the world we should be seeking to stop these things from happening.

There are many many many many many people that have committed these crimes and have experienced the transforming grace of Jesus, they are trying to get on with their lives, to find work to support their families--it may come as news to some, but they have families and are a part of a family.  They just messed up in a different way than you, don't think for a minute they ever have a chance to forget that. 

Often times when these things make the rounds over and over again, after they have served their time, after they have fulfilled all the law demanded of them.  Their very lives are threatened, they have to uproot their families out of fear. 
Maybe you don't have a lot of sympathy for them, maybe you would say, as I once would have--"it's their fault, they brought that on themselves, if they hadn't done what they did, they wouldn't be in this place"  That's a very self righteous attitude to have. 

I mean, isn't that the whole deal anyway, when we get caught up in sin, we are rarely thinking about the long term affects.  If we had been in their shoes would we have chosen any different?  That question always leaves me all goose pimply, because I realize given the same things and knowing the depravity that still lives within my own heart, I could have done equal to or worse than them.  By some grace we were just given a different hand of cards.  We still mess us we just happen to do something that isn't judicially recognized as being wrong, other than speeding in our cars and rolling through that stop sign, or else we don't get caught. 

Pressing the share button is so much easier than loving our enemies or even loving our neighbours.  It has an air of self righteousness and it makes us feel safe.  It helps us sleep at night knowing we are not that kind of "sicko."  But it does little to address the problem at hand.  Does it make me feel better knowing that it happened to someone else and not to me?  When I examine my heart, that's the darkness I see.  I am willing to make changes to my world, to give up my time, energy, and finances to see others truly in need?

Am I willing to sacrifice my ideals of buildings and what church should be like, for real life changing faith? Am I willing to sacrifice my boundaries and personal space to be in real community with real people that will be messy?  Am I willing to sacrifice my false ideas about who I am, to be who God wants me to be?  Am I willing to sacrifice my ideas of justice and righteousness in favour of a system that gives grace and mercy? 

I understand the disappointment, disillusionment, discouragement when everything we have worked towards and hoped for has turned out contrary to our vision, we feel like we got the raw end of the deal, and things are being taken from us. But maybe, perhaps it's an opportunity like one we have never seen before, that will bring us what we have always needed in a way we couldn't have gotten to otherwise.

Washing, washing, washing because I'll never be clean

I am not sure what you think about when you are washing the dishes, but for me its a great time of contemplation. Since I can remember I spent hours washing dishes (usually because I was lazy and was either going really slow or i had "invented" a new way to wash the dishes which would make things easier) I think in the past it was a time to dwell on the unfortunate nature of it being my turn to do dishes, now it's perhaps a time to just dwell on the unfortunate nature of what we go through often.

This past reminder makes me giggle a bit, but it also helps me remember that there is a past to every story. I won't go into the details of my past or that of my family much, but just understand that there are things of regret, frustration, hope and peace all intermingled together.

Today as I was washing the bowls from last night's pea soup, or even earlier as I was hanging up the washing on the clothesline, I couldn't help but think about the emptiness and loneliness I feel in the mundane. I keep thinking I should call my family, but I don't have the motivation to reach out. I talk to my sister online occasionally and she tells me that Mom has asked about me. I guess Mom isn't concerned enough about me to actually make a phone call herself and I feel like that's the situation of every person in my life. But who do you have when you don't have the energy to reach out to anyone?

Facebook is a way I keep in touch with my family, but I don't know if I have posted anything of myself in a month. Too much drama there--way too much. Too much comparing and complaining. It helps us to take sides and to forget about that little detail I mentioned earlier about everyone having a past, but also it limits people's ability to see beyond, that every person has a future as well. I am guilty of comparing and I have done it for years, I remember when I was younger and single and wishing I had somebody as I glanced at all the pictures from my friends happy weddings, and even now when I look at so and so pregnant again, as we struggle with PCOS and infertility. We try to comfort ourselves with platitudes of gladness and by comparing ourselves to some poor couple that has children and is really struggling, but inside we are angry because if they can have a family--in what we judge to be a bad situation(again not knowing the full story)--why can't we? I think of the bills that are coming due and the fact that my husband is out of work right now, and I wonder if it really is a good time to have a child. I wonder if I would get the Mother-in-law tick of approval on our decision to try. I wonder if it will even be possible, as I lay in bed in pain this morning because of the cysts on my ovaries and the fact I haven't ovulated at all this cycle and here it is day 56 twice the "normal" cycle.

But as I stood hanging up the laundry and doing the dishes, a deeper sadness came to me. The realization that I have nobody to share these trials with here. It's been long enough so I figure I can finally talk about some of these things. Talk about how some of the ways it's been too hard. I moved to Australia 2 and a half years ago. I attended a church with my soon to be husband, and before I ever got there we were outcasts. We were treated differently than everyone else at the church and singled out on many occasions. In a time when I needed to form crucial friendships and establish support--I had few. Something that was said to my husband on our wedding day was the straw that broke the camels back. So we looked elsewhere for a church.

We quickly found a new one, one that seemed open and supportive and encouraging. We finally felt we were able to be servants in a way God wanted us to serve. But once again our past failures were made to control our future. Slowly we were pushed out of our ministry positions and it became impossible to jump through all their hoops. We made the decision after 8 months to leave that congregation too. With that leaving close to 100 connections and possible friendships, it was so hard in fact we made the decision to pretty much cut all of those connections. Here I was in my first year of marriage, in a foreign country, without family, without full time employment and no government benefits on my own.(I had my husband, but we are one.) We have for a year now attended another church in our local community, but I rarely go. It's hard to trust anyone anymore.

When I had coffee last September with one of the few people we remained connected to at the previous church, she said I looked tired and that all the joy and bubblyness was gone from me. I think it was the truth that I had been avoiding. The pain and isolation was unbearable, meanwhile back in the states my family was going through a crisis, and I couldn't be there. Trapped. I love living here, I like the weather, I like the public transport, I like the lifestyle-mostly, but my heart just craved what I gave up to be here--my family, my friends, my house, my support base, my church.

Going back this march to those friends and that church and that family, showed me that I can't live there. My life, my worldview has shifted so much, I don't fit. While it is great to go back and visit, this is my home. There is great sadness in that as well. Because I grieve, because I have no place on earth. I guess that's what the bible talks about when we store up our treasures in heaven. But we were never meant to go it alone. I don't know why God chose this path for us to walk. Most days I don't even know what I am doing. At least doing dishes and washing accomplished something instead of feeling like how I imagine the children of Israel feeling as they wandered the wilderness. This is my wilderness. But I am mad, mad at the way the body of Christ has treated us. mad that when I desperately needed to build support and friendships that we were isolated and controlled by the church, not out of love for us, but the false sense of protection they think they need. They desperately wanted to protect the church from redeemed sinners, because that's the most powerful gospel there is. I don't really understand their motivations for what they did, and I don't lose sleep over it any more. But I miss the friends and support. I guess I need to keep seeing them like God sees and forgive and to love and to think that each of these people have a past and a future too, but when you are alone and there seems to be so little help, and fellowship and love it really limits how much you can reach out. so this is where I am.

Do you remember the story in Acts? You know the one where the sheet came down with all the "unclean" animals in a vision that Peter had and he was told to Kill and eat, but he didn't want to because he had always followed the clean/unclean rules of Leviticus? But really it was a symbol of going to the Gentiles. I think this sums up my issue with the church as I have mentioned in this post. Acts 10:15 "But the voice spoke again: “Do not call something unclean if God has made it clean.”(NLT) I guess in this way when I am washing dishes and hanging out laundry I am reminded of this truth that God spoke to Peter. In a sense when I am cleaning, it is a reminder of God's work in cleaning my own life. I guess that's why it brings all this stuff to mind. I wish that I could see beyond myself and see that God has cleaned others in this way too.

I think that's what church is supposed to be about. It's not music or fancy preaching or meeting up with your buddies, all those things can be good things. I think that we are so broken because we have brought our pasts and the redemption that happened to the church in honesty and they have treated us like outcasts. But God has made us clean, and now between the mistrust and the constant comparison and the teaching of morality over salvation, we collectively as the body of Christ have forgotten what it was like to bring nothing and let Jesus be our everything. If our righteousness is filthy rags, then what do we have before Christ?

I haven't written much about this publicly, because it was just too hard. I also don't want others to be too discouraged by the church, and the ministry that they have. It's not perfect, because it's full of people that aren't perfect. If this was just an isolated incident, I would just chalk it up to the leadership at a given church, but I have seen it time and again at a variety of churches all over the world, we are missing out on something BIG. I know the inclination is to think "it's not my church" I used to think like that too, until it was me that the church was coming after with such hatred. It's easy to think that "it's not that bad" or that stuff like this doesn't happen, but I would challenge you to look for the trodden down and broken-hearted, to look at the community your church is located and see how your church reflects Christ to them.

Anyway, I have dishes to wash.

Dear Mrs. Williams*

I know it has been quite some time since I have seen you or helped you. I was that teller at the bank that you told off for asking for your ID the first week on the job. When I wouldn't help you, you went to my manager and told her I was racist. I just want you to know I am not. I also want you to know that you can't play the "race card" because you are throwing a fit when you don't get your way. We are all adults here, start acting like one. Being any colour doesn't give you any more right to courtesy and respect than anyone else. Furthermore I don't care if you are black, white, yellow, orange, green, purple or blue, whether you are gay, straight, bi, transgender, Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Atheist, or whatever else you may or may not be, one thing we have in common is that we are human beings. Racism is just one form of discrimination/hate. Racism is judging someone by the colour of their skin, along with this it should be noted that judging how my interaction with you is going to go based on the colour of my skin is equally as racist. As much as this repulses me that you act this way, and as much as I wish on some technicality I could not give you what you wanted, I continued to serve you and act as if I were the one in the wrong, when in fact I was just doing my job and in no way was infringing upon your rights. What I would also like to point out is the error in your judgement of me, is that you don't know my ethnic history, you don't know if my forefathers fought oppression and strived for equality. In fact you don't even know if I really am "white". You can't see that my grandmother might have been black, or Native American or Hispanic, or Asian. All you see is the colour of my skin. You don't know that I was a minority once too, and all the shit I put up with, because I got spit on, I got slapped, I lost all my friends in Junior High because there was this "back to Africa" movement, and there was a denial of everything associated with "being white" whatever that meant. I'm sorry for the fact that slavery was, and that so many people were forced into it. But I will also remind you that it was Africans that sold Africans to the slave traders, A conflict between clans which still exists in many parts of the world that we would do better to pay mind to. The slave trade is not/was not solely a white vs black issue, as today there are more people all over the world in slavery than there was during the time of the greatest abolition efforts. So I just want you to know that I am happy to serve people because that's my job, but I will not be treated this way by you, or by anyone else. *names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Things that make me sad.

Last week was a sad week. Some things were justifiably sad, some were just random.
On the bus, three drunken youth harassing these indian guys for no other reason than they were indian, and feeling helpless to stop it.
At the mall, I saw a picture of tiger cubs, I used to have one just like it hanging in my house, I don't have it any more and it reminds me of all that I gave up, my brother gave it to me for Christmas.
Dropping off my resume to a mall coffee shop, made me cry. I don't want to work at the mall or at a coffee shop at the mall. I felt like a failure, and they didn't even give me a call back.
Deciding between a job I love and a job with better hours, making the hard decision then having the chosen option fall through.
Finding out that I am not pregnant.
Thinking about the fact I haven't changed my name to my married name yet.
Not being able to go to church because of work.

Our Wedding

Video chat rooms at Ustream

"We’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are."

After what seemed like an eternity, it's happening. In 10 days I will leave the continent I have called home my entire life. That's right, I am gone. While I am very excited for this new adventure, and excited to see my darling Australian, today I am sad.
My brother was in for Thanksgiving this week. Not just my brother but my niece, my sister-in-law and her brother and sister. We had a lot of fun, laughed, hung out.
Last night my brother and I went out for coffee, there is a local coffee shop in town here, but it was after 8 and although they closed at 9, the guy was already mopping the floors, so we decided to just walk and talk around the streets of this small town. About an hour and a half later we headed to Sheetz where I introduced my brother to steamers. When we pulled back in the drive way, he took my hand and prayed with me and told me he loved me. This is what big brothers are supposed to do.
I remember when he first finished college I had just started and coming home for the summer meant visiting him a lot. I remember staying up all hours at his house eating cookie dough and drinking ginger ale. Sometimes we would have a socked feet rubber band war. I remember sitting on the couch quoting lines from calvin and hobbes and we both had read the books so much we merely referenced the page number and we both would laugh all over again.
I remember sitting in the next room while he dialed a girls phone number 20 times, hanging up before it started ringing because he didn't know what to say.
I remember when he was engaged to his wife and we took the craziest road trip ever to surprise my grandpa for Christmas. We drove 13 hours, had dinner and breakfast with grandpa and then drove back, forgoing the steak and shake milkshake in indiana, and then craving one the entire day until we were 30 mins from home and found another steak and shake. We are crazy folk.
Somehow in my whole life, I have always felt the odd one of the bunch, at work, at school and sometimes at home. My brother makes me feel like it's ok to be odd, and being odd is beautiful.
So today we said goodbye, not knowing when we would see each other next. He gave me a hug and started to cry, and I did too. I bequeathed my complete calvin and hobbes collection to his watch care. He will have to call me up and tell me about the joke on page 156...

Emma

Emma is my future sister in law. Shes one of the coolest chicks I know. Right now she's somewhere in Africa--and I am somewhere in Jealousy. She left home the end of July this year and is traveling until she's done. This has always been my dream. She is so brave and I am so proud to become her sister. She started touring some around Europe spending some time in Hostels, and couch surfing, visiting old friends. She got connected with an organization called HelpX. It's pretty similar to things like WWOOFERS (willing workers on organic farms) Providing room and board in exchange for various different jobs and work activities. A really cool way to see the world. This is of course after she finished el Camino de Santiago (the way of St. James) Its like an 800 km pilgrimage across Spain, I think that is flipping awesome.
Last week she sent me a post card of a giant spider sculpture from the Guggenheim museum in Bilbao, y'all know how I love bugs.
Anyhow, I thought a lot about her brave journey, and for her, this is a great time of discovery and personal reflection, A pilgrimage both literally and figuratively. I envy her travels but I do not envy her alone-ness, I respect that she can do but realize I will never be her, and I am me and I prefer cooking dinner with my fiance and reading a good book with him and adventure to me is something that should be shared. I am glad Emma is sharing her adventure with me-- through postcards and photos, it makes me feel like I am there with her, and I am in my thoughts and prayers.

What Did You Have On Your Pizza?

Complications with Andrew not being able to come here, made our proposal a bit unique. Friday night I got home from work, and Andrew and I had planned on Video chatting on skype, he asked my parents over the webcam if he had permission to ask me, Dad's response was "You have permission to pursue her until she catches you."

I suppose I caught him, because he seems to have caught me as well. After a few brief moments and apologies about the space and distance. He said he had a question to ask me,

"Yes!" I replied before he could even ask.

"What did you have on your pizza?"

"Oh, that's not the question I was expecting, um artichoke, peppers, onions, broccoli.."

"Mmm, sounds good. Well that's all I wanted to ask."

However I knew there was more, his smile told me so. He apologized again about the distance, and how he couldn't even do it proper on one knee because he would be out of camera range, then he cleared his throat and looked at me with his beautiful puppy dog eyes and said "Rebekah, will you marry me?" I didn't say yes this time, I paused and with tears in my eyes I said "Absolutely!"

This is the point in the story where the happy couple kisses and embraces, and he puts the ring on her hand, but there was none of that in our story yet. However, that doesn't make it any less memorable or real. I would love to not be on the otherside of the world now, but especially at that moment.

Andrew assures me that I may not know when or how, but I will get a real on the knee proposal one day, he doesn't want me to feel like I am missing out. I can honestly say traditional proposal or not, I am not missing out, and my answer will be the same. Plus it's probably a rare occasion he will be shorter than me.

Constellate

The sun hung out for a little longer today, as a reminder of the coming spring, I see the lengthening of days. When it finally slipped below the horizon, the stars began to appear.I think about that Chris Rice Song, And your Praise Goes on

"The moon is high and the sunset fades
The lullabies have all been sung
We’re tuckin’ in another day
And stars appear now one by one
But the stillness moves and the silence yields
And not a single beat is lost
You can hear the chorus in the fields

Taking up where we left off
And Your praise goes on, rising to Your throne
Where You guard us while we dream
Past the stars they fly, Your praises fill the sky
‘Til You wake us with the dawn
And Your praise goes on"

After my walk, I got home and continued reading in a passage I had open this morning from Colossians 3
"Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits at God's right hand in the place of honor and power. 2 Let heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about things down here on earth. 3 For you died when Christ died, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 And when Christ, who is your real life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.
5 So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual sin, impurity, lust, and shameful desires. Don't be greedy for the good things of this life, for that is idolatry. 6 God's terrible anger will come upon those who do such things. 7 You used to do them when your life was still part of this world. 8 But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. 9 Don't lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old evil nature and all its wicked deeds. 10 In its place you have clothed yourselves with a brand-new nature that is continually being renewed as you learn more and more about Christ, who created this new nature within you. 11 In this new life, it doesn't matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized, slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.
12 Since God chose you to be the holy people whom he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14 And the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are all called to live in peace. And always be thankful.
16 Let the words of Christ, in all their richness, live in your hearts and make you wise. Use his words to teach and counsel each other. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. 17 And whatever you do or say, let it be as a representative of the Lord Jesus, all the while giving thanks through him to God the Father.

I like the first part where it talks about setting our sights on the realities of heaven. I don't think this passage is referring to the stars, but I think the stars are a good place to help us keep perspective, by showing us the power of God, our insignificance, as well as the example of worship. David wrote about the stars in the Psalms on more than one occasion.

When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers-
the moon and the stars you have set in place-
what are mortals that you should think of us,
mere humans that you should care for us? (Psalm 8:3-4)

He counts the stars and calls them all by name.(psalm 147:4)

Praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord from the heavens!
Praise him from the skies!
Praise him, all his angels!
Praise him, all the armies of heaven!
Praise him, sun and moon!
Praise him, all you twinkling stars!
Praise him, skies above!
Praise him, vapors high above the clouds!
Let every created thing give praise to the Lord,
for he issued his command, and they came into being.
He established them forever and forever.
His orders will never be revoked. (Psalm 148:1-6)

I see the stars appear and I am reminded of my insignificance in a giant universe, and I am reminded of the bigness of God that he could call each star by name. Each star is a reminder of a home that is other worldly, not like a martian landscape, but a place where we are free from the dominion of sin, and in the presence of His glorious light. As we prepare for that, we are given clear commands as to what that should look like, and not just physical things, but spiritual things. The act of putting to death certain things and putting off evil, and putting on the holiness of God. So do not focus on earthly things, but Let heaven fill your thoughts, both a physical heaven and a Spiritual one.

In Love.

After the last post, I thought I was done with eharmony. Frankly I was glad my time was over, it was valuable, I learned a lot. Phew. I was perfectly content to be single the rest of my life, I didn't really believe there was anyone out there that I could love that would love me with the same intensity.
Then came AS.
I didn't even see it coming, he happened to reach out in communication with me on a weekend where eharmony had so graciously given me a free weekend(great marketing on their part I might add). I didn't plan it, I didn't even think it would happen, and here we are many months later and I still want to pinch myself. To top it all off we live on different sides of the world.
He's brilliant, funny, kind, thoughtful, a man of God, a man of his word, he's honest and sincere. After all this I believe he could be a troll and I would think him handsome, but he's got beautiful deep kind chocolate eyes, a smile that makes me melt, a mess of unruly hair that I think is positively adorable.
The best of it is, he thinks I am beautiful, and by him thinking that I am becoming that. I am not talking about changing who I am, I am talking about bringing to surface what was already there, my posture is different, my countenance, I feel beautiful because he thinks I am. I feel lovable, because I am loved.
Its strange how that works, the people that mean the most to us, and how they feel about us affects how we feel about ourselves. Although I can't give the credit to AS, the very fact that he met me, loves me, and continues to love me, is by the grace of God. If I had not first understood my position in Christ's love, the beautiful creation he has made me and the grace he has given to redeem me, I wouldn't be in a place to recognize or accept AS's thoughts about me.
Sometimes things with AS seem like a whirlwind, I have never met anyone quite like him before, and his life overflows with the grace of God. Sometimes I feel like this is crazy and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, there is no way I deserve anything this good--and I don't. But I keep coming back to Psalm 84:11 For the LORD God is our light and protector. He gives us grace and glory. No good thing will the LORD withhold from those who do what is right.(NLT) Not only is he looking out and protecting me but its for my good and his glory as I follow him in obedience.
Whatever my future with AS(Mrs. AS!!!!)I can be secure in knowing that I am beloved and beautiful to my God first. He has brought AS into my life for a process of sanctification, and to build my faith in Him. I don't know how the story is going to end, but I can be sure of this, God is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine, and he already has.

By Your Side

The past two months have been an interesting learning experience for me. The beginning of March I decided to join eharmony. I had been contemplating my alone-ness for a while, and thought I might have some valuable gifts to share with the male half of the species. I felt like options for potential dates in my age range had pretty much dried up. I didn’t know how to meet anyone else. Church is always a good place to start, and initially that’s the route I went, but it appeared my options were limited there as well. I had encountered some guys at work, we talked and we flirted, and realizing that we had nothing in common outside of work, those vanished like the rain in the desert.
So I signed up for eharmony. Recently I admitted to being a bit of a Romantic and Traditionalist. This was a hard step for an independent, self-sufficient 28 year old female. My whole life I was told I could do it, and I did. I shunned romance and fluffy things; they were equated with the female stereotypes in popular culture, that couldn’t seem to do anything without a man. Not having a man, I couldn’t have any hint of weakness. It wasn’t until M; he seemed like the perfect fit, won my heart that all these ideas of “thoughtfulness” came to mind. Suddenly I wanted to know things about him; I wanted to send him little gifts in the mail. I had a perfect plan for his birthday, being a photographer I was going to take pictures of the letters to spell “Happy Birthday” from the myriad of businesses and signs around my neighborhood. Then I was going to make them into simple post cards and send them all at the same time. That’s when I knew I had the heart of a romantic. It’s unfortunate that things didn’t work out with me and M, because I really think that was a great idea, but I have no motivation for it now.
One of my first conversations was with J; he was a really nice, funny man. He was honest from the get go about a physical disability he had, I was unsure, and I went through much prayer about it. I felt like I was a pretty horrible person if I couldn’t look past the fact that he was in a wheelchair. That’s when I learned about the shallowness of my heart. At first I tried to look for other things that were red flags about him. We conversated anyway. He taught me about how God can overcome things in our lives and he talked about past sin and the mercy and grace of God. I knew I needed some of that. I knew J wasn’t right for me, but not because of the physical which I thought initially, but there were goals and family differences as well. I thanked him for the chance to get to know him, and ended it because I respected him, and wasn’t going to toy with his heart. This was something I was learning too, something that continues to be hard for me. I didn’t want to put the good guys with the scum I encountered; I needed a separate folder for them called the-just-won’t-work-for-me-but-would-make-an-aweome-for someone-else-file.
That’s where A comes in. A was boring. I kept holding out hope that there was more to A. I asked him questions and he gave me one word answers. He didn’t understand my humor and mostly I ended up feeling bad. Probably why I decided to go ahead and talk to him outside of eharmony. He lived in the same state as I do. I sent him an email telling him that I would be back online later to chat I was going to church, and he sent me an email back asking for a raunchy picture of myself. I told him the inappropriateness of such an inquisition and challenged him with the word of God. He said he was sorry, I said I forgive you but I think you need to work some stuff out. That is where our conversation ended.
Each day I was challenged by more things, one by one my fairytales were breaking down. Little by little the lies I held about myself good and bad were being revealed. It was often overwhelming. It challenged me to be in the word more, to be who I said I was, to strive to be a better person. It went from trying to find the man of my dreams to finding what is God’s best for me, and knowing those things don’t have to be mutually exclusive. I dug in the scriptures more; God became the provider and sustainer of my joy. I wasn’t going to find that in a man. I still felt that God’s plan for my life was marriage, so I continued to do what he asked of me until he chooses to change my desires and move me along. I knew that until the right person came along I had a responsibility to become the woman they needed. I had opportunities to share my faith, and the love of my amazing God with some guys that needed it. I shared scripture and encouraged them to be men of God, even if things would never work out between us. I prayed for them, I prayed for me. I need courage to do the right thing which often meant standing by hard truths, or telling people goodbye. Things I had never done in my past relationships.
The hardest part came about a month ago. M and I had been talking for several weeks, sharing stories about life and love and God. I felt a real connection, I was hopeful for what was to come. Then one day he told me he thinks we should be “just friends.” I didn’t want to be just friends; that is not what I came to eharmony for. I knew that my goal was a husband to start a family with. To complicate the matter I couldn’t get any responses from anyone else on eharmony. While it was great I could devote all my time to M, it wasn’t real. I read an article the week of the “just friends” email. It was about the possibility of “just friends.” I had played that game before, and I always had a hope in my heart that it would be more than just friends, what girl doesn’t want to marry their best friend. We are relational like that, but I knew he didn’t see me that way and I chose to not talk to him anymore. I didn’t just leave him hanging I explained all this and I think he understood. Even after his last email, I felt I wanted to say more, but I didn’t. I had prayed specifically about him for weeks. I was so excited, I was so hopeful. I was so ready not to spend another $50 on eharmony. I gave him to God, and God said this isn’t who I want for you.
To me this was as close to real as I have ever gotten. Some of my friends didn’t think it was a big deal. These were people in committed relationships, had they forgotten what it was like to feel the nervousness of a new relationship and the hurt when it ends. To wait your whole life for something that didn’t work out? My heart was sad, but I felt good about it. Because I had chosen to do what was right over what would feel good. Did I want to still talk to M?—Yes. Did I want to be friends?—Yes and more. This was a huge step for me.
When it came time to renew my membership I chose not to. I had mixed feelings about it, I am terribly curious, and I wanted to see where it would go. Ultimately finances spoke louder than curiosity, and I needed a break to process the things God had been teaching me. I am not the same as I was, and for that I am thankful. One day I will be the woman that God wants me to be, and each day I get a little closer.
This song by Tenth Avenue North called “By Your Side” has really convicted and encouraged me in this time. Check it out here…

By Your Side