internal

Leaving was as hard as staying.
Not wanting to stay and not wanting to leave
Wanting to be home but never to arrive there
You’ll be ok if you never leave the airplane.
Stop crying! Why indulge that obnoxious method.
You don’t even know why you’re crying
Your tears of joy and sadness carry the same authority
Incomprehension precedes you like calm before a storm
The paradox, caught between two worlds
Can you choose betwixt the two?
What if the place you want to be is the hardest one to get to?
Do you choose what is easy?
What if it’s just a case of greener grass?
You can rationalize both points, but that doesn’t make either right.
The battle inside ensues.
When will the civil war end and when was war ever civil?
Why can’t you make a decision? Just cast a ballot, information will only confuse you; in the end does it even matter?

Grace

Yesterday, i helped a good friend bury his dad. I never thought about the fact that this is what we must face, in our lives. Somewhere in my mind I thought it would be different, maybe the media has numbed my spirit to death. It just doesn't seem right in my human mind to at this age lay to rest a father or a mother. I catch myself saying "it's not fair God, he lived for you and you took him away," but this is my flesh speaking, the grace and the faith that i trust in tells me a different story, It's not fair God that you would choose any of us to receive your grace, but you have and we've been faithful and you will call us home one day as well, I am right it's not fair, its grace.
God in his mercy decided becka needed to witness this grace in another way, i saw grace written on the lives of a church full of people, who worshipped together, the grace and peace that comes only through the knowledge of Christ. Yesterday was hard, my mind is spinning from the things that i observed. But in the complexity once again there is grace, knowing that God has granted us the ability to feel, that we aren't just robots, Knowing also that God understands the pain, loss and sadness, yet he rejoices with his children when one makes it home, we rejoice too, and worship.
There was a point at the funeral yesterday when i was crying, it wasn't out of sadness but being overwhelmed by the grace and mercy of our amazing God, who is sovereignly in control of things, and truly just leaving it all in his hands. I had some amazing time with God yesterday as his children gathered together and worshipped and the angels gathered around the throne in heaven to welcome home Lyle Smith.