For the past 3 years I've really tried to love this place. I don't think its working out. I thought maybe i need a different job, three jobs later or maybe four and its not any different. I thought maybe i needed to get to know more people, I know more and the more i am let down by them. I thought maybe i needed to change my living arrangements and after a room, then an apartment, and now a house, I'm still just as alone. I know God should be enough, i just can't figure out why he's not.
I don't really know what to say. I've never wanted to leave a place so bad in my life, yet I'm stuck, i have no employable skills or education, I'm no closer to knowing where i am supposed to be or what I'm supposed to be doing than when i left school 5 years ago. I have a job that pays me the least it can for the most amount of work and i just am exhausted.
i feel like i have some kind of horrible disease that everyone thinks I'm contagious, I'm tired of initiating contact, I'm tired of making an effort to try and have a friend. Now i feel inept and slightly stalkerish, i forgot how good a hug from a friend feels cuz i haven't had one in ages. Pretty much I'm in an untouchable category, why is it that the church wont touch a single young woman, i get a hug about once a month when i see my mom and dad, usually for lunch on a Sunday afternoon or dinner on a Friday night. Usually i am the one having to drive out to see them. I love my parents and i am glad that i see them as often as i can, i just wish they would come see me too.
The time alone has been good, Ive been getting so much from scripture, and my prayer time has just been so rich, but when I'm done reading and when i say amen, I am still alone. I know all the cliche responses because every time i am vulnerable to someone at church about how I just wish someone else was there. "God is enough..."He's always with you..." YES, i know that, and I'd be in a way worse state if i didn't understand that. My point is, since when has the eye been able to walk and the ear been able to smell and since when was a part considered the whole. Since when are we supposed to go it alone and live totally independent of each other?
I get all kind of praise for all the stuff i do with the church, with the youth and the praise team and this and that and what would they do without me. while it is nice to feel needed, I'm not in it for the praise, I'm not in it for the feel good factor, i am doing it because that is what God has asked me to. As much as they need me in these things, i need them in my life, yet day in day out they don't even know where i work or what i do or where i live, they don't know any of my testimony, they don't know i even have family. I just need some help and i just need someone to care, and sometimes i just need a hug.