By Your Side

The past two months have been an interesting learning experience for me. The beginning of March I decided to join eharmony. I had been contemplating my alone-ness for a while, and thought I might have some valuable gifts to share with the male half of the species. I felt like options for potential dates in my age range had pretty much dried up. I didn’t know how to meet anyone else. Church is always a good place to start, and initially that’s the route I went, but it appeared my options were limited there as well. I had encountered some guys at work, we talked and we flirted, and realizing that we had nothing in common outside of work, those vanished like the rain in the desert.
So I signed up for eharmony. Recently I admitted to being a bit of a Romantic and Traditionalist. This was a hard step for an independent, self-sufficient 28 year old female. My whole life I was told I could do it, and I did. I shunned romance and fluffy things; they were equated with the female stereotypes in popular culture, that couldn’t seem to do anything without a man. Not having a man, I couldn’t have any hint of weakness. It wasn’t until M; he seemed like the perfect fit, won my heart that all these ideas of “thoughtfulness” came to mind. Suddenly I wanted to know things about him; I wanted to send him little gifts in the mail. I had a perfect plan for his birthday, being a photographer I was going to take pictures of the letters to spell “Happy Birthday” from the myriad of businesses and signs around my neighborhood. Then I was going to make them into simple post cards and send them all at the same time. That’s when I knew I had the heart of a romantic. It’s unfortunate that things didn’t work out with me and M, because I really think that was a great idea, but I have no motivation for it now.
One of my first conversations was with J; he was a really nice, funny man. He was honest from the get go about a physical disability he had, I was unsure, and I went through much prayer about it. I felt like I was a pretty horrible person if I couldn’t look past the fact that he was in a wheelchair. That’s when I learned about the shallowness of my heart. At first I tried to look for other things that were red flags about him. We conversated anyway. He taught me about how God can overcome things in our lives and he talked about past sin and the mercy and grace of God. I knew I needed some of that. I knew J wasn’t right for me, but not because of the physical which I thought initially, but there were goals and family differences as well. I thanked him for the chance to get to know him, and ended it because I respected him, and wasn’t going to toy with his heart. This was something I was learning too, something that continues to be hard for me. I didn’t want to put the good guys with the scum I encountered; I needed a separate folder for them called the-just-won’t-work-for-me-but-would-make-an-aweome-for someone-else-file.
That’s where A comes in. A was boring. I kept holding out hope that there was more to A. I asked him questions and he gave me one word answers. He didn’t understand my humor and mostly I ended up feeling bad. Probably why I decided to go ahead and talk to him outside of eharmony. He lived in the same state as I do. I sent him an email telling him that I would be back online later to chat I was going to church, and he sent me an email back asking for a raunchy picture of myself. I told him the inappropriateness of such an inquisition and challenged him with the word of God. He said he was sorry, I said I forgive you but I think you need to work some stuff out. That is where our conversation ended.
Each day I was challenged by more things, one by one my fairytales were breaking down. Little by little the lies I held about myself good and bad were being revealed. It was often overwhelming. It challenged me to be in the word more, to be who I said I was, to strive to be a better person. It went from trying to find the man of my dreams to finding what is God’s best for me, and knowing those things don’t have to be mutually exclusive. I dug in the scriptures more; God became the provider and sustainer of my joy. I wasn’t going to find that in a man. I still felt that God’s plan for my life was marriage, so I continued to do what he asked of me until he chooses to change my desires and move me along. I knew that until the right person came along I had a responsibility to become the woman they needed. I had opportunities to share my faith, and the love of my amazing God with some guys that needed it. I shared scripture and encouraged them to be men of God, even if things would never work out between us. I prayed for them, I prayed for me. I need courage to do the right thing which often meant standing by hard truths, or telling people goodbye. Things I had never done in my past relationships.
The hardest part came about a month ago. M and I had been talking for several weeks, sharing stories about life and love and God. I felt a real connection, I was hopeful for what was to come. Then one day he told me he thinks we should be “just friends.” I didn’t want to be just friends; that is not what I came to eharmony for. I knew that my goal was a husband to start a family with. To complicate the matter I couldn’t get any responses from anyone else on eharmony. While it was great I could devote all my time to M, it wasn’t real. I read an article the week of the “just friends” email. It was about the possibility of “just friends.” I had played that game before, and I always had a hope in my heart that it would be more than just friends, what girl doesn’t want to marry their best friend. We are relational like that, but I knew he didn’t see me that way and I chose to not talk to him anymore. I didn’t just leave him hanging I explained all this and I think he understood. Even after his last email, I felt I wanted to say more, but I didn’t. I had prayed specifically about him for weeks. I was so excited, I was so hopeful. I was so ready not to spend another $50 on eharmony. I gave him to God, and God said this isn’t who I want for you.
To me this was as close to real as I have ever gotten. Some of my friends didn’t think it was a big deal. These were people in committed relationships, had they forgotten what it was like to feel the nervousness of a new relationship and the hurt when it ends. To wait your whole life for something that didn’t work out? My heart was sad, but I felt good about it. Because I had chosen to do what was right over what would feel good. Did I want to still talk to M?—Yes. Did I want to be friends?—Yes and more. This was a huge step for me.
When it came time to renew my membership I chose not to. I had mixed feelings about it, I am terribly curious, and I wanted to see where it would go. Ultimately finances spoke louder than curiosity, and I needed a break to process the things God had been teaching me. I am not the same as I was, and for that I am thankful. One day I will be the woman that God wants me to be, and each day I get a little closer.
This song by Tenth Avenue North called “By Your Side” has really convicted and encouraged me in this time. Check it out here…

By Your Side