Nyquil kicking in
Well I just took the last shot of cough syrup for the night. Before it's evil effects start taking over my weakened body I thought I would Blog. I wanted to talk about the cough syrup, how it makes you feel disconnected and just generally tired and numb, you can't process thoughts or ideas. I guess that disconnection is all too common in today's society, and it's not drug induced, but rather people induced.
Sometimes I feel like nobody knows me, and when I look further into the matter I see a complex system of friendships and relationships, and through different experiences these relationships have made me who I am, they have conditioned my responses to life's everyday scenarios.
Control is a big issue. Do I feel in control, am I in control? How do I control myself, my relationships, my friends, my family? Sometimes not revealing ourselves to others is the only way we have control over a seemingly uncontrollable existence. After all, to quote one of my favorite movies "Control is an illusion.."(Days of Thunder) that's the reality, but sometimes our world feels so out of control to regain our sense of self and who we are, we close off to every person that has ever cared about us.
There is also the pain of vulnerability. It's hard to trust people, they will let you down, I will let you down. We all make mistakes, we all do hurtful things. And its because of this that we don't want to let anyone in, every time we open up we get hurt. Nobody likes that feeling.
Then there is the unknown factor, how can we show anyone who we are if we have no clue who that is. Not only can we not show them because we don't know who we are, but we can't show them because we don't know how. That's a very scary place to be. Who am I, Who do I want to be?, what if I don't like me, what if you don't like me? These are questions we answer everyday in every relationship we encounter, whether its conscious or unconscious.
The best I can say is that I am trying and learning and figuring things out. It's a process of growth and change. None of us were ever meant to go it alone, we were designed for fellowship with each other and with our Creator. I can't take away the pain of the past, but the future is now, and we can choose to be different, and we can be different by God's grace. So I want to be the best friend that I can be, and sometimes that means a little more pain, a little more hurt, but its the opposing extremes that make it all worth it, the love the mercy,& the grace. Don't become like I am becoming with the cough syrup--numb and disconnected! For the man who can feel no pain can feel no joy.
Sometimes I feel like nobody knows me, and when I look further into the matter I see a complex system of friendships and relationships, and through different experiences these relationships have made me who I am, they have conditioned my responses to life's everyday scenarios.
Control is a big issue. Do I feel in control, am I in control? How do I control myself, my relationships, my friends, my family? Sometimes not revealing ourselves to others is the only way we have control over a seemingly uncontrollable existence. After all, to quote one of my favorite movies "Control is an illusion.."(Days of Thunder) that's the reality, but sometimes our world feels so out of control to regain our sense of self and who we are, we close off to every person that has ever cared about us.
There is also the pain of vulnerability. It's hard to trust people, they will let you down, I will let you down. We all make mistakes, we all do hurtful things. And its because of this that we don't want to let anyone in, every time we open up we get hurt. Nobody likes that feeling.
Then there is the unknown factor, how can we show anyone who we are if we have no clue who that is. Not only can we not show them because we don't know who we are, but we can't show them because we don't know how. That's a very scary place to be. Who am I, Who do I want to be?, what if I don't like me, what if you don't like me? These are questions we answer everyday in every relationship we encounter, whether its conscious or unconscious.
The best I can say is that I am trying and learning and figuring things out. It's a process of growth and change. None of us were ever meant to go it alone, we were designed for fellowship with each other and with our Creator. I can't take away the pain of the past, but the future is now, and we can choose to be different, and we can be different by God's grace. So I want to be the best friend that I can be, and sometimes that means a little more pain, a little more hurt, but its the opposing extremes that make it all worth it, the love the mercy,& the grace. Don't become like I am becoming with the cough syrup--numb and disconnected! For the man who can feel no pain can feel no joy.
posted by becka at 1:10 AM
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