"...Then you'll see my heart, in the saddest state its ever been..."

Last night I went to prayer meeting at church. I love and hate prayer meeting all at the same time. Its overwhelming and that's both good and bad.
On the good side, I love my church and being prayed for and praying. Its amazing and I have seen God work in so many ways. The people there are amazing and I know that they care.
But yet I hate it because there is no hiding from God, I cant keep my mask on and still truly see him. When I look into his eyes I see the reflection of myself and I don't like what I see. As RK so eloquently sings in their song "Who I am Hates Who I've Been."
Being surrounded by people that care when you are hurting is an amazing thing. I don't like to cry but it seems that every time I go to church I either cry through the whole service, or cry the whole way home. Sometimes its dealing with my own failings and sometimes its out of overwhelming love and gratitude, and sometimes it just is.
I know why the holy spirit intervenes for us. I can't put to words what those tears mean. When someone asks me what's wrong, I have no words to tell them. I am communicating to my Saviour and I just don't have words that express.
So tonight I cried, and it felt good and bad all at once. I know he understands.
I was frustrated today, and more than today, recently. Friends that refuse to let people in. Ok I know you're screwed up because I'm there too, so stop trying to be cool and pretend everything is ok. I don't care if you cry--just if I cry.;) The thing that gets me is that I am trying to be real and to maintain real relationships, and it doesn't help you or me if you are superficial. I think there is a time and place for superficiality, but there is always something just under the surface, and this tends to be the best part of a person. All I am saying is I want to know who you are. Maybe you can't trust me and that's ok, I just want you to know that I care and its ok.
With that said I go back to the RK song. I guess if we don't like who we've been we don't like showing other people that. But I am trying. I want to be one of those people where you know who I am and where I've been and I know that its ok that I haven't always been a good person, but I'm trying.
This post is getting too long and its ending up in a different direction than I originally set out in this post. Things don't always come out the way we want, blogs and people. I guess I am human that way too.