Let's toast Love... with a glass of pesticide

Why am I nervous? Why am I at a loss for words when I see your face?
I want to talk to you and I have so many things I can say, but when the time comes suddenly I have nothing of consequence.
I am not trying to avoid you or not talk to you, but every time I try to talk all thoughts disappear.  Even the most basic like hello, how are you? Because I know the answer is going to be ok or fine or alright, and I want to know more about you than that.  What I really want to ask is who are you? And what’s on your mind? And what do you think of me? I want to hear you laugh.
It wasn’t always this way, and I am not sure what has changed to make it this way.
I’m not even sure that I like you, or that I know you well enough to like you.
And as for you, well I don’t really know what’s going through your mind.
I need to call you and I look for an excuse to dial the number, then I hang up and wish that I could just write you a letter or send you an email; I'm not good about this on the spot stuff.  It’s nice to have time to think things over and respond.  What if I get the answering machine, worse yet what if you answer, it seems so silly to call you for something that all of a sudden seems so meaningless.  And after I ask you and you answer my question, I want to stay on the line, but I don’t know what to say.  Last time I came to visit and all I could manage was “this is good Mr. Pibb”—how dumb is that!  
And although I can’t seem to talk to you these days, I miss you when you aren’t around, or when I’m not around as the case may be and I don’t get to see you.  But what’s the point in seeing you if I can’t even talk to you.  
Maybe we should do something, then I would have something to talk about, I’d love to go for a long walk in the woods, I know a great spot, or a drive maybe the Blue Ridge parkway is great this time of year.  Would it be weird for two friends to do something together?  I think I would be able to talk if we could do something to distract my self.  Or maybe I could let you borrow some music and we could talk to each other in song lyrics, but I don’t even know if you have time for any of this, and I know you wont have much time pretty soon.  I’ll have weekends off soon; I’d love to spend some of them getting to know you.  Do you like to go fishing, do you know of any good spots.  I don’t think I have to talk, silence is fine with me.  Except when I am calling to talk, and have nothing to say.
I just wish I could swallow some pesticide and kill these butterflies; I was doing amazing before they came.  I don’t want to feel these things I just want to be able to talk to you in a normal way, I’m really not avoiding you, but yet I am.  I know people will talk and I’m not ready for that, I don’t need any more ideas in my head; I have enough of my own.  We aren’t there yet, and we may never be, but in the mean time id like to see you.  And if I find out that you have the butterflies too we can both toast a glass of pesticide and move on with our lives.

Status

Well it’s been another crazy time.  I can’t believe how old I have gotten.  When did all this happen?  I have been thinking back to the past few years and looking at where I've been and what I’ve done.  Things have been pretty crazy.  In the last year I’ve managed to have 3 jobs, been to at least 7 different states, out of the country once.  I’ve grown closer to some friends and drifted apart from others.  Now I am embarking on a new experience, I am starting a new job at something I’ve never done before.  I’m moving to a new place, which is yet to be decided.  I have new members of my family and new members being added soon.  I’ve been diving in to the lives of the people around me sharing in their joys and hardships.  I can’t say this has been fun, in terms of what I used to think was fun.  In college I had fun, irresponsible impetuous fun.  But this is different, this is more organized and more steady more day to day.  It’s all together different.  It’s changing who I am and that’s a good thing.  I think I am becoming less selfish and more grounded.  I am learning to trust in the only giver and sustainer of life and his faithfulness for the journey.  I have been in some pretty lonely and rough places and just learning to seek God’s face and make the right decisions when everyone was telling me to do the contrary, and on the decisions where I failed, just find the love in forgiveness and being able to start new.
I still have much to learn, and this journey is far from over.  I just hope that I will be able to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God.  That I will live each day overcoming the fear that controls me and learning to address my weaknesses, first to my savior, and second to those that will keep me accountable.  I want to carry others burdens, not because of a duty or service, but because I love them, and the love of Christ lives in me and I want that love to be so deep and strong that it flows out of every thought and action in my life.  I want that for you too.
And when I stumble, I want you to be there, to lift me up in prayer and to help me get back to where I need to be, to sharpen me in the truth, as iron sharpens iron.  To show me a different way to think, and a different way to respond, that I may bring glory and honor to our father in heaven.
And yes I am way too spiritual on this, but this is right where I need to be.  I want to look back on this part of my life and say, I had a fun time, I was right where I was supposed to be and this is how it all worked out, and it was all God.  Like this job, I have been praying for, for over a year, and its here.  And God is good. The answer was coming and it couldn’t have been at a better time.  I am praying for many more things and eagerly waiting to see what God is going to do, now all I need is patience!