Snoring

Well everybody is finally here. My sister had quite an ordeal being stuck in DC for the greater part of today. Everyone is home now.
I think everyone coming home is the best part about Christmas. Laughing harder than is good for us. Being with people that totally love you no matter how stupid you are. Knowing that you belong somewhere.
I get to share my room with my brother sleeping on the floor. Its after 3am and I am having trouble sleeping. I must tell him later this morning that he snores. We had a big discussion about snoring on the way home from the airport tonight. Turns out he is a snorer too.
I got to meet Jessica from Guatemala. She seems really fun. I told someone the other day that we were having a Guatemalan Christmas so we thought we'd bring in a random person from Guatemala to make it authentic. I guess she's here to see if she could be a part of our family. I hope so.
she called her family tonight, I wonder if she talked about us in Spanish, if I spoke another language I would talk about people probably. I don't think she said anything bad about us, the only thing I could pick up was the word 25, which doesn't mean anything.
I'm nervous about taking pictures tomorrow, I don't know if I am creative enough, maybe Jessie will help me. I have been taking pictures so much I just run out of things to do, maybe I am in a rut.
I played with my new printer today--its amazing. I got some good bug picts to put up in my room. I like decorating with bugs. Oh weird my brother just said something about chicken in his sleep.
I was upset today the day seemed to take forever to get where I wanted it to go. By the time it got there I couldn't be there anymore. So I didn't get to see the friends I wanted to see or visit puppy or kitty. Sad times maybe later today who knows. Anyway I should attempt to sleep again. This screen is too bright for this dark room.

blah blah blog

So some exciting things have happened lately.
First of all I got a new computer and its amazing. I don't even have my finger off the enter button and its already there. I'm so spoiled now. It has one of those DVD/CD burner things which might be really cool, if I had speakers, but I don't. I think I was supposed to get speakers with my system, I need to call and find out.
today is also my first day off in a while. I have been so busy and working so hard. And weird hours too.
Its almost Christmas and that's exciting enough in itself. I can't wait to see anyone. The good news is both jobs thought I would be busy with the other one so they didn't schedule me! So I have some time off to enjoy my family and friends.
mom is cooking again. I really like it when she actually cooks. The big joke in my family is that when she cooks we end up going out to eat. But this time of year she is cooking more and that's cool. I like it when she cooks.
I also appreciate my dad too. Last night I came home kinda late. He was concerned but not angry. I shoulda called. I know he's looking out for his baby girl. Sometimes its hard to deal with that, but I think I am getting a better understanding of it.
2005 is just around the corner. I can't believe its already here. I don't make any new years resolutions, personally I think they are the popular thing to do. Most people have broken them by middle of January. I think the real trick to starting over, is to just do it, don't wait til January 1 to change your life. Every day is the beginning of a new year (the next 12 months) why wait. If you really want to change you aren't going to wait. I think that's why so many resolutions fail. People have this idea also that if they fail at their resolution its over. Change is not an easy thing, and I think we all will fail. But the difference between changing and just making a resolution to change, is that when you fail you get back up and start over. These are just my thoughts.
Oh and scrap the thing about a day off above, work just called they are all sick and they need me to come in. I need the money and my family isn't here yet. I really need to spend some time with Rebecca and Chelsie and Abby. Tomorrow I work 6-11pm, I don't work Thursday or Friday or Saturday.
anyway I should get some stuff done before I have to go to work. I can't believe I said yes.

lyrics

you dont care about my life
rub it in my face that you're alright
you said you hated to be just an ear
i guess you know how i feel

seems we only talk when you've got something wrong
i gotta problem its like talking to a wall
why do i feel so alone
maybe cuz i am

maybe i just dont feel missed
I know its hard, i'm so far away
maybe i've been this far all along
you just got tired of going that way

maybe i am just pissed
because i have no life
and that's not fair
but mamma always said that's life

trying to hold on trying to move past
spinning my tires in the mud,
just gets me dirty and tired fast

If I were coffee what would I be?

Find out what kind of coffee you are here.
Leave me a comment and let me know what kind of coffee you are, and maybe I can hook you up with some. Sounds like a plan to me.

The art of transition

Wow it's been amazingly crazy lately. But today is going better than yesterday. I was exhausted and running on caffeine. SO I was grumpy and jittery all at the same time. Yesterday I got to go to church, which was awesome. I love my church. They asked if anyone needed prayer and I figure we all do, so I didn't hesitate to raise my hand. There is so much junk in my life, in my thoughts, in my actions and sometimes there are things that cannot be expressed in words. Thoughts and feelings that can only be spoken through the heart and a direct connection with God. I am very thankful we have that in Christ, and very thankful for a church that encourages members to pray for each other--sounds elementary but there are so many churches that miss the mark.
My heart has been especially heavy for my friends recently. Many of them are just leaving home and attempting to exert independence. Which is a very painful process. Its hard to get through, I have been there, I know its hard for the parents to, I cannot say in all the ways because I believe its deeper emotions than I can understand yet, since I am not a parent. I also have friends that have just moved away from home for the first time and are in college. They have so many new things. Its all exciting and they are trying to balance social and academics and missing home. Many of my friends are also just out of school looking for a job in their field of study, finding out that no matter how hard you studied, it doesn't guarantee you a job, and it sometimes means starting over at the bottom, getting paid minimum wage. I am dealing with that too. I have friends that are feeling stuck and are constantly fighting battles within themselves to do the right thing, gosh I know what that's like. Some of my other friends are getting engaged and married, which is so exciting and cool, but also a time of huge transition.
The more I look at it, the more I realize that this transition never stops. Constantly changing and moving (hopefully in a forward motion--oh Relient K-- "Forward Motion" "cuz forward motion is harder than it sounds every time I gain some ground I gotta turn myself around again...") I guess that's why God is so amazing, He can and does remain the same in an ever changing world. He's the one thing we can count on to always be the same. Hebrews 13:8, Malachi 3:6, to name a few.
As for yesterday I was a monster. I spazed at one kid, I really didn't want the cucumber in my face. Normally it would have been a funny thing. But yesterday I was so tired and stressed all at the same time, I couldn't handle the sensory overload at the youth Christmas party. However, I did go home with a sweet palm tree neon light, and the gift I gave of Relient K was the most coveted. I am better today. I was also upset because I left my cake at home, I spent my only free time Saturday afternoon baking a cake when I really needed a nap, then I forgot it at home on the kitchen counter. I was very upset, combine that with sensory overload and a no-touchy-lack-of-personal-space-kinda-day, overtired, overstressed and caffeinated--and you have me. I am not making excuses, but those were contributing facts to my behavior. Sorry if I upset anyone.
To leave on a lighter note, I will share something that Rebecca and I thought of last night. If a bee had allergies, would he get hives? LOL!! Ha ha. Ok maybe it doesn't seem as funny today, but it was hilarious last night. Almost as funny as the survivor finale, with the host cutting through the bush with a machete and jumping out of airplanes--very over dramatic and cheesy--I hope you all saw it.

i cant believe it just erased my whole post

grr ihate redneck internet. I just spent an hour working on a meaningful post and my internet shut down right as i was going to send it and it didnt work, i tired to go back and it erased everything! grrr

Miss miss missing you...

I have some great friends and I miss them lots. Just want to say--I am still thinking about all y'all wherever you are, Saskatchewan, north Carolina, Timbuktu. You guys are great and I miss you and I just wanted to let everyone know how special they are. Much love and prayers go out to everyone, I'd list you all by name, but you know my memory, I'd forget someone and then they'd be all offended and stuff. I'd like to get you all lots of presents and you know I would if I could afford it. I can not go to Walmart anymore, I always find stuff that seems like such a good deal and its so neat and you would love it, because I do. I leave there a little poorer every time. I was talking with a friend tonight and they suggested that if I saved my money instead of spending it on people I could probably move out. Probably but that isn't me, I already get too selfish, I have to make up for it somehow. And if that means buying cool stuff for my buddies, well the deserve it for putting up with all my complaining about being stuck living at home! Thanks a bunch now I will cease being sappy and go to bed. Work comes early tomorrow--holy cow like 4 and a half hours from now!! Good night!

Job Jitters

SO today is my first day of training at my new job. I am so excited but also so nervous I could throw up. See for a long time I have felt like a failure, and it probably comes from some traumatic childhood experience, that I cant ever fix. So anyway I keep thinking I am going to screw up, that I can't do this. I'm terrified because what if I am right? Worse yet, what if I am wrong? The lie of my life being a failure will be shattered, will I put back the pieces to hold on to my reality or will I say good riddance you evil thought? Just first day job jitters, I wonder how my buddy ,formerly known as a bum, Kevin's first night on the job went? I'm curious to find out, I guess I wont unless he emails me cuz I will be at work when he wakes up and he will be at work when I come home and then I will be asleep when he comes home. Its a mess. A job change can be very stressful. I have been a photographer for several years now, what if I don't know how to do anything else. Yesterday I almost answered the phone "Skears portrait studio, this is Rebekah, can I set up an appointment for you?" But then I realized I was at home. I guess that's what happens when you work too much (8 days straight) and your company uses you, so I will be happy for the change, but its still a change none-the-less.

"The Usual"

My whole life I have had this irrational fear that I will become predictable. In my mind this is synonymous with boring. My dad is one of those people that goes to the same restaurant everyday for lunch, and orders the exact same thing. I guess it's easy for him, he never has to look at the menu, and its easy for the restaurant because they have a heads up on what he's going to order.
I have spent a great deal of my thoughts and energy on trying not to be predictable, I try to order different things when I go out to eat. I want people to know me, and know what I want, but I don't think it has to be the same thing all the time.
I would even go as far as parking in a different parking space at work, I mean I always park in the same section, otherwise I would lose my car, but sometimes I park 2 spaces from the last and sometimes on the right rather than the left. I was careful to park in a different place everyday. Then I realized I was becoming too predictable in my predictability, so I would have to work on the change-up. Like a good pitcher, throw a couple of the same and then suddenly switch it to a slow pitch by parking on the other side of the row.
although as I do things more and more I realize there is a certain sanity in being predictable, you know what you want and you have a reason for the things you are doing. I can be totally insane and park at the other side of the mall from where I need to go just to be spontaneous, but that's just stupid. All this occurred to me because I order the same turkey chipotle wrap at Katie's pretzels everyday I eat there, turkey, provalone cheese, sun dried tomatoes, cucumbers, pepper, onions, lettuce and sauce, together with a large sweet tea. The manager, Steve, knows that I work at the portrait studio, he knows I come in everyday about 11, he knows exactly what I want on my wrap. Is this predictable? Maybe, but should I change what I like just to try and be different?
Its true different can be good and I want to be careful not to let what I like, to prevent me from trying new things. I want to explore a little bit, it took some time and some recommendations to figure out what I wanted on my wrap, Why do I park at the very last space in the row, so I can get more exercise. But if its a rainy day or I am running late, I am not going to park at the end just because I always do. I think there needs to be a balance of spontaneity and predictability. I am not sure how to do that yet, I may have to keep trying and keep ordering my "usual."

Dry Bones

She fought and struggled to feel that she was valuable property, but she knew her heart was scarred. She had been down the road many times before, she knew what empty felt like. "I don't want to be the one damaged this time." Her fears wage within her "I have been through this before." She wants to forgive, she wonders if she can.
He knew rejection like an old friend, he saw it everyday since his parents had separated. The same love that drew him to his parents also pushed him away. So he went away, trying to find a place to belong, he too wondered what it felt like to be valued. He never thought he would ever be able to love anyone. "I hate them," He says in his mind, "But I love them." He wants to move on, and wonders if he can ever have a meaningful relationship.
Her struggle pushed ahead past a string of broken relationships, she doesn't want to get too close because she knows the closer she gets the more it hurts.
His struggle brought him to an empty life. Nothing meaningful because that would only end up in failure anyway, all that had ever been meaningful was at war. Somehow he was caught in the cross fire.
She found emptiness, he found apathy.
Two people broken, and still breaking.
Then they remembered a story from long ago. People fellowshipping with their creator. Their selfishness had scarred their hearts and the relationship had been broken, by their sin. God loved them, and designed a way for their hearts to be mended. In spite of his great Love, they turned their backs on what he had done and they continued to settle for less than God ever intended for them. God knew the sacrifice would be great but he was willing & God came down to mend the hearts of men. Showing the world true love and forgiveness and fellowship through his son. The hearts of man were evil and in their quest for their own lust of power, they killed the son of God. This was the ultimate price paid so that the world could have everything God had ever wanted for them. Many rejected but many received. Reconciliation must be God's favorite story, for it is the story of the cross. An epic of grace and love that brings man to God and draws one to another.
This story forgives the abuser, mends the brokenness, and fills the emptiness, destroys the apathy.
She can't see her value, but her God can.
He can't mend broken relationships, but his God can.
The God that had given it all, gave it for them. Two broken people, being put back together how Their creator had originally intended them to be.
Ezekiel 36 & 37

Criminal victims

I started this blog after talking with a good friend of mine. It got me thinking about the way things are and how sometimes that's not fair. Its about forgiveness--which seems to come very hard sometimes. Forgiving myself and forgiving others.
There will always be things that I blame on myself. Things in my past and present. When I mess up, I take it hard. When other people hurt me I often blame myself too. I think its my fault for letting them that close.
There are times when it's other peoples fault. I have struggled for many years trying to forgive people that have hurt me. What I don't get is when I hurt other people because I have been hurt. Like a wounded animal.
I hope people will understand, I hope I will understand. On some level we are all hurting. Whether it was a separation of your parents, or an abusive situation, or a relationship gone very wrong. Our responses to these things may not even be conscious. Without knowing it we hurt those that care about us the same way we have been hurt.
My favorite coping mechanism is to avoid and withdraw. I am being very conscious these days in making my friends with people that won't allow me to do that. I need to know at the worst of times no matter how bad I have messed up I can't push them away. And that they wont let me run from my problems. I told you about that dream I had about my friend Kevin where he was a murderer and he came and confessed to me, in my dream I encouraged him to turn himself in and to do what was right, and I guess in my heart that's what I want in a friend and that's what I want to be in a friend.
I think that's what real accountability is, knowing that people are gonna stick by you even when you are at your worst, and knowing that they are going to help you to choose what's right.
Recently I was very upset by a choice that a friend had made. I could see how it was hurting them, and I felt helpless to stop it, so I prayed, and I am still praying. But they never knew that the choice they had made, had hurt me, I was really upset--I mean really how could they have done that? Then I remembered the failure I have been so many times, If God can forgive me, I should extend Gods grace to this friend.
Its so easy to get upset about things, and I think we should get upset about the sin that surrounds us, it should cause us to rise up and praise God for the mercy he has shown us, I don't think we should just stand by and watch our friends fall down. But what I have come to realize is that we cannot in our own power help them up, because really no matter how much farther down they seem from us, in reality we are all in the slimy pit--filthy and helpless. It's only God's grace extended through us that we can pull each other up. The hard part is that people can only be helped if they want to be helped, and that decision is not ours, only God can change the hearts of men.
We are all victims, but we are all criminals. I am pretty tired of people blaming their mistakes on the mistakes others have made, whatever happened to personal responsibility? I guess the same old game since Eden continues. Nobody is innocent here. Nobody escapes unhurt by this fallen world either, we are all losers. Its only when we realize the degree of our depravity that we truly see our need for salvation.

words of wisdon

God is bigger than PMS
Better to look dumb, than be dumb
Sing, it keeps away bears and grumpy people
If your car leaves a puddle of oil in its parking space--this is not a good thing.

check out for more later:)