Progress/Regress Report

Progress/Regress ReportI set some goals for myself so that my mind would not go to waste.I was going to read a book every week, I was going to try something new or do something that scares me everyday, I was going to take pictures everyday and continue to grow and work on these things.  I wanted to write more, but not just about what’s going on but important things, deep meaningful though provoking things.  I was also going to continue not to watch TV.  
This is my progress report.  I haven’t read a book a week since august when I got stuck on Jane Austen’s Emma.  In regard to writing about nothing, I would have to say Jane Austen leaves nothing to the imagination; every detail is described to the point of needing no imagination.  Which I think leaves no room for the story to transcend time periods and people can’t place themselves in the story because they aren’t imagining themselves in that atmosphere.  So I got so frustrated with the book after the 6th chapter or so I couldn’t continue, and I had 4 more books I had checked out from the library which I tried to read, but it was lost.  So I ended up turning the books in late and I still owe money on them.  As far as trying something new, or scary, it just hasn’t happened.  I quit my job and now I am working 2 others, that’s pretty scary, I guess there is just so much uncertainty about where I am going to live and work that there is no brainpower left to try something new.  I guess you can count my meal of Spam and Chai as something new, rather a new combination, or even something scary judging by the reactions of those around me.  I am using a new camera, at first that was scary and new.  So I guess I am not doing too bad in this category, I guess I just wanted it to be more intentional, like a fear factor kind of thing, but I am not easily scared, and maybe everyday is too frequent and needs to be adjusted.  
Most days I take pictures, either at work or with my own camera, I am still wanting the new camera, and I think even if I don’t take pictures everyday I make up for it on special occasions, I just noticed a lack of everyday pictures which makeup most of my gallery.  I guess if I wanted to I could blame it on the weather, and my tiredness, but I still need to take more pictures.  I just haven’t felt inspired lately and I think people aren’t used to me taking pictures of them because I don’t have my camera out enough.  I have to admit occasionally I feel very silly for taking pictures for no specific reason.  But I need to get over this, I guess I am just tired of the comments and stares of people thinking I am crazy, maybe I am but who are you to judge?  And I guess I have been working on my photography, I printed off some model releases last night and a photo log to keep track of the information and details of some pictures, that’s a step in the right direction.
I was going to start writing more, thought provoking things, involving all kinds of irony and plays on words, satirical.  I love that kind of stuff.  I had many people comment on the blog about hair dye, it actually sounded like a disgruntled ex –girlfriend speaking of the many ills of her former beau. (See September 12, 2005 blog)  Its still one of my favorites.  I want to write more like that.  Sometimes I feel I need an audience though.  I just don’t think anyone cares anymore.  Maybe they don’t but my writing shouldn’t be dependant on them.  I guess I am insecure that way.  A general lack of creativity doesn’t help either.  I dunno if it’s from the restless sleep, the crazy scramble of life working 2 jobs and trying to juggle all of this life, which really isn’t so bad, but it’s enough to make me tired, yet I still have the creative drive, but I’d rather sleep.  My friends help with my creativity and lately I just haven’t spent enough time with them.  It’s hard when everyone is so far away, either geographically or mentally.  I maybe just need more friends.
I can also blame the TV, I stopped watching it mostly.  I got used to not having it, but it has become a social thing now.  When I go to see someone we watch TV, which is ok but I want to do something more creative that uses our creativity but it goes back to the whole tired uncreative ness issue—why I'm not writing and taking pictures more—It’s a lot of energy to be creative and what’s the point of using all that energy when people are content to just watch TV.  And I think TV just adds to the uncreative ness, it’s like a sick cycle.  It reminds me of a C.S. Lewis quote I came across this week that I think I will share.  
“We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.  We are far too easily pleased.”  
Although I believe Lewis was speaking of much more spiritual matters than these.  I believe there is a direct connection with the spiritual settling for less and that same settling in our everyday lives.  Could it be that I am experiencing this drought because I have forgotten the one who wants to give us life to the full.  Have I settled for these things instead of focusing on the creator of these things?  It does pose an interesting question.