Two or more on the go

I haven't blogged in forever. I had been trying to at least blog once a day. Well its been a week, between my two new jobs and thanksgiving and family and redneck internet and sleep there hasn't been much brain power left.
I have a few on the go, but I cant seem to get them to say what I want them to say. The last couple of blogs haven't been what I really wanted either. So I am taking more time on these, I hope they are gooders. Even this isn't really what I want or need to say, it seems kinda superficial for me.
I have had a lot on my mind about my friends. Several of them are looking for jobs and aren't having much luck. A few of my friends are kinda gettin messed up into things that I know are gonna catch up with them and maybe leave permanent physical or psychological damage.
I would change the world for them, if I could. I would give them the best job they ever had and I would take them away from all that could hurt them. And in a perfect world that would be alright. But I know that we all must face these things head on and learn to deal with them, it shapes us into who we become, and although I don't like what I see some of my friends becoming, I know its based on their decisions and its shaping who they are.
Maybe in 5 years we wont be friends anymore? People assure me that they will always be my friends. People change and people follow after different things in their lives, and its not that we become enemies, we just have different directions our lives are going. I still consider them my friends but the relationship has changed, and for one reason or another, moving away, a new job, going to school,we no longer share the same thoughts. You can't read their mind anymore, you can't finish their sentences, you don't always get their humor anymore. Sometimes its messy and the person is constantly misunderstanding you and the communication breaks down, its sad when that happens but it happens. It's difficult but I don't think its necessarily bad.
I am thankful for the friends that I got, and I believe they were put into my life to shape who I am becoming. I hope that we stay close the rest of our lives, but if we don't I can still look back and remember the times and be thankful for how they have helped me be me.

Thoughts for an everyday

Be my escape, from the real world, from the people and the madness. Let me find some solace, my cave, solid as rock dripping with the springs of life. Be my escape from me, the monster I am, help me take my eyes off me and see through the haze. Help me to hear the songs you have written on our lives and be thankful for the music, sometimes dissonant but always resolving. Let me feel the texture of your grace, how softly it flows upon us all, and the strength of your mercy, like fine silk, wrap it around me with your love. Let me be as you are.

The SB collection

Spruce bark, spruce boards, spruce bugs, stick bug, stink bug, starbucks, silk booties, school bus, school books, school board, surf board, snow board, snow balls, soccer ball, soft ball, slimy boogers, stellar band, screamo band, sad book, song book, story book, style bomb, sarin bomb, smart bomb, side burns, side bar, sushi bar, steel bar, soap bars,singles bar, single blade,sling blade,sling back, salt block, sand bag, seal blubber, sound barrier, speed barrier, speed boat, strong bad, silver broach, soft butter, sweet Becky, sandy beaches, stupid banks, silly blogs, stealing bases, storing boxes, shipping boxes, serving bowl, serving beer, swampy bogs, silly boys, stripped bandanas, sweet bananas, summer breeze, sunlight beam, string beans,stuck behind, straw bales, soft bed, sturdy rails, step back, stare blank, stutter badly, sleepy baby, sick bay, stinky biffie, smart beaver, shopping bag, surplus beef, smoked bacon, swimming bears, switching back, shake'n' bake, sandwich bread, sand box, smile broadly...

Indecision

Some people seem to have it all figured out, they know what they want and they seem to pursue it at an amazing speed. They set goals and have a step by step way of achieving them. They make decisions and these shape their lives. So what happens if you don't make decisions, the very act of not deciding is a decision, by which out lives are shaped. By nature I am not a very decisive person. I may not know what I want but most often I know what I don't want. I let my decisions be made for me, if at all possible. Some people think this is lazy, or apathetic, but I beg to differ. Deciding what you don't want probably takes as much time and I would venture more time on the road to knowing what you truly want. For example, what should I wear?--well I could just pick something out and wear it, but I pick something that is not dirty, that's a decision that most normal people make about the kind of things they don't want. The question of what to wear is hardest answered right after laundry day, but toward the end of the week we all base our decisions on what we still have that's clean. As for other decisions, I generally try to be helpful and easy going. Like if my boss or one of my coworkers asks me to come in or work for them, I generally will unless I really can't--even if I don't want to. Maybe I am too nice, and maybe I have been played, but its a decision that I make based on the type of person I am, and I am the type of person that would do something that makes me miserable if it helps someone else, sometimes with grumbling and complaining;). I find it pretty easy to get along with people, except when they are non-decision makers like me, then we never know what to do or where to go or what to eat, we just kinda sit around. Although I am attracted to these type of people, they don't make me feel extra stress by thinking I should know what to do. They aren't always asking whets happening next or what are we doing. Sometimes --most times I have no idea what I am doing, but I am having fun doing it.
I wonder what this indecision really is. What if its something deeper than I ever imagined, what if its a strange irrational fear that people wont like what I like to do and therefore I think they wont like me. So I let them decide because I think it makes them happier. People like not deciding, whets wrong with that, but what if its just a matter of apathy?
What if I just don't know what I want, I know what I don't want mostly, so I can narrow down a set of options. I cant just pick one off the top of my head and do it, maybe I am too creative for that. A sort of options overload.
When asked what I want to do with my life, it's not a matter of deciding, I think if I decide that will limit who I am. What if instead of narrowing it down to what I want to do or what I want to be what if I just want to do it all, and what if I accomplish it all, who is to say I can't. Maybe I'm not indecisive at all maybe I just dream bigger? What if I am wrong and I waste all my time thinking so I don't have to decide?

Gnomes in Rome

I have closet gnomes, I wouldn't mind them much but my dad keeps complaining that I am wasting electricity by leaving the closet light on. First of all what have I to do in a closet, it's not like I keep my clothes there. And secondly what do I need light for, I spent years as a child pretending I was blind so I could go through this world without having to flip the switch. Its not laziness, because sometimes if you cant see you end up doing things the long way, try finding clothes based solely on how they feel. And these new t-shirts without the tags just make me where my clothes backwards, how is a blind person supposed to tell the back from the front if there is no tag? Anyway the gnomes leave the light on all the time. I will have to talk to them about that, except I don't have any names for them. I figure if I name them then I will get attached and won't be able to leave them here. I don't really need them leaving the lights on at my new apartment, they will run up my electric bill, as long as they don't do that I could live with them, maybe I can get them to help with rent?

..the dreamers of dreams

Yesterday morning I had a dream, and I actually remember it and it's weird. I have been having lots of weird dreams lately, like just last week I dreamed my friend Kevin was a murderer and he buried his victim in the floor, a la "tell-tale heart" style. Then he came to me because the burden of guilt was just to much to handle. I told him he should turn himself in, even though it would mean I would never see my friend again. I suppose we should always hold what's right above our own feelings. But yesterdays dream I could not pull any sort of moral benefit from.
So just some background before I explain the dream to you, I had a fish named Pablo, he was a pretty betta and he died, I was sad. It seems silly but I grow attached to things very easily. His death has been on my mind since it happened.
Anyway the dream didn't really have an order it was just all at once. My dad had taken our functioning dryer and made an aquarium out of the lint trap. It was one of those old school lint traps on the top of the dryer. I don't know how he did it, but it was a gift for me. I thought it an odd place for a fish bowl so I asked him why there. He explained that they were tropical fish and needed warm water, so by keeping it in the dryer the excess heat would keep their water at a reasonable temperature--whatever. Nobody in my family questions the logic of my dad, because we are wrong and he is right. I asked him about the fact that they were in the dryer and you couldn't see them, he assured me you just open up the little door on the lint trap and you could see them. I went to do this to see if what he said was true and I couldn't see any fish, they were covered in table scraps--bits of salad some and meat and mashed potatoes, the whole fish bowl fish and all was filled with food and water and the fish couldn't swim, so I was freaking out like I did with Pablo and grabbing handfuls of soupy table scraps out of the fish bowl trying to find the fish. My dad says he didn't want to buy any special food for them so he was feeding them leftovers. I found the fish one was dead and the other one was dying. It was very sad.
I have come to believe this dream and the other weird ones are a direct result of drinking cranberry juice before bed. I have had a few relatively normal dream weeks and I realized it all started to get weird again when I got more cranberry juice. That's my story and I am sticking to it.

Believable Fiction

I haven't posted anything of an overly spiritual nature since I started my blog. That is an important part of my life and I want people to know that. However I have this overwhelming fear that I am a hypocrite.
I can honestly say, I mess up a lot. I don't do the right things all the time and my words and thoughts aren't always Godly. The pastor of my church posed the question yesterday that maybe people don't talk about God and Jesus because they are embarrassed to be associated with him, after all Jesus's path was marked with persecution. I think for me, I am not embarrassed by God, but by myself. I can't see how God would even want me to talk about him because it would probably do more harm than good. In a round about way I am afraid of the persecution of myself, I don't want people to see me mess up.
The more I think about it the more I realize it's true, and having this particular fear isn't right either. It does seem to cement my point though. When I think about how it is, I think about how easy it is to get a wrong picture of God. Although I don't outwardly believe that God is going to be embarrassed of me, and think me useless, the very fact that these questions come up in my mind reveal that somewhere inside me I think this is the way it is. I don't want to be seen by God or man as a failure, a screw-up or just messed up.
And the point is, this is where I am, a hypocrite through and through. God is bigger than that and although I fail many times over and over again, God can use me. Why he continues to do so is something I cannot fathom. I still struggle with it, and realize on some level that ultimately its not about me.

Don't hate me cuz I hate Christmas...

Yeah, I get to hate Christmas sometimes. I work at the mall, and the whole consumerism of it all just gets overwhelming. Not to mention the long lines, crowds, and overplayed, over done and just plain played out Christmas songs and movies and those annoying dancing singing toys. I want Christmas to mean something, more than just the hype, more than just fancy wrapped presents, more than just giving because its expected. I know I am guilty of falling into this trap too, but I want it to be different.
Soo..... I have come up with a few little suggestions to get all of us scrooges to work for the benefit of others and the sheer pleasure of helping someone else out.
Samaritans Purse is a good place to start, they head the Operation Christmas Child program, that sends shoeboxes full of gifts all over the world every Christmas, My friend Rosie had the privilege of going to South America to help distribute these boxes. They also have various disaster relief and medical programs that help out all over the world.
Another great place to check out is World Vision The do work in sponsoring children all over the world and their families to live better lives. Their Hope Project deals with areas and people directly impacted by the AIDS/HIV pandemic. If you check out the link above you can also see their gift catalogue where they put together gifts that you can buy for sponsor families, the stuff is really cool, like goats and chickens, and sending kids to school for a year. This also is the place where you can find out about 30 hour famine, and how to raise money for people all over the world that don't have enough money to have something to eat.
There is also World Relief . They do all kinds of things like starting community banks, refugee, disaster, and agricultural programs. The combine your donations with grants, goods and services donated by churches, governments, foundations, and international organizations that make your money count!
Relevant Magazine has an area devoted to helping people all over the world and getting people involved, its called The Revolution and the link should take you to the page that lists all the agencies that they work with.
This is just a start for those of you out there that think Christmas should be different. For local stuff I would check out your local thrift shops (often these are in place to support a charity or relief organization, look in your phone book about food banks, and shelters that need volunteers or donations. If there is nothing in your phone book, try Google.
And my personal favorite, are my missionary friends, you can check out what's happening with them and more info at Kevin's blog.

Here's to today

A day off is like....
a well worn pair of flip flops, comfortable and simple
a good chocolate bar, hits the spot, should be indulged on a regular basis but not too regular or it will all go to your hips
a good song, you can play it over again and it only gets old if its too many times in a row
a cup of coffee, warms you up, gives you energy and can be spent with friends
a toilet that flushes, lets you forget about all the crap
a new car, its exciting and it goes real fast.
going fishing and not catching anything, you feel more relaxed and you don't have to clean anything.
Well that's about all I have to celebrate my day off. I had a few more but they either didn't quite work out or they were a little "sketchy." Sorry if you were expecting something a little more profound, I am taking a day off from that too.

So as the story goes

I love my life, and not because my wildest dream came true..cuz if you read the whole post that didn't even happen. Plus my wildest dream is getting married on an island, on a Tuesday morning in the middle of the winter in Canada.;) My life isn't about what I don't have, its about what I've got. Friends, family, a good low paying job that I love, and people to share my life with. I am very fortunate and although dreams are all marvelous things to have, and to aspire towards, if it doesn't happen, I am okay with that. Dream for the sake of dreaming. I hope everyone got the joke and wasn't too upset. People believe what they want to believe and a lot of my friends were hurt ( I AM SORRY) because they wanted to believe me, they wanted it to be the truth so that they could celebrate with me. Thanks guys for wanting the good stuff for me. You are the friends everyone dreams about, you are the real deal and for that I am truly thankful. You are the reason I am ok not having my "wildest dream" come true, who needs dreams when you got the real thing?

My wildest dreams come true...

So today I walked into work. I guess the manager has been talking with the district manager about all of us in the studio and how hard we work, so they have decided to increase our salary to $8 an hour plus commission. This is awesome! So then I go out into the mall, and there is a new music instrument store, I was talking to the owner about his store as I was getting a set of strings for my guitar, and he told me that this is just his day job, he's actually working on an album and he's really frustrated because he can't seem to get a backup singer for some of his tracks, I casually mentioned that I do some singing and so he asked me if I would come back after I got off from work today and audition. He also mentioned that he needs someone to do some photography for his album and he asked if I could do it for him. He said even if it didn't work out for me to sing, he would pay me $500 for the use of my photography skills. Then when I got home, there was a call on the answering machine that my friend Tim found a car for me, and it's basically free except for the work that I have to put into it, he said it's not that much--he should know he's a mechanic. He said it's a 93 Toyota, it's silver like my old Toyota, it's only got 103,000 miles, he told me it has a great CD player too. Then I opened up my mail and my bank credited my account with that overdraft they charged me last year plus interest. They had gone back and re-examined their records and in fact it had been their error, they apologized profusely. My dad came home from work, and he said he had a surprise for me, so I went out to his truck and he had a puppy in there--for me. He said him and mom were talking the other night and they thought about how lonely I was and how happy my fish made me, so they got me a puppy. I asked what was the catch, why could I have a puppy at the house. So he told me that for Christmas they had paid for my first and last months rent and deposit for a small apartment close to where I work--and they take dogs! I was ecstatic, I still don't have a name for my puppy he's soo cute. I will have to take some pictures and show you. So anyway it gets better, I go to check my email and there was this thing from dell computers, I guess I had entered some contest on their website when I was browsing for computers, and I won! So I get a brand new computer with all the cutting edge technology, DVD/CD burner thingy, a 17 inch flat screen monitor. Its got lots of memory, they said I could put tons of music and pictures on it with no problem. I guess they needed to confirm my address, and make sure I would be home when they came to deliver it. They have to do all kinds of promotional stuff and I get a tech guy to come in here and help me configure everything and put it all together! How cool is that? So I decided to celebrate with some shopping, I found this awesome pair of jeans, they fit like a dream, but they were kinda expensive, the tag said $75, but I thought--you know I am worth it, so I went to check out and turns out they had been marked wrong and they were really only $17. When I came back my puppy was barking at me, and he ran and jumped up when I came in the door, he misses me already. So I gave him some love, and he fell asleep on my lap. He's so cute, I didn't mind the drool from him sleeping. I called up some of my friends we are gonna go out for supper at the Mexican place and then go to a concert tonight. This day is awesome.
Just Kidding..But wouldn't it be cool?

One Good Reason

Ever need one good reason, not to answer the phone at 7:30am, on your day off? I personally don't need a reason it's understood, but just in case I have several good reasons actually, 1.) It's probably a telemarketer, 2.)Most people I know, are aware that I may kill them if they call me that early on my day off, so it probably isn't for me, 3.) If the first two weren't good enough--here's the clincher--It's probably work wanting me to come in.
So why then do you suppose I am up at 7:30, or morning at all on my day off, when I didnt make it to sleep til almost 4am? Well I heard the phone ring from my bed, and I was just going to roll over and go back to sleep. I guess Mom was running late this morning and she decided she should answer the phone, so she comes in and hands me the cordless and tells me its my boss. Everything would have been on schedule for my arise at around noon, I would check the phone to see if it had really been that important and I at that point would have heard the message and it would have been to late to go in.
Being the kind of person that I am, and understanding for the girl that is sick(she subbed for me last year when nobody else would, and I know she was busy) I said yes, and dragged myself out of bed. I have more than one good reason this is a good idea. 1.) It shows I am a dependable person, 2.) I really didn't have anything planned for today, 3.) I shouldn't sleep until noon anyway it makes getting up tomorrow harder, 4.) I am hoping to get on as assistant manager, so I need to show that I can and will work on short notice, 5.) Jessy is a really nice girl, that deserves a break, especially when she is sick, 6.) I really need the hours.
So with that said, I am off to get ready for work, I guess its just too bad I was soooo excited for doing nothing today. Friday will feel great--I hope--otherwise I get OT and I don't think they want to be doing that.

short.

I figured out why I would let the strange man at the kiosk hold my hand, but I was really creeped out at the idea of sharing my personal space with the strange foreign man previously mentioned. See the strange foreign man came into my space, an invasion of sorts, whereas I was invited into the salesguys space, it was my choice all the way, I like that. The guy that came into the studio, was never invited and it was my turf. Even if the salesguy would have suggested me to sit on his lap, like the strange foreign guy did, at least I could run away I could go back to my space. But the foreign guy was in my space--I HAD NO WHERE TO GO!!! But that is enough about that. Oh and another US prez with last name ending in "N"--Truman, how could I forget my sis's fav. My friend Earlene said that my blog entries were too long, so this one's for her.

Inquiring minds want to know...

I don't know what bugs me more, not being able to sleep or the stupid things I think about while I can't sleep. So tonight this is what I was thinking about.
My blog, I was thinking of doing a piece on how nice it is to have my hand held by a man. I was gonna base it off of this salesguy at the mall tonight that tried to sell me something to make my nails look like they had been professionally manicured. Here's the problem with my nails, 1) I don't have any cuz I have chewed them to bits, 2) I could care less if they look like they have been professionally manicured. So why would I let some strange man hold my hand, and buff my poor little fingernail until I could see my reflection in it? I really do not have an answer for that. All I am going to say is that I liked it. Maybe tomorrow after work I can stop by his kiosk again and get him to show me again, pretend I am convinced his product really would work for me, but still play hard to get, these sales people you gotta know how to play the game. He thinks he has me, he thinks he can sweet talk me, and hold my hand, and I will buy his lies. WELL I WON'T! Yeah, so I can't sleep.
Then I was thinking about getting some pictures of myself done. Not only is this a silly idea because pictures cost money and I don't have any money, but also I hate myself in pictures, probably one of the reasons I became a photographer, if you are always behind the lens you have a good reason for not being in any pictures. So let's just suppose I was going to have pictures taken for real, I was thinking I should take some with my guitar since music is supposed to be right up there on my list of priorities, which reminds me about my library books/guitar videos that were due back last week. I hope I can afford the fine. You know what? my guitar is dirty I need to polish it, I don't have any guitar polisher stuff. Moving right along on my A.D.D. journey I thought maybe I could take pictures with my new stuffed alligator that my parents got for me on their recent trip to Florida. The first alligator in a long line of alligators if my OCD parents go down that road. (Just ask my sister about how many yellow duckies can fit in one bathroom) But I can't take pictures with it, because it doesn't have a name. There was that cool name at Bible study last night Nicanor or something, no that sounds too much like Nicotine. Oh I know Nixon, no wait he was a US president, then I thought Jackson, oh wait he was a US president too. Do you know how many president's last names end in an "N"? Let me list off a few for your benefit, Nixon, Jackson, Reagan, Clinton, Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Harrison, Johnson, and that's all I could think of. Yeah so I can't sleep.

Tetris[k]

Have you ever played Tetris? I never had Nintendo as a kid, but I remember going to my cousin's house one Saturday and playing the gameboy version of Tetris all day, I dreamed about it that night. Can you hear the music? Well anyway most people know how the game goes, you stack the blocks and try to complete a whole line, and then it makes a cool sound a disappears and you get more points. My favorite though is when you get a bunch of lines and it makes that really cool "time warp" sound and you get a bonus. My job is a lot like Tetris.
I am a photographer and lets just say completing a line is like having decent expressions and a nice composition. That's all fine and good and that's pretty easy. But then you want to try and get that bonus, so you have the perfect expression, everyone looking the same direction(very hard with little kids) perfect composition, and you put the last piece in place at just the right moment and just the right spot by clicking the shutter release. As you may know with the bonuses sometimes in Tetris, one wrong move and you're out of control and you lose the game, this is also the case in photography. If I try too hard to get the most wonderful shot , I might mess up the whole thing. For example: little baby decides it has had enough and cries the rest of the time, the 2-year old gets antsy this upsets mom and dad which makes the 2-year old cry, the 4-year old has to go potty, the 11-year old gets the fake smile and you don't get a decent shot the rest of the sitting.
Today was a reasonably good day, I had some really great shoots and some really great pictures. I was conquering little lines right and left, I went in for the bonus with a family of 6 tonight, let's just say after an hour I lost the round and gained $5.34. Oh well.
As stupid as that is, I don't think I should ever stop trying for the bonuses, I am not paid on commission, but even if I was I think everybody deserves a shot at the best. However, sometimes you have to conquer a few lines before you set up for the bonus or you may end up with nothing.
I think this can be true for a lot of things in life, set up for the biggest and the best, but don't forget the small everyday stuff, it's the little lines you conquer that sets you up for the big win. Don't just settle on the little lines either, aim high, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. It will all work out in the end. But when it all comes down who is going to have the most points--the one that conquered everyday little lines, the one that only tried the bonus lines or the one that did both? If only life were made of stackable blocks.

Affliction of Affections

Well I was going to post about affections but before I begin with that, more specifically, I would like to talk about my computer. It is true we have a love/hate relationship, I love it when it works right and it hates me all the time because it never works right. With that said I think I can tell you that it decided for the first time in almost a month to start the shutdown process with no errors, I don't know how, and I am not going to question it. After all I owe great thanks to Kev for helping me set up my blog with all the fancy links, and maybe I got carried away with all of them but it is fun knowing how to do something. Soooo now on to the not so fun subject because I know little about it--afflictions--I mean affections, little Freudian slip there.
Affections are incomprehensible to me. They are fickle. Just like me with my computer, right now I hate it, When I started typing this I loved it. But I pushed my luck and now it won't shutdown again. Of course this is only an object and the magnitude of affection I feel toward it cannot compare to anything between humans, but it is an affection none the less. But maybe the things we love less we can hate less as well?
Then there is the affection I felt towards my fish, Pablo, I could say I loved my fish and there would be no doubt. I did love him but now he's dead and it's probably my fault, so my affections for my fish, have turned to this bitter self loathing--I am a fish murderer. I wanted to give him the world and make him happy, but instead I gave him and all expense paid trip to the septic tank that sits in our front yard. I was going to give him a proper burial but he was slimy by the time I decided what I wanted to do with him, so I flushed him. Sad but true.
Then there was the strange foreign man at work the other day that came in for passport pictures. Strangely he felt some kind of affection towards me, I don't think I was being overly nice or flirty, I was just trying to be a friendly helpful salesperson, he asked me if I wanted to come sit on his lap for a picture. This scared me a bit, and I hope in a way that he goes on his trip and decides to stay in whatever far country he is going to. I don't hate him because I have no basis on which to hate him, I don't know him, he may be a nice guy, or maybe its part of his culture, but it made me feel uncomfortable.
Then there are my affections towards people, seems I can never get them to come out the way I want. Little crushes and the sort. Nothing mutual. It's frustrating really. I wonder if I repulse them like my foreign friend repulses me? It's funny when we see people in the rose colored surreality of a crush, they never do anything wrong, and then one day you wake up and realize the monster you have been wanting, I don't know what causes the change but I know when it happens. Suddenly you have a disgust with the monster and with yourself for allowing the affection to go on for so long. Then there are times when you see the monster for all it is, and you are repulsed by the hideousness of it, but yet behind it all you can see the person you came to love that drew your affections from the beginning. Maybe that's real love--I don't know?
Can our affections be so fickle, that we hate and love the same thing. Can we really feel affection towards a fish we only owned for 5 days? Does a foreign traveler feel affection towards a nice helpful person just because they are nice and helpful, if so isn't that a sad world we live? We can't even be nice to people with out them taking it the wrong way. I think of that dumb movie Notting Hill, I don't know if you have seen it but, Julia Roberts character falls in love with Hugh Grants character in the first 5 minutes of the show, just because he is friendly and helpful. Is our generation so starved for affection that it has come to this? Is affection really all that deep, we all crave affection but for what? What meaning is there to have affections towards a computer, or a dead fish or someone who doesn't give me the time of day? I don't think affection is bad, I believe it can grow into something deep and strong, I am only posing the question of why we hold onto affections that will never be deep and real. My best guess is because of safety, we are comfortable in our routine, we are used to being fed all the Hollywood lies, and deep down we don't really believe them or do we? Can things ever be just how they are, or do we have to complicate them by tying affections to them? What if they can't what if we can't how do we deal with our affections in a way that allows us not to get tied up in them?

Nyquil kicking in

Well I just took the last shot of cough syrup for the night. Before it's evil effects start taking over my weakened body I thought I would Blog. I wanted to talk about the cough syrup, how it makes you feel disconnected and just generally tired and numb, you can't process thoughts or ideas. I guess that disconnection is all too common in today's society, and it's not drug induced, but rather people induced.
Sometimes I feel like nobody knows me, and when I look further into the matter I see a complex system of friendships and relationships, and through different experiences these relationships have made me who I am, they have conditioned my responses to life's everyday scenarios.
Control is a big issue. Do I feel in control, am I in control? How do I control myself, my relationships, my friends, my family? Sometimes not revealing ourselves to others is the only way we have control over a seemingly uncontrollable existence. After all, to quote one of my favorite movies "Control is an illusion.."(Days of Thunder) that's the reality, but sometimes our world feels so out of control to regain our sense of self and who we are, we close off to every person that has ever cared about us.
There is also the pain of vulnerability. It's hard to trust people, they will let you down, I will let you down. We all make mistakes, we all do hurtful things. And its because of this that we don't want to let anyone in, every time we open up we get hurt. Nobody likes that feeling.
Then there is the unknown factor, how can we show anyone who we are if we have no clue who that is. Not only can we not show them because we don't know who we are, but we can't show them because we don't know how. That's a very scary place to be. Who am I, Who do I want to be?, what if I don't like me, what if you don't like me? These are questions we answer everyday in every relationship we encounter, whether its conscious or unconscious.
The best I can say is that I am trying and learning and figuring things out. It's a process of growth and change. None of us were ever meant to go it alone, we were designed for fellowship with each other and with our Creator. I can't take away the pain of the past, but the future is now, and we can choose to be different, and we can be different by God's grace. So I want to be the best friend that I can be, and sometimes that means a little more pain, a little more hurt, but its the opposing extremes that make it all worth it, the love the mercy,& the grace. Don't become like I am becoming with the cough syrup--numb and disconnected! For the man who can feel no pain can feel no joy.

To be or not to be...Silly

I believe my blog, is too serious for my own good. I'm never that serious in real life. I can see people reading this stuff and going whoa--she thinks too much. Tis true I think too much. Just for the record, I don't spend all my time thinking deeply. I need a break from that. Time to be just a kid--even though I am told I am too old to be a kid and I should grow up.
Honestly that's malarky, there are times for serious matters and time for fun, don't let people convince you that you should ever stop laughing or doing crazy things and putting a smile on your face and the face of someone close to you. Laughter is what gets us through the hard times, if you can laugh you know that it will all work out in the end. Sometimes the irony of the serious situation is laughable. (I LOVE IRONY!)
I think there needs to be a distinction between childishness and immaturity. They are so often associated and so often negative. Immaturity is the act of selfishness, having fun, being stupid in a way that is detrimental to others. You just don't think about how it might affect others. It's part of growing up and discovering who you are, but it needs to be something you grow beyond.
Childishness is often lumped in this same category, but I believe childishness is simply acting in the simplicity of a child. No worries, no fears. I mean really, think back to when you were a kid, before you had mortgages and car payments, before you had to worry about work, you could be fun and creative and it was okay. I think in our society sometimes we miss the simple things because we are too busy trying to be what we perceive an adult should be.
Responsibility is great and I think we should keep that in perspective, but who is to say that creating a memory that puts a smile on your face and reminds you to think of another human being in a positive light is a bad thing. Go be silly, do something crazy, be in awe of the creation that surrounds you like its the first time you have ever seen it, laugh, dance, go on silly picnics that never go according to plan, be flexible in that, pretend, dress-up, sing to the radio like you are a rock star, whatever, but don't forget your responsibility--I think there is a balance. I have a friend that has a similar take, check out Kev's blog .

Compartments

Life works so much better when everything has a place and there is a place for everything. Addresses neatly filed alphabetically, schedules of the day broken down in fifteen minute increments, even cutlery gets its own special compartment, you don't want the forks and spoons mixing--you could end up with a drawer full of sporks! Seems like there are folders for everything, folders in your email, folders on your C drive, folders in the filing cabinet, folders and subfolders of your vacation pictures, family pictures, pictures of friends, pictures of animals. We sort and divide everything, it gives us order and helps us to find things.
The problem is that life works so much better with compartments, but not everything in life can be compartmentalized. I can't file my memories into a good box and a bad box. I can't file my relationships into beneficial, and detrimental. Sure I can sort as much as possible, but there are always things that overlap, that are bigger than the category. Memories that are both good and bad, relationships that are so horrible or so great that they seem limited by their category. When you put somethings in compartments, it not only helps you manage it, but it makes it a more manageable size, and some things are not and should not be managed by us. Life can't all be fit into boxes, trying to fit them in all their seperate categories is like overcooking pasta, all that is left is an unrecognizeable goo, that looks nothing like the original. Sure it will fill you up, but is it really that appetizing?
People say there is beauty in order, but how ugly is an order that we don't understand, we want to fix it so we understand it. The same is true for life, I believe it has an order and design, but maybe we are incapable of understanding it, so we try to compartmentalize it, to bring it down to an understandable size. I don't know if i would rather understand everything or to live a life that can't fit into a compartment. The second option sounds pretty appealing.

Political Promises

As I pondered over the past year and the race to become the leader of the free world, I thought about the bright signs and the TV commercials, all the debates and public appearances what a Grand undertaking! Bigger and better, more and more, every corner, every channel, everywhere political paraphenalia!
The sheer amount of paper used in this election is unfathomable. I visited one of the local party offices, I got signs and bumper stickers, pamphlets and papers about every single candidate in that party and why I and every warm blooded american should vote for them, and why we shouldn't vote for the opposing party candidate. Everywhere I went, the library, church, the grocery store all had voter guides claiming to be impartial and unbiased, yet they all said different things. Not to mention all the articles in the magazines and newspapers, and in books, written about the candidates and their lives and their values. And I think to myself, wow, that's a lot of trees for candidates that claim they are going to do more for the environment. Some politicians promise a better and brighter America, whether or not they win, they at least kept one promise. I wonder how colorful the landfill must be after election day, bright blues and reds. Oh how pretty the landfills must be!
I turn on the TV now and I don't recognize any of the commercials, I guess i forgot what normal commercials looked like. So many political ones, i wonder how much it costs for 30 seconds of air time? It's not cheap. I wonder how many hours of political commercials the American public have had shoved down their throats like 3 day old road kill, the same smelly piece of meat run over again and again and again. I want a candidate that promises to never waste my money on stupid commercials.
Then there are the special appearances and rallies all over the country. Man I wish I could travel like that--see this great country of ours. Have my meals paid for and all my travel expenses, throw big parties celebrating my campaign, all the balloons and confetti. That must be a huge expense, I wonder how the starving aids afflicted families in Africa like their balloons and election posters, I bet they look nice on the walls of their grass huts. So you promise to help them, I'm sure all the money you spent on the big party was worth it.
Well another election over, and somehow with it all said and done, is our country really better off. We helped waste millions of dollars that could have helped all those causes we say we believe in. Instead we cut down thousands of trees, filled our landfills, and made a big party out of it. And what do we get for all our effort? A bunch of politicians that will probably not get to half the stuff they promised and a national deficit thats growing larger as the seconds go by. What a wasteful society! There has to be a point when people say enough is enough. A point where politicians stop being politicians and become leaders. Maybe next time, see you at the polls.

The Pessimist vs the Optimist

Some would argue that being a pessimist is the better of the two options, first of all because if you think about the worst happening, you are either right or pleasantly suprised. Secondly the pessimist would argue that they are always right and generally thats because everything is bad.
What I don't understand is, most pessimists I know claim to be right all the time, if you are a true pessimist and expecting the worst wouldn't you always believe you were going to be wrong, and if you were wrong about the worst, does that mean something good would happen?
Then you have the optimist. Some people claim that they are blind to reality, always expecting the best out of everyone and every situation. Some would argue that that the optimist is either wrong or not so pleasantly supised. But it seems that no matter how wrong the optimist, there is something within them that makes being wrong of no consequence.
So maybe the issue is not of being half empty or half full but whether or not being right matters to you. The pessimist is "always" right and the optimist doesnt seem to take into account that being right or wrong matters. Outside of our own pride does it matter if we are right?
Bad things are bound to happen, but so are good things. I dont know, I like being around happy people.