I think today was the breaking point

Today was hard. All this writing recently has help to sort the stuff out in my brain. Plus the unbelievable stress of dealing with insurance companies and trying single handedly to work full time, drive to another city to sign a piece of paper to get money for a car that's been totaled so I can return the rental car and buy a new car by Friday--that made me cry. The insurance agent handed me the check and all I could do was cry. I am not sure if it was relief or agony. If felt good and stupid at the same time. I was listening to Geof Kimbers book "A Worship Driven Church" I only have the intro and the first 2 chapters so I have been listening to it over and over to get all that I can out of it before I trade it in for disc 2. At some point in listening it hit me, and it all became clear. What became clear--I'm not sure. All the stress of late and the thoughts that seemed to play like gibberish on a skipping record, suddenly came into clarity. Psalms 118 says it best and was critical in the epiphany I had. In verse 8 it says "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." I had to reread it a couple of times, and the context of the passage is amazing.(hint hint READ IT) But I was thinking about the conclusion I had come to in the last post, it's a trust issue. This verse is what it all boils down to, and this whole struggle lately, I was putting my trust in temporal, earthly things and my heart was broken-and rightfully so. It says right there in verse 8 "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." All morning I was so stressed and freaking out about all these million hoops I had to jump through, and I knew God would provide, but it wasn't making the heart connection, until this afternoon, then it was like dropping a bowling ball on my foot, like I can't believe I just did this, ouch and shame all rolled into one. SO the tears were a mix of relief and frustration, anger, loss, and grief over how stupid and stubborn I am. So in the end it feels a lot better to be broken.

I don't know at what point of figuring "it" out I am currently inhabiting. Some days I have so much to say and the words just don't come. Today, after work I tried to have a long talk with God. Lately the same topics have been coming up. I am frustrated with the fact that for the last 3 months my prayers have been the same, and mostly selfish. If I could overcome this myself I probably would have. I am caught somewhere between pride and apathy. Self hatred and self entitlement.
Yesterday I went to the nursing home, I sat with a lady for quite a bit of time as she repeated the same conversation over and over. I am thankful that God gives me the gift of his grace and I hope, by just listening and praying for her I was able to share that grace. I really didn't know what to say, I spent much of the time expressing myself with my eyes, part of my time trying to focus on her and not the handsome man sitting next to me. Gods grace is found in him too, and that's what I find so attractive about him, Part of me wants to spend more time with him, part of me knows that he is only a reflection of Gods grace and not the actual thing--I question my motives, I question why my heart aches and what its aching for. I'm so tired of thinking about him. It's not just about him, but its about my future in general. There are things I want out of life, or maybe that's where the entitlement comes in, I feel like I deserve something, or maybe it is just God given desires. So once again I bring these matters before the throne of grace, once again I plead with the God of ages to change my heart to purify my desires, and to help me know and discern his word and its application to my life.
Before I left the nursing home I visited with another lady. That same grace that is so attractive to me, I found in her. Its as if no matter what happened around her or to her, she had a faith in her creator that was so evident. The words she spoke were like honey. I am thankful that God sovereignly crossed our paths. It was an answer of sorts. I have been praying that God would be enough, that of all the things that I want, all the things I need will appear so insignificant in comparison to the riches I have in Christ Jesus. I can relate to Paul when he says "Not that I have already obtained all this, but I press on toward the mark.." Most days lately I feel so far from wanting God to be enough. I don't mourn over my sin like I should. So I pray. I am weak, and I think I'm not. I am poor and I think I'm rich. I can only pray, God, I want to want you. I want you to be enough. I guess I want a feeling, but I am learning just how deceitful my own heart is, and how I cannot trust it when it comes to how I feel. Yes I feel lonely, but I am not alone. I want to feel God but I want to feel him in my way, and essentially I am saying God, you are not good enough, when all he wants to do is break my silly perceptions and free me from the limitations I have imposed. To know God, and trust him to do what's best for me, because he knows me better than I know myself, that's where the ultimate breakdown is. I don't know how to trust God because I project all the human failings on my relationship with Christ, carrying my doubt and insecurities into that relationship, being careful not to get too close. Keeping God at arms length, I'm afraid that I will get to close like I have in so many human relationships only to have it all fall apart. I think maybe,if I could just get a human relationship to work out, if just once I could be loved, maybe then God could love me. But that's so backwards. God is Love. It is only by his grace that he inclines the heart to truly love someone else. To love as God loves. I don't know if I understand all of it yet. I guess I am still somewhere in the figuring it all out stage.

I never knew dull could be so fascinating

I am beginning to wonder if dull is merely another word for the lost art of creativity. since TV has captured the attention of the masses. Im not much one for TV. Id rather live in reality than reality TV. I stumbled across this, and its intriguing. Maybe we could all use to be a little duller.
DULL MEN'S CLUB

The death of...

Well its been 5 days since the accident. My hands still hurt. I saw the doctor again today. Nothing is broken. Its amazing how much you rely on something for example thumbs. I knew something was wrong on Thursday night when I couldn't open my bottles of medication. I couldn't open anything with a twist top. Then I realized I couldn't really pick anything up either, or do simple things like squeezing the shampoo bottle in the shower, holding a toothbrush hurt, writing was excruciating.
I guess the stress of everything all hit on the weekend. I was exhausted I felt like all I did was sleep. I got the rental car on Saturday, and cleaned the stuff out of my car. I am glad I had a friend with me, its the only way I remained sane.
yesterday I met with the insurance agent. My family was worried that I would sign away my life. I didn't sign anything. I'm exhausted. The medications don't really help, they make me even more sleepy. I feel like I need a vacation.
today in the mail I got a bajillion letters from attorneys offering their legal services and 2 envelopes from chiropractors offering their services. Nice to know they care. I think lawyers are pretty high in ranks up their with insurance agents and used car salesman. They say insurance companies are only out for their best interests, how are they any different chasing ambulances hoping to cash in big off the insurance companies using me as a pawn in their game.
I was hoping the doctor would tell me something conclusive. Like something was broken or out of place. That there was a reason for this pain, a reason for not being able to do all the stuff that I can't do because it hurts. I wanted confirmation that something was wrong with me and it wasn't just all in my head. They assured me I'm normal-whatever that means, and that its normal for my hands to hurt, and that it will go away. But if it doesn't I should see someone else. That's always comforting.
Meanwhile I should be practicing using my left hand for everything because the right hurts too much. My writing with the left hand is legible just not very quick, its frustrating and slow, I need to practice more. I suppose I need to ask for help more too, but That's a slow lesson for me. It was hard to ask john to help me with the car on Saturday, but I needed his help. Its hard to ask people to do stuff when I have to figure it out on my own at home. Friday was a pretty lonely day, I was stressed and hurting and I just needed to feel it was ok. I needed someone to hold me or something. I cried myself to sleep with the help of muscle relaxants.
It was at that point the grace of God, I take for granted, was so evident. I didn't feel God any more real. I didn't feel like he was holding me in a supernatural sense, but I trusted him and his word. I didn't feel any less lonely, or any better emotionally. But I knew that God was there and he was working it all out for my good, and his glory. It was all going to be ok. While that didn't offer any emotional comfort, it was a test of my real faith, the faith beyond how I feel. God is faithful.
Tonight at dinner, a friend was praying, he prayed about God's grace and mercy, and I remembered how many times I forget about it, and how many times I forget to give thanks for it.
Everything about my life, about the accident screams the mercy and grace of God, but sometimes I'm so concerned with the circumstances I don't see beyond them. I don't see that God is working out his will in me, and making me into the person he wants me to be. Everyday is a struggle with my emotions, when I go home at night and my hands hurt so bad, I can't open my medication, and there is nobody to help me, and I feel so alone and helpless at that moment, when I'm weary and tired and just need a hug and nobody is there, its difficult. When at the end of the day the doctor says I'm ok, but I don't feel ok, and I have nobody assure me that I'm not insane. No witnesses to prove how this is affecting everything I do. I fight the flesh on these things daily-- between pity parties, overwhelming loneliness, frustration, anger, warped sense of entitlement, there is a quiet simple grace that shows its presence, and That's amazing.