I don't know at what point of figuring "it" out I am currently inhabiting. Some days I have so much to say and the words just don't come. Today, after work I tried to have a long talk with God. Lately the same topics have been coming up. I am frustrated with the fact that for the last 3 months my prayers have been the same, and mostly selfish. If I could overcome this myself I probably would have. I am caught somewhere between pride and apathy. Self hatred and self entitlement.
Yesterday I went to the nursing home, I sat with a lady for quite a bit of time as she repeated the same conversation over and over. I am thankful that God gives me the gift of his grace and I hope, by just listening and praying for her I was able to share that grace. I really didn't know what to say, I spent much of the time expressing myself with my eyes, part of my time trying to focus on her and not the handsome man sitting next to me. Gods grace is found in him too, and that's what I find so attractive about him, Part of me wants to spend more time with him, part of me knows that he is only a reflection of Gods grace and not the actual thing--I question my motives, I question why my heart aches and what its aching for. I'm so tired of thinking about him. It's not just about him, but its about my future in general. There are things I want out of life, or maybe that's where the entitlement comes in, I feel like I deserve something, or maybe it is just God given desires. So once again I bring these matters before the throne of grace, once again I plead with the God of ages to change my heart to purify my desires, and to help me know and discern his word and its application to my life.
Before I left the nursing home I visited with another lady. That same grace that is so attractive to me, I found in her. Its as if no matter what happened around her or to her, she had a faith in her creator that was so evident. The words she spoke were like honey. I am thankful that God sovereignly crossed our paths. It was an answer of sorts. I have been praying that God would be enough, that of all the things that I want, all the things I need will appear so insignificant in comparison to the riches I have in Christ Jesus. I can relate to Paul when he says "Not that I have already obtained all this, but I press on toward the mark.." Most days lately I feel so far from wanting God to be enough. I don't mourn over my sin like I should. So I pray. I am weak, and I think I'm not. I am poor and I think I'm rich. I can only pray, God, I want to want you. I want you to be enough. I guess I want a feeling, but I am learning just how deceitful my own heart is, and how I cannot trust it when it comes to how I feel. Yes I feel lonely, but I am not alone. I want to feel God but I want to feel him in my way, and essentially I am saying God, you are not good enough, when all he wants to do is break my silly perceptions and free me from the limitations I have imposed. To know God, and trust him to do what's best for me, because he knows me better than I know myself, that's where the ultimate breakdown is. I don't know how to trust God because I project all the human failings on my relationship with Christ, carrying my doubt and insecurities into that relationship, being careful not to get too close. Keeping God at arms length, I'm afraid that I will get to close like I have in so many human relationships only to have it all fall apart. I think maybe,if I could just get a human relationship to work out, if just once I could be loved, maybe then God could love me. But that's so backwards. God is Love. It is only by his grace that he inclines the heart to truly love someone else. To love as God loves. I don't know if I understand all of it yet. I guess I am still somewhere in the figuring it all out stage.