The death of...
Well its been 5 days since the accident. My hands still hurt. I saw the doctor again today. Nothing is broken. Its amazing how much you rely on something for example thumbs. I knew something was wrong on Thursday night when I couldn't open my bottles of medication. I couldn't open anything with a twist top. Then I realized I couldn't really pick anything up either, or do simple things like squeezing the shampoo bottle in the shower, holding a toothbrush hurt, writing was excruciating.
I guess the stress of everything all hit on the weekend. I was exhausted I felt like all I did was sleep. I got the rental car on Saturday, and cleaned the stuff out of my car. I am glad I had a friend with me, its the only way I remained sane.
yesterday I met with the insurance agent. My family was worried that I would sign away my life. I didn't sign anything. I'm exhausted. The medications don't really help, they make me even more sleepy. I feel like I need a vacation.
today in the mail I got a bajillion letters from attorneys offering their legal services and 2 envelopes from chiropractors offering their services. Nice to know they care. I think lawyers are pretty high in ranks up their with insurance agents and used car salesman. They say insurance companies are only out for their best interests, how are they any different chasing ambulances hoping to cash in big off the insurance companies using me as a pawn in their game.
I was hoping the doctor would tell me something conclusive. Like something was broken or out of place. That there was a reason for this pain, a reason for not being able to do all the stuff that I can't do because it hurts. I wanted confirmation that something was wrong with me and it wasn't just all in my head. They assured me I'm normal-whatever that means, and that its normal for my hands to hurt, and that it will go away. But if it doesn't I should see someone else. That's always comforting.
Meanwhile I should be practicing using my left hand for everything because the right hurts too much. My writing with the left hand is legible just not very quick, its frustrating and slow, I need to practice more. I suppose I need to ask for help more too, but That's a slow lesson for me. It was hard to ask john to help me with the car on Saturday, but I needed his help. Its hard to ask people to do stuff when I have to figure it out on my own at home. Friday was a pretty lonely day, I was stressed and hurting and I just needed to feel it was ok. I needed someone to hold me or something. I cried myself to sleep with the help of muscle relaxants.
It was at that point the grace of God, I take for granted, was so evident. I didn't feel God any more real. I didn't feel like he was holding me in a supernatural sense, but I trusted him and his word. I didn't feel any less lonely, or any better emotionally. But I knew that God was there and he was working it all out for my good, and his glory. It was all going to be ok. While that didn't offer any emotional comfort, it was a test of my real faith, the faith beyond how I feel. God is faithful.
Tonight at dinner, a friend was praying, he prayed about God's grace and mercy, and I remembered how many times I forget about it, and how many times I forget to give thanks for it.
Everything about my life, about the accident screams the mercy and grace of God, but sometimes I'm so concerned with the circumstances I don't see beyond them. I don't see that God is working out his will in me, and making me into the person he wants me to be. Everyday is a struggle with my emotions, when I go home at night and my hands hurt so bad, I can't open my medication, and there is nobody to help me, and I feel so alone and helpless at that moment, when I'm weary and tired and just need a hug and nobody is there, its difficult. When at the end of the day the doctor says I'm ok, but I don't feel ok, and I have nobody assure me that I'm not insane. No witnesses to prove how this is affecting everything I do. I fight the flesh on these things daily-- between pity parties, overwhelming loneliness, frustration, anger, warped sense of entitlement, there is a quiet simple grace that shows its presence, and That's amazing.
I guess the stress of everything all hit on the weekend. I was exhausted I felt like all I did was sleep. I got the rental car on Saturday, and cleaned the stuff out of my car. I am glad I had a friend with me, its the only way I remained sane.
yesterday I met with the insurance agent. My family was worried that I would sign away my life. I didn't sign anything. I'm exhausted. The medications don't really help, they make me even more sleepy. I feel like I need a vacation.
today in the mail I got a bajillion letters from attorneys offering their legal services and 2 envelopes from chiropractors offering their services. Nice to know they care. I think lawyers are pretty high in ranks up their with insurance agents and used car salesman. They say insurance companies are only out for their best interests, how are they any different chasing ambulances hoping to cash in big off the insurance companies using me as a pawn in their game.
I was hoping the doctor would tell me something conclusive. Like something was broken or out of place. That there was a reason for this pain, a reason for not being able to do all the stuff that I can't do because it hurts. I wanted confirmation that something was wrong with me and it wasn't just all in my head. They assured me I'm normal-whatever that means, and that its normal for my hands to hurt, and that it will go away. But if it doesn't I should see someone else. That's always comforting.
Meanwhile I should be practicing using my left hand for everything because the right hurts too much. My writing with the left hand is legible just not very quick, its frustrating and slow, I need to practice more. I suppose I need to ask for help more too, but That's a slow lesson for me. It was hard to ask john to help me with the car on Saturday, but I needed his help. Its hard to ask people to do stuff when I have to figure it out on my own at home. Friday was a pretty lonely day, I was stressed and hurting and I just needed to feel it was ok. I needed someone to hold me or something. I cried myself to sleep with the help of muscle relaxants.
It was at that point the grace of God, I take for granted, was so evident. I didn't feel God any more real. I didn't feel like he was holding me in a supernatural sense, but I trusted him and his word. I didn't feel any less lonely, or any better emotionally. But I knew that God was there and he was working it all out for my good, and his glory. It was all going to be ok. While that didn't offer any emotional comfort, it was a test of my real faith, the faith beyond how I feel. God is faithful.
Tonight at dinner, a friend was praying, he prayed about God's grace and mercy, and I remembered how many times I forget about it, and how many times I forget to give thanks for it.
Everything about my life, about the accident screams the mercy and grace of God, but sometimes I'm so concerned with the circumstances I don't see beyond them. I don't see that God is working out his will in me, and making me into the person he wants me to be. Everyday is a struggle with my emotions, when I go home at night and my hands hurt so bad, I can't open my medication, and there is nobody to help me, and I feel so alone and helpless at that moment, when I'm weary and tired and just need a hug and nobody is there, its difficult. When at the end of the day the doctor says I'm ok, but I don't feel ok, and I have nobody assure me that I'm not insane. No witnesses to prove how this is affecting everything I do. I fight the flesh on these things daily-- between pity parties, overwhelming loneliness, frustration, anger, warped sense of entitlement, there is a quiet simple grace that shows its presence, and That's amazing.
posted by becka at 9:22 PM
1 Comments:
Hi Becka.. wow you have a lot of powerful words there! and i think that it's amazing that you can voice it, i think everyone has been there but mostly we just don't want to talk about it.. you are so real.. and your words are very inspiring to me, for you to have those struggles and still feel God's grace and mercy in a real way (not superfical).. thanks for sharing a part of yourself and any friend of yours would willingly want to do anything they could to help you! take care :) consider this a hug from me to you :)
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