whats my motivation

There have been a lot of changes of late, seems like the story of my life these days. I have to report though that things are going very well. The job is going well I finish up the first major part of my training on Monday. I am moved in to my new place, although I did try to burn it down by leaving some potatoes in the oven and then going over to a friend’s house, by the time I remembered them the sirens were already on their way. I came to 5 fire trucks and a busted in door. I guess that will help my memory in case I ever want to forget about something I am cooking. It’s nice to have weekends off. This weekend I had the opportunity to take some long awaited pictures and to go visit with some people, I managed to do my share of yard work as well, and I guess it all evens out since I eat at their house half the time anyway. I sold out to the man and actually got a cell phone. But I have made a conscious effort to not talk on it when I am in the company of real people. I don't accept calls during supper or when I am busy doing something else, it's a phone not a digital leash (thanks to John for the digital leash comment).
I have been thinking about motivation and why we do what we do. What are my motives for doing anything? Of course the Christian cop-out answer is to say “to glorify God.” Ultimately that is my goal but what does that mean? I am playing out a variety of scenarios in my head and I can’t decide if my motive is one way or another. Is it good to try and please someone else? Some would say no, you should only live to please Christ, but in practical terms how does that all play out. Say for example I want to do something nice for someone. So here is the thought that runs through my head:
Ok so I am going to write a card and buy flowers to encourage--lets call them person A--am I doing this to encourage them because I truly care about them, or am I doing this because it makes me feel good when I do nice things for other people, or am I looking for validation from another person that I am a good person. So what if my motive is a little of all 3 or what if its just one, does that mean I should not do a nice thing for someone? Meanwhile I have just missed my exit off the interstate because I was deep in this self discussion, and now I am lost and my head hurts. I would like to say that my motive is always for the good of other people, but honestly its not, so does that mean I should just stop doing nice things to people until I can get my motives straight? Meanwhile my brain is in grid lock because it’s overwhelmed when I think of everything I do in this kind of context. So I end up doing whatever the default is because I just can’t handle the information overload, and then I think ok, default that’s another option another motive, is that motive called laziness. And if God is sovereign, and I believe he is, doesn't he use my good motives and my bad motives to accomplish his purpose. And I'm not meaning a license to sin, remember these are good noble things that I want to do and I want my motives to be right. I can't say to God well I will just do whatever I want and then you can use that, that's the wrong line of thinking. God commands us to do certain things and not to do other things and those are important. I just keep seeing this ugly heart, and I am being so brutally honest with myself and it makes me mad, that I think this way. And remember motives are something nobody else can see, this is all within my head and my heart and I am mad not because I am going to get caught, or because someone might think less of me, I'm mad because I know what's right and I can't seem to stick to that line of thinking. So here I am confronted with nothing but my own thoughts and I realize that in spite of it all God still loves me and that's powerful information. This week on the way to work I have been listening to the CD of our Easter cantata for this year. There is a monologue testimony on there that I listen to everyday and when it gets to one part I rewind it and listen to it several times. It says "Everyday God reaches down and resurrects me from the grip of death... and everyday he exerts that same power he used to resurrect Christ from the grip of death." I have to listen to it a few times, because sometimes it just doesn't seem that it can be real. That's the power he is using for my sanctification. Every time I really and truly focus on this fact, I am left in speechless awe at my amazing God.